SO much cheating

[Somuchcheating]

Feeling a bit floored about how much cheating I’ve recently found out is going on amongst people I know

Don’t think this is just my circle is it? The below are a mix of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, friends of friends etc

Just a few examples -

High up local official, family man, currently sleeping with three women other than his wife

Married man with baby engaging in gay foursomes of a weekend

Friend of dh having affair, wife oblivious

Married Woman at work sleeping with our mutual colleague, everyone but her dh knows

Don’t consider myself particularly naive but was really shocked at just how much cheating is going on, and know for a fact their other halves are clueless

Makes me both and 😡

I've worked in places where the old looking married middle aged men were sleeping around. The young women got promoted above any one who didn't shag the married bosses.

Incidentally, if you’re convinced your dh has never cheated, what makes you so convinced?

I know my DH would never cheat because I know him so well and know how he feels about marriage, infidelity, divorce etc.

He feels the same way I do. Cheating is wrong. It is totally disrespectful to do that to someone you supposedly love and respect. If you are not happy then you end that marriage or relationship and then sleep with someone else.

I think sometimes you can know for certain what someone would or would not do. Some people do actually have moral standards and would not cheat no matter what the circumstances.

It's pathetic to try and make excuses for cheaters. To me and DH they are just totally immoral.

We have had enough conversations over the years about friends cheating to both know how the other feels. We also know each other's views on marriage. DH is absolutely certain I won't cheat and I am absolutely certain he won't.

Just because others have lower or no morals doesn't mean we do

I don’t think mine would but I do understand that if Kylie Minogue invited him to come hither, he might find it quite a difficult decision. Good thing it’s as likely as Pierce Brosnan tempting me.

Not remotely surprised. I am old and have worked at loads of different places. Never worked anywhere were extra marital affairs weren't commonplace.

@mydogisthebest
At first when I read your post, I thought how lovely. But then I remember my dh was of the same opinion ( in terms of me potentially cheating on him)
When it came to his choices, he managed to perfectly justify them. Yet another man who blames his wife for his infidelities. Christian my arse

I have found in my working life that the larger the office the more affairs. I worked for a year in a large grim office in Croydon, I could not believe how many people were cheating. Including a man who has only recently got married!

I’m afraid the people who think either they or their partners would never, under no circumstances cheat are being naive/ in denial. You haven’t yet experienced “all circumstances” so you don’t actually know for sure what you’d do in every situation. It may be the case that you are far less likely than others but nothing is certain.

My ex DP (tbf we weren’t married) was literally the last person you’d think would cheat. I actually picked him for that quality after seeing a few friends go through heartbreak due to cheating! He was sweet, fairly shy/quiet, not very good looking, very principled (real family man, doctor, volunteered for charity etc), spoke badly of cheaters and said he didn't understand why anyone would do that. Also, he was SO into me, more so than I was into him!

And even he cheated. My friends and family (and I) were truly gobsmacked. It seemed completely out of character. He was very ashamed afterwards and said he really regretted it but he still did it! His excuse was that the girl heavily pursued him when he was drunk and I was away on holiday.

On the flip side, I never thought I would cheat. Was brought up to think cheating men are the devil and cheating women are sluts. I thought it showed a lack of morals and lack of self control/self respect etc, which I do think it does to a certain extent.

But I was shocked last year by the extent of my feelings when I met someone new (I am in a LTR). Nothing actually happened in the end as we spoke about it and agreed we didn’t want to be that kind of person (he is also in a LTR). But I would never have predicted that I could feel that way about someone else whilst in a happy relationship. I love DP and hope we get married so am very glad nothing happened but I now realise that not everything is black and white and that if I faced a similar situation whilst in a bad place in my relationship I couldn’t be sure that I wouldn’t crack.

I’m afraid the people who think either they or their partners would never, under no circumstances cheat are being naive/ in denial. You haven’t yet experienced “all circumstances” so you don’t actually know for sure what you’d do in every situation. It may be the case that you are far less likely than others but nothing is certain

I disagree with that. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would never have cheated whatever I was faced with. That’s not to say I wouldn’t have feelings for someone but how I act is always within my control.

I think we can say, statistically, out of billions of people, some won't cheat (and some will), but not sure we could pick which is which out of a line-up, even of people we know, maybe not even ourselves. I don't think it's unreasonable to be surprised when something like cheating (or similar things like, as already mentioned, drugs) shows up a lot in people you know.

