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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

270 replies

Ecclesland · 24/07/2019 14:36

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

OP posts:
WTFdidwedo · 24/07/2019 20:08

This argument is always ridiculous. It's 100% subjective. Some people have dream children and piss easy jobs. Some people have shit children and difficult jobs (lucky me). I have a 17 month age gap with mine and my second child screamed from birth so much I had to go to CBT to deal with her because I was about to crash my car into oncoming traffic to make it stop. I also work as a hospitality manager (now part time thankfully) and get to literally clean up people's shit and deal with threats to me and my team if food doesn't arrive ten minutes after it was ordered.

Of course I preferred work in my circumstances but if I'd had one of those mythical babies I see sleeping in prams in coffee shops then I probably would have felt differently.

It is perfectly reasonable for you husband to do at least one out of SEVEN morning feeds. Whether it be, god forbid, half an hour before he leaves for his strenuous office job, or on the weekend so he misses out on a lie in and gives you a break, then so be it.

PerfectPeony2 · 24/07/2019 20:17

Agreed but it doesn't seem that OPs baby has colic?

Nope but I was just responding to that statement that being at home is easier.. just NO. 6.30am is not an early start, it’s ridiculous for him to not pull his weight in the morning.

LuaDipa · 24/07/2019 20:20

Fucking hell, the responses on this thread. So much for equality! Poor, precious, hardworking daddy needs his rest after being out at his difficult job all day. I am so glad my dear departed dad provided a better example than this. No one worked harder than him, but he cooked, cleaned and took care of us in just the same way as dm whenever he was home.

YANBU op, he should be helping out more. Or as a non-entitled dad would call it, parenting. Make him pull his weight.

Oct18mummy · 24/07/2019 20:29

I was in the same situation during week however have started waking husband up 30 mins before his usual time telling him it’s my only opportunity to take a shower, after a few days he’s got the hang of it 🤣

Dungeondragon15 · 24/07/2019 20:35

Being at home is way easier than working. Never understand those that make out it’s much harder than having a job.

That's such a ridiculous statement. Not all jobs are the same and not all babies are the same.

00100001 · 24/07/2019 20:37

"Fucking hell, the responses on this thread. So much for equality! Poor, precious, hardworking daddy needs his rest after being out at his difficult job all day"

Actually, I think the majority of people think he's a lazy twat for not doing his part in the evening. And the majority of people think that if he was pulling his weight in the evenings, then the morning's could/should fall to mum on work days. With the understanding that he perhaps dies weekend mornings and the odd weekday.

The OPs issue isn't actually the morning wake up, it's the fact that he DH is a lazy git....

00100001 · 24/07/2019 20:37

Does*

user1480880826 · 24/07/2019 20:37

In a nutshell you are doing far more than your husband.

Wrote down everything that you do and the hours that you work and show him.

He sounds like a prick. Why did you have another baby with him? Presumably he was like this the first time around too?

Russell19 · 24/07/2019 20:41

OP I need to know how you walk dogs with 2 young children!! I'm struggling x

merrymouse · 24/07/2019 20:42

Above all he should do it because this is what parents do. They parent.

Exactly. Many women work long hours and travel for work, but I think most people assume that they still parent their children when they are at home, even if they also have a live in nanny.

Yet for some reason some men still seem to be able to adopt a slippers and pipe and pat them on the head parenting style.

Mummyshark2018 · 24/07/2019 20:42

In my view maternity leave is for looking after a baby instead of being in work (during work hours) . When your dh is not at work it should be 50:50 and teamwork. Like noticing if partner is tired/ stressed etc and then maybe taking on an extra child related stuff to help each other out. Do you plan to go back to work?
Can you agree that he gets up twice during the week, you the rest and then split weekends?

Youseethethingis · 24/07/2019 20:58

My DH will be doing the early morning feed when he goes back to work next week after paternity leave to allow me to have a few hours stretch of sleep after the night shift. He will be doing this for the following reasons -

  1. He doesn’t want the person in sole charge of caring for his tiny infant son while he’s at work to be a sleep deprived mess
  2. He loves me and likes to be nice to me
  3. He loves DS and spending time with him
  4. He not a lazy selfish prick
Make of that what you will.
NKFell · 24/07/2019 22:45

He’s a big baby himself! He needs to grow up and remember it’s not the 1950s.

Comtesse · 24/07/2019 22:58

I don’t get the YABU responses here. Why on earth would this man lose his job for getting up at 6.30 some mornings? Poor diddums. It’s hardly like staying up all night and working the next day. Why can’t he help at least some mornings? I’d say YANBU.

Milo2 · 24/07/2019 23:01

My dh doesn’t do any morning feeds at all. He works 8-6 most days. In the morning he makes us all a fruit drink and unloads the dishwasher. When he gets in from work he looks after our baby while I cook dinner. He feeds her, plays with her and puts her to bed. He also looks after her if she wakes up before 1/2 AM while I sleep with earplugs in!! I honestly can’t fault him. He’s a hands on dad. Although I get the odd day where I wish he would do the morning feed, as a rule I think I’ve got it so good I could never complain!

