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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

270 replies

Ecclesland · 24/07/2019 14:36

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

OP posts:

MsAwesomeDragon · 24/07/2019 18:20

By the time DD was 8 months old I'd been back at work for 2 months. I still did ALL the night wakings (because I was bf, and DD reverse cycled as she was a bottle refuser) and worked ft. I managed, didn't lose my job, coped quite well actually. Yet it's unreasonable to expect the op's DH to get up half an hour earlier to do one feed?

Yes, she's at home, but that doesn't excuse her DH refusing to do one feed a day.

MumGoneCrazy · 24/07/2019 18:21

Being on maternity leave is basically just being a Sahp for a year, so yeah while DH is working it is your job to take care of DC and house, including mornings as that's his time to get ready and prepare himself for work.
However he should be pulling his weight on weekends and after work.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2019 18:23

...many people are parents and employed and do both.

So this man needs to be employed and also be a parent.

merrymouse · 24/07/2019 18:23

Does he do any feeds?

You can argue all day about who is doing more work, and whether he should be doing the 7am or 7pm feed, but isn't the point more that he should be spending time with his new baby? If the roles were switched, I think most mothers would do more than just pacify their child.

herculepoirot2 · 24/07/2019 18:23

that's his time to get ready and prepare himself for work.

If the baby gets up at 6.30 and he gets up at 7, it’s not the case, is it?

Ragwort · 24/07/2019 18:28

What was he like with your first child? And did you learn any lessons from that before having another?

BarbariansMum · 24/07/2019 18:30

YANBU

I'm sure he could manage getting up at 6.30pm and a full day's work. A 6.30am start is pretty typical for many families.

C0c01823 · 24/07/2019 18:32

No you’re not! Work is a welcomed break, have a brew , toilet breaks on your own and even a break to yourself. Maternity leave is lovely but hard nonetheless

ChristmasFluff · 24/07/2019 18:33

Well if I were him, I'd be really happy to get up an hour or so earlier, to have a chance to feed the baby.

It's not like he's being asked to do the night feeds or anything that will really disrupt his sleep.

OP, this is a snapshot of the whole of the rest of your future. It ended my marriage, because I realised I was a single parent, but still married. I changed that situation.

Ated · 24/07/2019 18:33

Maternity leave is about the children and you. Let him cook his own meals, iron his own clothes and do his own washing. You have more important things to do.

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 18:43

mathanxiety

...many people are parents and employed and do both.

So this man needs to be employed and also be a parent.

I never said otherwise. He should be doing more in the evenings and equal at the weekend but I can see why he would question getting up to do the first feed when he’s got work for the rest of the day.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2019 18:48

8888888 He should be up for the first feed so that the OP can see to their older child and can hop into the shower. He could also make his own lunch while he's at it.

Above all he should do it because this is what parents do. They parent. And because this is what spouses do - they give time and effort to each other.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/07/2019 18:51

I agree with him too. You are not currently in work and he is. If you both were you should share.

Being at home is way easier than working. Never understand those that make out it’s much harder than having a job.

HenSolo · 24/07/2019 18:59

Being at home is way easier than working. Never understand those that make out it’s much harder than having a job.

Have you tried to understand? Or just think it’s not your experience so that’s that.

It’s besides the point which is ‘harder’ anyway. If your partner who you supposedly love is struggling and wants a bit of a hand, you should oblige them if it’s possible and you care

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/07/2019 19:10

Wow, so he does a bog standard 9-5 job and donates sperm occasionally, poor wee lamb he must be jiggered.

LannieDuck · 24/07/2019 19:18

What was he like with childcare/housework when you went back to work after your first child?

i.e. Is he always this lazy, or is it just while you're on mat leave?

Whatsername7 · 24/07/2019 19:27

My dh did night feeds (after she weaned from bf at 7 months) and early mornings so I could have a little more sleep. When we switched parental leave I did the same fot him. There were nights when he knew Id been up every hour so he sacrificed a small amount of sleep so I could catch up a tiny bit to get through the day.

73Sunglasslover · 24/07/2019 19:28

Your OH had better find a way to prepare mentally for work whilst getting a toddler ready or he's going to have one hell of a shock when you go back to work and he needs to do 50% of getting the child ready in the mornings.

I am floored that anyone would think the fact that he works 40 or even 50 or even 60+ hours a week means he gets to assume you do everything with the child. If he can't get up 30 mins earlier to help out for 1/2 an hour occasionally then there is something really wrong with him and I think he should visit a GP ASAP.

The idea that you're on mat leave so you do everything is absurd. I guess you could say that you should do 'as much work' as him in various guises. You being on mat leave is not an excuse for him to devolve all responsibility and there is no logic in any other position - there is quite a lot of mum-shaming and extremely old-fashioned values though.

ButtercupGirI · 24/07/2019 19:32

I must be a mug, I did it all when I was on mat leave, so decided to become sahm after the 2nd thinking that life will be easier but NO, it was exhausting looking after 2 kids 24/7 on top of all chores, shopping, cooking, entertaining kids etc. Husband's life was easier but not mine! He gets to go to gym, pubs until kids gone to bed. After the 3rd, things got so ridiculous, it has caused a lot of damage on our relationship because I didn't stand up for myself for years! Please make sure he is aware he has the equal amount of responsibility when you are back to work, a lot of man assume everything at home is a woman's job despite you work FT as well.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 24/07/2019 19:36

To the pp who pp who responded to my earlier post ‘why not just put them in a sling and get on with jobs’... I did. But my kid somehow knew the difference between me clattering around the house unloading the dishwasher and a walk in the fresh air. My dd spent half of her early days in the sling, but screamed so much and walking was the one thing that calmed her.

Thing is, obvs all babies and families are different. My dd screamed for the first 4 months and I cried and tried to keep my head above water. She didn’t sleep well till 18m. My dh stepped in though and was bloody amazing, he took her in the mornings (I bf all night) and and gave me an hour in bed. He took her when he came home from work, though I still did the lions share.

This whole debate is about men/partners being true partners I guess. It makes me depressed that there are so many men out there with a 1950s attitude toward childcare and housework, and so many women who seem to perpetuate this too.

Money needs to be earnt, houses kept and children cared for. I’d hope there’s an equalish split with both sides of the couple.

PixieLumos · 24/07/2019 19:39

My 1 year old still has his milk in a bottle in the morning around the same time you say OP. DH gets the milk ready and brings it up to me while I’m still in bed, and if DS wakes up before he leaves for work he gets DS and pops him on the bed with me - so although I’m technically ‘doing the feed’ (DS holds the bottle himself, so I’m not really doing anything ) I haven’t actually left the bed! Oh and he also makes me a cup of tea. Maybe this could work for you?

plasterboots · 24/07/2019 19:40

Looking after children is so much more draining than being in the office!

I've done both, it's not!

PerfectPeony2 · 24/07/2019 19:43

He’s a pig.

Honestly please don’t put us with this, I don’t understand why so many women do.

It’s not even like it’s an early start. He sounds lazy and pathetic. I would start to find him very unattractive after all of this. He need to step up and be a parent.

DH has regularly got up at 4am with DD and stayed up for work so I can rest. She’s 1 now and it’s always been very 50/50. I couldn’t cope with anything less.

PerfectPeony2 · 24/07/2019 19:46

Being at home is way easier than working. Never understand those that make out it’s much harder than having a job.

Ha. I guess your baby didn’t have colic then. Or was just generally quite easy and relaxed.

plasterboots · 24/07/2019 20:08

Ha. I guess your baby didn’t have colic then. Or was just generally quite easy and relaxed

Agreed but it doesn't seem that OPs baby has colic?

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