To have ordered a takeaway after promising to cook for guests?

[HuniThos]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago and haven't really had visitors except for my parents and DP's mum. DP's father (lives 3 hours away) arranged with us to come down to ours with his wife (DP's stepmum) and their DD (16) to meet baby etc yesterday. On a whim I said "Oooh I'll cook us all a big roast." The morning before they arrived I went to Asda and spent quite a bit on ingredients and a big pudding for us all. But DD spent the rest of the day screaming and me and DP couldn't settle her and I was too stressed to cook. Just as I settled DD, DP's family arrived and obviously they all had been looking forward to a cuddle and I didn't want to deny them that. That set DD off again and I had to give her a feed to calm her down. After about an hour of passing baby around I went to take her up to bed. By this time it was 6:30ish. When I'm done DP's father hints that he's hungry after the long drive. I go into the kitchen but feel ill when I see all of the ingredients layed out, I was exhausted and didn't want to cook. Asked DP to help but he was busy playing Mario Kart with his sister.

I said "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted and can't cook. I'll order a takeaway." DP's dad exclaimed he'd been looking foward to the roast, knew I responded that I knew he'd driven a long way and we'd pay for the takeaway. We ordered stuff from the chicken shop and then all went to bed around half 12, with DP's family on the sofa. They left around lunch that morning and were getting food on the way home so didn't have breakfast or lunch with us. As soon as they left DP had a go at me about dinner, saying his dad was disappointed about the roast and that he told him felt I was being funny with him. He said I came off as lazy for refusing to cook. We had quite a big row.

I didn't see it that way. I have a newborn FFS and he wouldn't help cook. And his family came to meet DD, not for the meal. We're not a bloody restaraunt ffs! AIBU to think DP is being a prick or was I really that rude?

Oh my goodness, I can't believe this bullcrap. YANBU! Show your husband this thread.

Your DH is an Arse wipe! How dare he place any expectations on you regarding visitors. Let him try to pacify a baby then cook a roast. My child is 3 and I still don't even cook most day, my MIL cooks food for my husband so I don't have to think about cooking most days.

I'm so angry for you OP

OP You haven't been back so guess you're busy with your baby.

My only comment is looking forward. Your husband needs to step up long-term. Has he just gone from his parents house to yours so always been an infant child? He needs to learn just basic meals .. not just buy takeaways which are either expensive or bad for you or both. And is he helping round the house?

So there were 3 adults in the house plus a 16 year old, who had not just had a baby.
Any combination of the 4 people above should have pulled their fingers out and cooked lunch.
Your DH reply needs a reality check. He's a father now not a child.

What did you say when he was too busy playing to cook? I'd have told my DH pretty clearly that the responsibility of sorting food is with him. Then I'd probably have unplugged whatever game he was playing and lobbed it out the window.

Look far into the future, OP, to when your baby DD is all grown up and 3 weeks post partum with her first baby... and you visit... will you expect her to hold up to her hormone-high promise of a full roast - or will you bring food, make her sit down and rest, and make sure that she and her baby are both happy, and okay?

No. Of course you won't.

But when your current partner visits, what will he expect of your daughter? Exactly what his father/stepmother/sister expected of you. It's no wonder you walked into the kitchen and felt ill... it's hot, your baby was fractious, and you knew that you - recently post-partum, still recovering - were expected to do it all. By yourself. Whilst they all sat on their arses in another room.

And then, your "partner" had the audacity to hypocritically have a go at you?! Because... why? He was embarrassed that you weren't the pristine little housewife his father expects him to have shacked up with. Does he genuinely help out round the house/with the baby he helped create - or is it a case of learned helplessness, I wonder?

My ex went travelling with his mates when both of my children were newborns - so I was expected to get on with things by myself. I was one day post-partum (19 hours) when I found myself driving my oldest child to school, in the depths of a nasty winter, with a bewildered, needed a feed, newborn strapped into his seat beside me. We got through it (barely), I survived - but I never forgave/trusted my ex again. As another poster says: "life goes on" - yes. It does.

But it doesn't have to go on with an abusive, immature, man-child cluttering up your life.

Like father, like son... and your actual MIL had the courage to leave your partner's father.

3 week old baby! Your joking right, (although I did have c section) but even Conventional births massively take it out of you, plus having to care for mini human stranger who cries a lot. No way I would of cooked a roast, I wouldn’t now with an 8 month old!!!

