To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

[HuniThos]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

OP yanbu at all, that you didn’t feel like cooking on the day is absolutely fine...but I’m not about to launch into a vitriolic character assassination of your fil here - you offered to cook a roast dinner for him off your own back, so that’s what he was expecting. He didn’t actually do anything wrong so I don’t know why everyone is tearing him to shreds.

The villain of the piece is your stupid partner who didn’t just cook for them himself, especially seeing it was clear you were otherwise occupied. That he ‘can’t cook’ is a red herring because anyone can cook a roast...it’s that he’d see them go without and blame you rather than make the effort himself. I’m not going to bitch about ‘grown adults playing games’ because I think it’s as valid a pastime as any...it doesn’t matter what he was doing. His sister could have sat in the kitchen with him while he got on.

Nothing to add to what's already been said really YADNBU

A roast is easy, why didn't your dp make it? Bung meat & peeled potatoes in oven, prep veg (15 minutes work at most) then cook veg and serve. Yes there's fancier ways but 3 weeks postpartum he should have stepped up and cooked or taken over baby duties.

FIL was rude and out of order.

Whatever you said you'd cook, he had no right to expect it and it was bloody arsey to mention it.
He was there to visit the baby.

And next time your DP is too busy playing games to cook for his own family send him with them.
Tell him this now.

Your partner definitely can cook - he just doesn’t need to learn. Does he manage to hold down a job, complete challenging tasks that interest him? He can learn to cook and needs to do so.

Now our twins are older, I cook all their food during the day and DH makes our dinner every night. In fairness most if it is very easy, but at least he does it.

My DH would never expect me to cook for guests with a baby in tow

If he wanted to spend time with his sister they could have cooked together.

Tell your partner you have all the ingredients in for a roast and if it’s so easy he can make it today. Send him some recipes and let him get on with it.

OP
You shouldn't have been the one with the job to cook a meal.

Horrible partner.
Horrible FIL.

Be careful.
You are not being treated kindly.
Do not back down.
Is your partner abusive generally?
Have you family nearby to support you when your partner is being so unkind.
Protect yourself.
Your partner does not sound nice.

Nobody starts cooking a roast from scratch at 6.30pm,

This
Well lots of people like to eat later in the evening, not everyone is an early diner!

True,but if you here to start cooking a roast at 6.30.You be eating it about midnight.

I would have killed dp there and then. What a fucking arsehole, tell him to get off he's lazy arse and cook it himself. Dick

Your partner is the biggest arse here!

This is utterly crazy. Who turns up to a new parents' house and expects a full roast, even if it's been promised?! I would think wouldn't be unreasonable for them to have to pay for dinner in that circumstance, but as it was they were fed and you paid the bill. Can't believe fil complained!!

Tell your dp you were within your rights, he should have stepped up, and he needs to learn the meaning of lazy. How bloody rude of him.

Your partner and his dad sound like total arseholes.

DP is a shit cook

Then he is also a shit parent. He needs to grow up, build some basic childcare and parenting skills instead of assuming some hapless woman will always be there to pick up his slack.

Demonstration nappy changing and the odd bottle when "he isn't working" don't make a hands on parent.

“This is utterly crazy. Who turns up to a new parents' house and expects a full roast, even if it's been promised?!“

Err...someone to whom it has been enthusiastically offered? You can’t have a go at the fil here. Like we’ve all been saying, cooking a roast isn’t open heart surgery...OP was fine to offer and fil was ok to accept.

Dp was a dick to sit by and let it all fall flat.

If your partner couldn't settle your daughter all day why didn't he cook the roast? YANBU, they are asking too much from a woman with a new baby and I can see why his ex wife (MIL) didn't stay with him if that's his attitude!

I'm not going to reiterate what others have already said as they are completely right. Your DP should have stepped up here and said "Dad, Mum etc., we've just settled Baby HuniThos after quite the day of crying and discomfort so we'll not be having a roast dinner (and anyway, who has a roast dinner in this heat), so would you prefer Chinese, Indian or Pizza with all the trimmings for dinner? HuniThos is exhausted and although we said we would have a roast, it's not the weather for it and we just haven't had the time to cook today. So, what'll it be?"

HE should have said that not you.

Your DP's DF is an arse if he was travelling for a meal and seeing his grandchild appears to be an after thought.

If you want to say something to them, you could phone them (put them on speaker) and say that you're sorry if they got the impression that you were off with them but at 3 weeks post-partum, you're are finding that you're having highs enough to think you can take on the world (and cook them a roast dinner) and then Baby HuniThos puts the kaibosh on any plans and you're learning to adjust so you would appreciate it if they could adjust with you. You meant no disrespect and they shouldn't infer any either.

They got fed but perhaps not what they were expecting to be fed, job done in my book.

whatcha I think your ‘script’ there is excellent.

Are you actually joking me?

THEY should have brought the bloody takeaway and your H is a joke.

What part of you just having had a newborn and being exhausted did they not get!! Selfish twats, honestly I am raging on your behalf, they should of cooked for you!!

This is the kind of shit my husband pulled when the children were small. Always making out I was the unreasonable one, so I wouldn't complain and just get on with it and work myself into the ground doing everything. I'm completely worn out twenty years later and he's fresh as a daisy.

Really think about your relationship. Not saying ltb but just ensure this dynamic changes otherwise you'll end up in my boat. I feel too exhausted and ground down to end it now but I'm not happy and feel exploited tbh.

I think they are way out of order .Just chalk it down to experience .If they want to come to visit again, tell hubby Roast is easy and he needs to step up to the plate (literally)!. Probably best to keep it as tea and sandwiches in future!,I think many people seem to quickly "forget" what life is like with a new baby ,and expect things to go "back to normal" more quickly than is actually possible TBH!

True,but if you here to start cooking a roast at 6.30.You be eating it about midnight.

A roast takes 5 minutes to prepare, start at 6.30, eat by 8.30.

They were VERY unreasonable to make you feel at all guilty about that.

You husband was being a total prick.... I would have been apologising my arse off on my parents behalf, not sticking up for them.

BOC's

A roast takes 5 minutes to prepare, start at 6.30, eat by 8.30.

The meat might take 5 minutes to prepare, but what about the rest? A roast dinner needs more attention over a period of time than most meals.