Milo2 · 24/07/2019 23:04

He also clears up all the mess from dinner etc after he’s put our baby to bed and I watch tv in bed for an hour before I sleep! I feel like I get that time and he has that time too but with a bit extra in the morning.

GPatz · 24/07/2019 23:04

My job involves ridiculous time scales, is stressful, long hours, evening to late night meeting and I deal with angry people daily. And I would still rather be at work then on mat leave with my 3 month old and toddler.

I do love them really.

gonewiththepotter · 24/07/2019 23:10

🤔 it’s not like you’re asking him to do 50% of the childcare OP. It’s one feed so ofc YANBU - he’s lazy!

Personally I would wait until baby wakes him up tomorrow morning (don’t get up yourself) and when he complains say ‘sorry- I don’t actually start until X (whatever time he starts work)!)

Then when he walks through the door on an evening (assuming it’s usually 5:30-7pm you have together with baby) I’d hand him baby and nip out/ take a bath with door locked for at least 30-45 mins!

Then take baby back until you put him to bed. WHEN DH pulls you up on it explain that maternity leave is replacing your old FT job, so you obviously start at 8/9 and finish at 4/5....right? Just like you would in your normal job. Anything outside of that isn’t really maternity leave.... it’s co parenting.

When you return to work and put DC in nursery he won’t expext the nursery worker to also come to your house to provide evening care, cook his dinner, do household chores and night feeds right?

Ofc not. Because caring for a baby is a 9-5 job (when the baby is not your own)

... you are not his live in house keeper and nanny

FossiPajuZeka · 24/07/2019 23:17

Parenting is a 24-7 job. His cushy 8-5 job 5 days a week is nothing in comparison.

For those 9 hours a day M-F he doesn't need to worry about childcare or housekeeping.

The other 123 hours a week, the work should be split between you 50:50.

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 23:27

Parenting is a 24-7 job. His cushy 8-5 job 5 days a week is nothing in comparison

It really isn’t the same. It is these sorts of posts that lead SAHMs to write a load of shite on their cvs about negotiation, cooking skills and home management rather than just acknowledging that they have been on a break to look after their children (which is valuable as an end in itself).

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 24/07/2019 23:45

YANBU This is NOT what maternity leave is for. I would have snapped back, "No this is what being a father is for!" Will he be helping once you go back to work?

Yeahnahmum · 24/07/2019 23:50

I agree with both
Maybe your dh can do it 2 days during the week and 1 day a weekend
Just because you have leave doesnt mean he doesnt have to do shit just because he is "working"

mathanxiety · 25/07/2019 05:19

8888888 you speak as if no bollocks about 'skills' has ever been used to make the CV of someone who occupies a swivel chair 9 hours a day look as if some actual work was done...

This man isn't all that senior. He clocks in and does god knows what, then clocks out at 5. He gets to go to the loo whenever he feels like it, he can finish a thought. He can shoot the breeze at the water cooler.

His entire life is taken care of by wifey at home. She even makes his lunch.

Then he goes home and insults her role based on the fact that he is the one with the paycheque.

SinkGirl · 25/07/2019 05:51

It really isn’t the same. It is these sorts of posts that lead SAHMs to write a load of shite on their cvs about negotiation, cooking skills and home management rather than just acknowledging that they have been on a break to look after their children (which is valuable as an end in itself).

That would be the fault of a system and society that places no importance on parenting, caring and other unpaid roles. It is not the fault of posts pointing out that a 40 hour a week general office job is a piece of piss compared to being fully responsible for one or more defenceless human 24/7 whilst also taking care of a partner who does bugger all.

Before I became self-employed I had a very high stress job, extremely long hours, rigid deadlines, responsible for aspects of a massive international event where if I screwed up my job, epic amounts of shit would rain down on me personally. I had periods of the year where I had to work 18-20 hours a day every day for 3 weeks straight in another country.

I still find taking care of our twins much more difficult, especially given that they both have disabilities and have always slept badly.

Unless your partner is a surgeon, an air traffic controller or a HGV driver even, or something similar where lack of sleep could kill people, a working person doesn’t need more sleep than someone responsible for keeping a baby alive. Certainly they can share responsibilities at weekends and should be helping around the house after work.

AguerosAngel · 25/07/2019 06:13

When I was heavily pregnant with DS MIL
turned up at our house with s chair bed that she’d bought as “DH cannot possibly be getting up in the night as he has an extremely important busy job and cannot be tired or stressed out with TRIVIAL (fucking trivial!) baby stuff!” Hmm

She was told to get to fuck and that he would be getting up and doing his share, he got 3 months paternity leave so no excuse not to do his bit!