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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

364 replies

HuniThos · 24/07/2019 00:43

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 24/07/2019 05:15

I usually enjoy cooking and thought family coming would be a good excuse to do some.

I totally get this, you can’t know just how tits up your day can go and just how hard it can be to do stuff you generally if the DC are having a bad day. I know I’d have wanted to feel a bit like myself again and cooking for guests would help me do that. I can also understand you wanting your partner to have some time to kick back with his sister. Life with children, especially a newborn, is different - plans need to be flexible, priorities change (from playing games to looking out for your partner and baby), so offering to cook with the very best of intentions is ok, realising on the day it’s just not happening is ok, ordering takeaway is totally fine. Everyone fed, nobody dead.

Given it would be blatantly obvious that you had it cooked, the caring thing to do would have been for one of the other adults to offer to either cook something or order takeaway. I’d be reminding your partner that while he was calling you lazy, he was sat on his arse playing games fully aware there was no way for you to cook a roast so late in the day.

Everydayimhuffling · 24/07/2019 05:17

A) It sounds like your DP wanted a day off being a parent, and a day of things being back to how they were before. He needs to get over that very quickly. Parents don't get days off from babies.
B) Your Fil is an arsehole to have even commented.
C) Your DP needs to learn to cook basics himself and/or be a really good support who does cleaning and preparation. I say this as the non-cook in my family: I'm not as good as DP and I don't enjoy cooking, but I can do pasta sauces and soups and I can follow a recipe.

Moviefan101 · 24/07/2019 05:20

My family (both sides) would have told me off for offering to cook so soon after baby. Then they would have ordered food. Tell them you were being a bit over ambitious order food and postpone full cooked meal till much later in the year

SeaEagle21 · 24/07/2019 05:22

You sound far too accommodating OP. If they were there for the day / overnight / next morning, there was NO reason why they should immediately wake up the baby for a cuddle when they arrived. You need to stop worrying about what they think of you . AND if your DH is too lazy to start dinner, he needs a kick up the rear end for complaining about it later.

CrumpetyTea · 24/07/2019 05:23

Your DP is a total knob -the apple obviously doesn't fall far from the tree.
You were silly for promising to cook- but they should a) have refused to let you in the first place and b) not complained - most people when they visit new borns bring food.

Bit baffled as to why you didn't give them breakfast though- surely that's a matter of pointing them in direction of cereal/toast/kettle - I'd find it ruder not to be offered breakfast (to make myself)

1300cakes · 24/07/2019 05:32

DP can't cook? Actually anyone cook as long as they have two arms and the ability to google "how to make a roast". I'm assuming you would have mentioned if DP didn't have those things.

Redken24 · 24/07/2019 05:37

Wtf is this for real? Yabu not to have had your dp cook. Yanbu for a takeaway.

Noone should have expected a roast with a 3 week old baby if your bf/expressing.

SuzieQQQ · 24/07/2019 05:47

I hate your husband. You had a baby 3 weeks ago. They can all fuck off. They should have been cooking for you not the other way round.

PapayaCoconut · 24/07/2019 05:50

Your partner is a fucking sexist caveman.

SuzieQQQ · 24/07/2019 05:58

Oh and by the way “I can’t cook” is a pathetic excuse. Anyone can cook! He just doesn’t want to. Get that sorted out pronto

Elle2019 · 24/07/2019 05:58

Are they for real???
You just had a baby and you are cooking for them. Then your DP has a go at you. Oh it would not end well for my husband if he did that. I’m 4 weeks away from giving birth to our second child. My in-laws are flying across the world to help us out after the birth of the baby and our 2 year old. They wouldn’t have it any other way.I ended up in the hospital the weekend and FIL wants to come now. I know I wont cook or clean the whole time they are here. When my friends have babies I call to them with dinner and some for them to freeze to keep them going for a couple of days. I would NEVER expect the new mom to cook. I also don’t care who calls i never wake a sleeping baby. They are adults they can wait or call again. You need to nip this kind of behaviour in the bud now. As for your husband I would be livid.

Actionhasmagic · 24/07/2019 06:00

This is sooooooo not okay! They should be looking after you!!!!

