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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

364 replies

HuniThos · 24/07/2019 00:43

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 25/07/2019 19:36

OP have you shown your DH this thread? It's pretty damn unanimous.

Catsinthecupboard · 25/07/2019 19:39

THEY should have offered to make YOU dinner. Too darn bad for him.

My dh would have told me not to cook for his family. (He always tells me not to cook for them bc he thinks they are CF's....maybe your fil is a CF too?)

dcthatsme · 25/07/2019 19:57

You are so not being unreasonable! Really lacking in empathy this lot... With so much on your plate they could have thought about you rather than themselves. I am quite shocked at this behaviour tbh. I hope you can get your DP to understand just how exhausted you are and that you need support not criticism. Grrr

FelicisNox · 25/07/2019 19:57

You had me at: I had a baby 3 weeks ago.

You order what you like. Flowers

Toomuchtrouble4me · 25/07/2019 20:00

Apart from the fact it’s fucking boiling so who wants a roast? And that if you hadn’t started by 6.30 it clearly wasn’t going to happen, and you’ve got a newborn...he couldn’t help because he was playing Mario Kart?!? Is he 12? And then he had a go at you? Why the fuck didn’t he cook If he wanted a roast?
Is there a sub-story? We’re you being off with his dad because you were tired and didn’t really want company?
Even if you were, your partner is still an immature wanker...you need to get him to fucking grow up.

blackteasplease · 25/07/2019 20:07

I know everyone has said this but of course he should habe cooked. Or arranged the takeaway or whatever if no one wanted a roast (who would in this weather?)

He had the cheek to say you came across lazy! He comes across.lazy and a horrible twat!

EmperorBallpitine · 25/07/2019 20:08

There will be a lot of times over the years of fatherhood where he will need to cook. Not necessarily anything fancy, but, something.... He should have got up and spent quality time with his sister as his sous chef cooking the meal. Family... Not guests. I can't believe they put you through that, then complained.

sophe · 25/07/2019 20:19

Sorry, you lost me here. You volunteered to cook this meal, invited them round for it. You had the time to get all this food, get it all assembled etc. Why did you really not manage to get it in the oven?

Wine o'clock?

LonelyGir1 · 25/07/2019 20:34

I'm sue it was just an off day, but you had a baby three weeks ago.

They are all being C U next Tuesdays.

I'm sorry as you must be feeling crap, but it really wasn't unreasonable of you.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 25/07/2019 20:52

sophe

Did you not read ops explanation?
“DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.”

Fucking Wine o’clock - she’s got a needy newborn and DP is an immature twat!
She was exhausted, hot, and without support. Why so bloody nasty?

angelfacecuti75 · 25/07/2019 20:53

My reply would've been "well you know where the kitchen is, they aren't my family. You are calling me lazy when you don't lift a finger to help in the kitchen " and walked out the room . Or possibly:
"Well you could have got off your lazy ass and done it your bloody self instead of letting me tend to a fussy baby, and wait on you and your family hand and foot. But u didn't. I'm not the effing lazy one here so eff off calling me effing lazy and next time stick up for the bloody mother of your kid to your bloody demanding arsey family instead of bloody making me out to be the sodding bad guy when you was sitting on the floor, on your arse oblivious to everything "
That would be MY version to my oh. That gets the message across in no uncertain terms!^

Ilfie · 25/07/2019 20:54

If I’d been your mother in law and you’d got all the stuff in but was totally exhausted (as expected as mother of newborn) I’d have got into the kitchen and provided a full roast in under 2hrs! Let’s face it it’s not a big deal for most women when they’re feeling ok! You should not feel guilty, the rest of them have let you down!

angelfacecuti75 · 25/07/2019 20:56

Fully supportive of the OP. Fully unsupportive of lazy entitled oh with no balls & arsey family who would have been told shortly and sharply "No sorry I'm not doing a roast , the baby has been crying non stop all day, it's either that or nothing I'm afraid...."

ElleMac44 · 25/07/2019 20:58

Yanbu at all, they should have either cooked for you, or brought a home cooked meal for everyone in dishes, or picked up a takeaway, your job is caring for your new born and yourself. I was told by a Dr that a woman giving birth is the equivalent to having a head on car crash, that it takes the body and mind time to recover from birth just as it would a car crash and even worse if it's a C section. So they are being unreal in their expectations, you need rest, not extra work.

angelfacecuti75 · 25/07/2019 21:01

Ps and if they persisted (in laws) : " No I'm not doing it sorry I've said no once , you came to see your grandchild and you are welcome but I'm beggared if I'm cooking in this heat and the baby has been crying all day. You are very welcome here that's not the issue -the issue is I'm completely knackered and hot and I dont want to cook. Please be understanding and supportive and not so judgemental. "

angelfacecuti75 · 25/07/2019 21:03

Or perhaps if you dont like it you know where the door is...it's not a restaurant. Fuming on your behalf.

A good line " What else would you like me to do ? Stick a broom up my arse and sweep the floor with it too?"

angelfacecuti75 · 25/07/2019 21:05

Because the baby has been crying all day and her oh is a lazy twat ?

AE18 · 25/07/2019 21:18

@sophe are you for real? She explained that the baby had been crying all day, and your mind jumped to wine o'clock? What is this judgmental, sexist crap? I agree it was unwise to suggest a roast but seriously, a house full of adults doing nothing and the mother is what, a lazy alcoholic for not feeling up to it once she finished the rest of the woman's work?

brassbrass · 25/07/2019 21:25

There are some goady fuckers online tonight 🙄

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 25/07/2019 21:26

The only good news is that you are not married to your lazy, self entitled manchild. He doesn't sound nearly mature enough to be a partner let alone a father - I mean WTAF - he can't cook? And yet you chose to set up home and have a child with an adult who cannot feed himself without recourse to ready meals. It's a shame your benchmark for choosing a life partner is set so low Op - you need to work on raising your expections for what your DP brings to this relationship. Playing fucking mario cart - what is he 5?

Amara123 · 25/07/2019 21:42

Your in-laws are entitled twats (as is your DP). If my family or my in-laws came over, they would have put the dinner on themselves. Mine did when I was post-natal.
And have they even considered for a second how you are still in the early post-natal period, with a recovering body and fluctuating hormones. That said if I was handling the baby, I would have told them to get on with the cooking, and that I was too busy.
You need to get more assertive too, obviously your DP and in-laws need to be instructed.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/07/2019 21:47

I can't believe your in-laws actually expected you to cook a roast dinner with a 3 week old! Are they fucking stupid? When you offered any normal person would have smiled and nodded and known that wasn't happening.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 25/07/2019 21:53

Reminds me of when mine were newborn.
Some people just lurve to yank your chain when you're a new mum.
YANBU. Pricks!

LittleMsM · 25/07/2019 22:01

No fucking way! You passed the baby around to them even though she just settled - they need to learn that you don't host with a newborn, they should have been treating you to a nice takeout - and there's no fucking way that it is acceptable for you husband to play a video game with his sister, then report back this 'rating' of your hosting - his priority should be you and your little one now - that's his family now.

pollymere · 25/07/2019 22:08

They should've cooked dinner. Very rude. Be grateful for food is my motto. My FIL once demanded I go to the shops and then cook him a meal when I had a fever. I ended up complying just to shut up his whingeing and I don't think DH registered how ill I was. It's been an item on the agenda of unreasonable behaviour ever since.