What a load of selfish bastards

If that was my dh, he would be cooking every meal for his family every time they ever came back, on principal.

Your husband & father in law were HUGE twats!! How dare they be so ridiculous over a meal - you pushed a tiny human out of your body 3 weeks ago!! They should have been cooking for you!! Arseholes!! I'd be fuming if I were you!!

I definitely cooked a meal within 3 weeks of having a baby, I would imagine lots of women have.

However, I never felt compelled to and I sure as hell didn't do it at the end of an awful day.

The thing is with babies, you never know when you'll have an easy day or night and conversely a miserable day or a really hard night.

I certainly couldn't face cooking a roast and cleaning up after one, after a hard day.

YANBU but you were really daft to volunteer to cook a roast. 😂. What were you thinking. Also it was a bit daft that you forgot about putting it on until 6:30.

You obviously weren't unreasonable to order a takeaway though.

What horrible people. And your DP needs a massive kick up the arse.

Hi, have been busy with baby and errands today so have only just got online.

I have sent a text message to DP's stepmum along the lines of

"I apologize if I came across a bit distant when you visited, DD had had a tough day and I was exhuasted. It was nothing personal, and I didn't want to start on dinner so late in the day and keep you all waiting afrer the long drive."

I still don't know whether DP's father did complain or if DP is just being a prick.

And I was def U for offering to cook but my hormones are all over the place. One day I'll be wanting to drive into the countryside and go and a big long walk with the pram and then the next day I can't get out of bed.

@Dieu good job they weren't at yours then

He should have cooked before they arrived or be happy with take away. Chicken shop is grim in my opinion. But that not really relevant! It's about him being a twat.

I’m angry for you OP. His whole family sound rude and expectant. They should have been cooking for you. And your DP, is he normally that selfish. You deserve a very sincere apology for him even suggesting you were in the wrong. He should have been encouraging you to rest, not cook for family.

YANBU. It’s about 500 degrees today, I can’t believe they still even wanted a roast!! My oven has not been switched on for a week. But if they did it was up to dh to cook it. Yes you offered but they certainly shouldn’t have held you to it.

I foolishly agreed to cook Christmas dinner when I was 5 weeks post partum. I have regretted it ever since, and dh did help out a lot! To be honest, a bit of me hasn’t forgiven pil for not telling me not to be so ridiculous and offering to host instead.

Totally agree your dp was being ridiculous. If he wanted his family to have the roast, let him cook it.

As for 18h30 being late to cook, it sounds quite reasonable to me ? Assuming it takes a couple of hours, the food would be ready around 20h30, which sounds very reasonable and normal for dinner.

No you weren't unreasonable, they came to visit not for a roast! They were fed, they're lucky. Some people actually bring food or offer to help. Don't feel bad, I hate how pressure is put on some mums to host when they should be resting and getting to know their baby. Your partner knew what kind of day you'd had and should have suggested take-away anyway.

Wtaf, your DP’s reaction was ridiculous and so was his dad’s - inconsiderate shits! Of course YANBU, not a bloody bit and don’t feel an ounce of guilt. A take away is fine, you fed them so they should be grateful.

What a bunch of ungrateful tosspots. I'm sorry they've made you feel like that you deserve better!

Maybe chicken shop was a bit grim, but DP wanted Indian and his dad and stepmum pizza so we let the teenager decide.

You are still trying to excuse his behaviour

Actually your most recent post is even worse - his visitors wanted pizza he didnt so they ended up with chicken

I think this just highlights what bad parents they are. That they think you'd be up to cooking in them circumstances.
Obviously the 'dads' have never bothered to spend much time with young kids or they'd know what it entails!

Luadipa they're looking back with rose tinted glasses and they've forgot exactly what it's like!!
That's what I think anyway!
I'll never forget one Easter my parents came to me , I had a sick baby, cooked a full roast and they didn't even offer to wash up!
The things they come out with are absolute bollocks regards parenting, I'm amazed I survived.
However they are very loving to me and my dd, just got fuck all in the way of practicality.

Couldn't your Fil and SMIL have offered to cook? Or offered to help?

There's no way you should have been expected to cook. When you offered the roast the polite thing to say would have been 'we will come but will bring food as you shouldn't be doing too much'.

That's what decent in laws do!

I'd be fuming. 3 weeks post partum is the hardest time. You are truly exhausted by this point.