‘That’s what maternity leave is for’

[Ecclesland]

AIBU to be annoyed at this situation
8month old DS
I’m still on maternity untill September 2nd.
Currently DP works 8-5, very locally. He gets up at 7.
Baby wakes usually about 6.30-7, I asked if he could start doing this feed some mornings- his response was well that’s what maternity leave is for he wants his sleep for work.
AIBU?
For context- he will help when he’s home but generally just by pacifying baby not actually doing any jobs, but I always cook dinner every night do the washing up make sure the dogs walked take older DS to nursery when he’s in and collect,
So am I unreasonable to expect help? What are your routines ?

YABU. He will presumably have to get up even earlier and then do a full day’s work to facilitate your lie in.

At weekends you should share the load, but on weekdays you need to pull your weight IMO.

I completely disagree. It is a diservice to pretend being at home is the same as having a job when many people are parents and employed and do both.

I know few people who take their children to work. So, no, not many people do both at the same time. I have worked full time, part time and been on mat leave and both are jobs. Just like I had good days at home with the babies, sometimes I had amazing days at work where I was being paid to go to amazing events with clients. Looking after your own children may not be paid employment, but it's many mundane jobs after jobs after jobs.

It is work but if you're disputing it's work, then OP's husband should have no problem not doing work looking after his baby before and after his job then.

I had a point when the baby was moaning so I put her in the sling and settled her while cracking on with stuff. Yes crying is stressful but it’s the price of a year off work.
Different strokes for different folks. I find work piss easy; maternity leave doesn't feel like a year off, it feels like an endurance test.

A lot of people wake up at 6am or 6:30am before a day of work; kids or no kids. It's hardly a hardship?!

Yanbu.

Agree with PP that once these roles have been in place for a year - or 9 mths say - then the household stuff by default continues to be mainly done by the woman even when she returns to work.

The end of maternity leave is the ideal time to establish a fairer division of household responsibilities in time for returning to work.

@NKFell no problem
Big bollocks!!

To those who don’t think looking after children all day is hard work, would you say it isn’t hard work being a nanny or childminder then?

These threads always manage to bring out the women who say that mat leave was a year long parade of swanky lunches and naps and no pressure, and so much easier than going to work...

Ha. Definitely not for me. I work very part time and it’s like going for a spa treatment when I have to go to a meeting.

Your DH is a lazy sack. He doesn’t get to work 40 hours a week while you work 24/7. He needs to sort his shit out.

Bloody hell its half an hour, and mornings are for getting ready and mentally preparing for the day at work ? So who looks after the dc in the morning when both parents work?

I thought my exp was a dick bit not getting up half an hour early occasionally to feed their own child

I’d stop making his lunch for a start. He can do that before he sits on his arse for the evening

I completely disagree. It is a diservice to pretend being at home is the same as having a job when many people are parents and employed and do both.

It’s not the same though is it? A working parent doesn’t do the same as a SAHP because someone else is looking after the child for 40 hours a week or whatever they work.

You're making DH's lunch?????

Stop referring to him as helping you.
Are you helping when you do all the things you do? No, you are facing your responsibilities.
Maternity leave is for caring for the baby, he needs to manage the domestic side from when he gets home.
Housework isn't your job, you are 24/7 mother on mat leave.

@DontTalkBloodyDaft maternity leave doesn't mean you are " working " ( looking after baby 24/7) though does it . As in OPs job won't be 24/7 job so why should she have to do 24/7 with baby

I agree with your DH. That is what maternity leave is for (yes I have had a baby).

@HenSolo Massive! It's such an emotive subject but I promise I'll read properly before jumping in! Oh and childminders and nannies get proper time off! I wonder if the same people who are happy with their DH doing a 9-5 while they work 24/7 are the same ones whose DH's 'babysit'!

SinkGirl

Have you been watching Brittas? Show me a parent who does both
What a stupid comment. I suppose a childcare worker could be doing it if their child was in the same setting as them.
I never understand this working parents to it all, they outsource quite a lot from about a year.

Sorry SinkGirl wrong person, but my comment stands.

I can't believe some of the replies on here ! Just because you are on maternity leave does not mean you are a slave to the home 24/7 what on Earth ?! Baby is to be looked after by mum during working hours soon as dad home that's it shared jobs !!

I bet housework and meal preparation is also included in this 'maternity' leave.

YANBU. Resentful dick is not a good look.

The two of you need to get up to speed for when you go back to work.

Don't have another baby with this man until you set the ground rules for mat leave first.

It is a diservice to pretend being at home is the same as having a job when many people are parents and employed and do both.
Yes of course you don't stop being a parent when you're at work, but the actual hands on labour of taking care of the children during the working week is done by someone else, and if you farm that out to a nanny, or a nursery or a CM then you pay them for the work involved and for their time just as you would pay anyone else for any other labour you delegate - secretary, cleaner, receptionist, accountant, painter, gardener, etc.

And yes, you work at it on weekends, but if you want to go out to dinner or to see a movie, etc., and you hire a babysitter then you also pay that person, because there is work involved and you're not the one doing it.

He should be happy to feed at weekends in the morning and in the evening, but I agree with him about the morning feeds when he is working that day.

He should do equal amounts at those times, if not more. You need to square this away before you go back to work as he will assume you're still going to be doing everything.

I think I just feel abit deflated that he gets in from work at 5.15 gets fed his tea and doesn’t move off sofa till bed time.
Meanwhile I make sure tea is ready everyday, I make his lunch everyday, I do all washing cleaning ironing household jobs, I cut the grass and maintain the garden, I walk the dog everyday- somedays if I haven’t had chance during the day I have to wait till baby is in bed and take him then which is my biggest annoyance- I know DP will want to ‘ chill ‘
DS4 wakes up about 7.30, so I’m always up before him, make his breakfast etc and I take him nursery when he’s in

Holy crap - this is your second child.

There is absolutely no excuse for your H not to be up taking care of DS4 so you have a chance to get ready for your day. No way should he be lying in while you are dealing with the older child.

Your H is taking the piss massively.

He needs to do the garden and he needs to walk the dog every evening, and a grown man can make his own lunch, give a bath and put the older child to bed, and clean up the kitchen in the evening too.

He sits on the couch watching you work all evening, watching you take the dog out for the evening walk, knowing you were up before him in the morning. Outrageous.

And poor diddums gets home at 5.15
There are men who get home at 8 who then roll up their sleeves and muck in. Your H is a lazy, entitled sod.

I feel that during the week, YABU about your husband getting up before work for this. The weekends are different, it should be joint. Plus obviously housework and cooking are a joint task every day of the week!

YANBU