Campurp · 24/07/2019 06:05

Wow. Just wow! I also have a 3 week old and when guests come I don't even go to the kitchen to get them a drink! I offer and remind them that they know where the kitchen is!
Furthermore... how dare they even come down and not bring food and drinks themselves???
Your husband and in laws sound like entitled shits and if I were you I'd be letting them ALL know how selfish they are to complain after you're the one who's just given birth... if they wanted a roast they should have pulled their fingers out and got in the kitchen.
Your 'D'h is very disrespectful and needs to reevaluate his way of thinking or else the next few months/years will be very difficult. Playing Mario Kart instead of supporting his wife and child are abhorrent in my opinion, and him having the cheek to get at you tells me all I need to know about him and his archaic mindset. This whole thing has got me heated for you... so sorry OP but you need to start being blunt with the people in your life or you'll forever be walked over.

BasilTheGreat · 24/07/2019 06:08

Now when you have a child and maybe more in the future your DH need to learn how to cook. It will be an issue in the future. Imagine that you have to cook everything every day for the rest of your life’s. Also make sure he knows how to work all house hold appliances.

Raspberrytruffle · 24/07/2019 06:12

Jeez tell the lazy shit of a dp to get off his ass and cook rather than playing games. Poor you, I'd be nipping this in the bud before you end up completely down trodden years down the line Flowers

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 24/07/2019 06:18

How bloody rude!

I’d be v angry with my “D” P

MRex · 24/07/2019 06:18

Your DP needs to learn to cook and also needs to learn how to care about your welfare. He was very selfish on this occasion and let you all down.

I invited my in-laws for dinner at 2 weeks, then called to ask them to pick up takeaway instead. Presumably they paid for it too. They wouldn't care, they just wanted to see the baby.

poopypants · 24/07/2019 06:27

Ask him at what point between feeding, putting to bed and hosting were you supposed to prepare the meal. As you gave birth 3 weeks ago, ask him why he is not pampering you and allowing you to rest. Ask him what he was doing all day? Then tell him to fuck off.

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 06:32

You poor thing. Your partner and family were being twats of the highest order. when both my parents and in-laws came to visit they brought food and sorted it out. No-one should be expecting a roast off new parents. Your dp was the worst though. He should have pulled his finger out rather than playing mario cart.

GertrudeCB · 24/07/2019 06:36

With a new baby THEY should be providing food for YOU.
Your partner is being ridiculous. And a cunt.

User8888888 · 24/07/2019 06:38

Also the ‘I can’t cook’ cant continue. It’s just an excuse to get out of it. Get some gousto boxes that are idiot proof or some basic student cook books and let him crack on.

Esto · 24/07/2019 06:40

You are tied to this man and his god awful family for at least 18 years now so I think you need to start managing your relationship and boundaries with them NOW. Otherwise you are in for hell over the next two decades.

Not only that but the message you are sending to your child is that this behaviour is ok, and indeed to be expected. I have failed many times as a parent and a human and I just try to pick myself up and remind myself to be a better example for my children so that they grow up to be stronger. My parents are amazing but failed to protect me from the bad behaviour of one set of grandparents. I'm not making the same mistake with my own kids and I will deal with bad behaviour in the family head on, for their sake.

Good luck and congratulations on your beautiful baby. Flowers

VivienneHolt · 24/07/2019 06:42

Yanbu at all, and your husband is a twat. I can’t believe that in a house full of adults, not one of them offered to help the mother of a newborn with the cooking. They were all tossers and your FIL startlingly rude to complain that way.

And I repeat for emphasis, your husband is a twat.

Howlovely · 24/07/2019 06:42

What's he for, your husband?
Were they all just sitting there, rolling their eyes and tutting whilst you were settling the baby, moaning that you haven't cooked a roast yet? Good grief, I can't believe your husband, his father or his father's wife think this is in any way acceptable. He should be the one apologising for his disgraceful behaviour not having a go at you!

CheesecakeAddict · 24/07/2019 06:44

It doesn't matter that he doesn't get to see his sister often. He is a father and has responsibilities now, that mean if HIS father wants a roast 3 weeks after the woman he impregnated gave birth, HE has to deal with it. You need to pull him up on this