I think cheating has been common for generations, just as sex before marriage or other behaviours often viewed as "modern", especially among those with enough power to get away from the social stigma attached to it. I don't think seeing it as much to do with us living longer - there have long been people who have lived to 60+ who were married for 30+ years (low life expectancy is to with lots of people dying as young kids, not everyone dying at 40), but more people living urban areas and ease of travel/communication and so on probably makes it easier and the convenience is often one of the main barriers to break for things like this. Those things also make it easier to be caught than previously.

@ConkerGame, how rude to suggest that some people are naïve or in denial to say they know they would not cheat.

I can assure you that under no circumstances would I cheat. Yes I am certain, 100% certain. Have you not read my posts? I think is totally totally totally wrong, immoral, pathetic. I could go on but I think you should get the idea.

What circumstances exactly might people experience that would make cheating acceptable? Certainly no circumstance would ever make it acceptable to me.

As for your ex saying he cheated because he was drunk and because a girl came on to him well that shows what sort of man he is. Certainly not one with morals.

Funny how so many that cheat then claim that "they never meant it to happen". Like people's clothes are regularly flying off all by themselves and they find themselves in bed with someone without knowing how they got there. As I said, pathetic

Well I hope you are right @Jacques but I felt the same as you once.

On another note, I have been shocked by how prevalent more “casual” cheating seems, I.e. not a full on affair, just trying their luck when out and drunk. When I was last single TWO separate married men tried it on with me on drunken nights out within the space of a couple of months. One had only been married a few months and the other about a year. Both were late twenties, no kids. It came out of nowhere with both of them - no flirty exchanges beforehand or anything! Their wives are pretty, fun, successful women and neither would have any idea!

ConkerGame

I think it’s a fairly safe bet. I never cheated in the years I was in relationships. I’m now single and will remain so, the odds are in my favour

Conker

Then you shouldn't be with your partner, certainly not thinking of marriage if you are unsure you wouldn't cheat.

I think most people under certain circumstances would cheat, it’s just the case that a lot of the time those circumstances don’t happen or come together so it doesn’t happen. Maybe not all people, but most- definitely!

Yanbu. I was gobsmacked the offers I got by who I considered happily married when I first separated.

Some wives, including on here are incredibly naive. More husbands cheat than are faithful but women are just as bad.

There are wives on my facebook who always post about their wonderful husbands and what lovely things they have done. Meanwhile my inbox had their unsolicited dick pics. You couldnt make it up

My ex cheated on me for 12.5 out of our 13 years together. It was very easy for him to do it as he often worked out of town and kept irregular hours. For most of our time together except the last two years he was very loving and we still had lots of sex. Yet he still cheated on me with dozens of women. Since then I've been lucky to meet more trustworthy men but I don't think you can ever truly know someone else 100%.

People sometimes say 'he / she doesn't have the time'. I worked with two people having an affair with each other and they'd find a room that locked and snagged in there during work hours.

• shagged

@Crazybunnylady123 statistically, it's not 'if', it's when. If he hasn't already then at some point he will. It's always one side of the relationship so if you're adamant it wont be you, then it will likely be him.

At somepoint in almost every marriage one or both will cheat in some way.

My best friend thought exactly like you. Everyone did. He was loyal, kind, would never have thought him to be 'that type'. Except her boyfriend of 8yrs at the time was in the army. I used to work for army housing support. Guess who had a house with a wife and a baby on the way 🤷

I couldn't tell her because of data protection. But I sure as shit slowly put the idea in her head he wasnt as faithful as we all thought. She eventually found a 2nd phone hidden in his car.

She never thought he was the type 🤷 and he wasn't.

A friend of mine has been having an affair for 6 years and he still hasn't been found out. His 'girlfriend' married someone else and so he married his other girlfriend... and they're both still at it and no one outside of work is any the wiser. It's grim.

My sister’s H was so moralistic and judgy about cheaters. Absolutely hated it, always very vocal that if he was ever unhappy he would always leave first, they talked about and had open convos that they both would always say if they were unhappy and just leave first, never ever cheat...well guess what he did! Affair for a year, left when Dsis was pregnant with their second. It’s easy to say you’d do (or not do) xyz but actually doing it is another matter. Deeds not words!

@Tallgreenbottle
What are you trying to do? make me insecure in my relationship. Not likely!
He won’t cheat I know this and neither will I. I trust him and what is a relationship without trust?
All of these women who don’t trust their partner should be single. It is sad. for u

Just get on with your own life and leave other people to theirs. You have no idea of the circumstances of what’s going on, or even if they are cheating at all and it’s not just gossip.

I always remember my Mum saying how my Nana was convinced that everyone cheats & that’s just the way life is.

She’s 95 soon & my Mum was always suspicious of her parentage.

I think it’s probably always been the case but now more people have free reign to leave for the OW/OM,