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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SO much cheating

179 replies

Somuchcheating · 22/07/2019 16:33

Feeling a bit floored about how much cheating I’ve recently found out is going on amongst people I know

Don’t think this is just my circle is it? The below are a mix of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, friends of friends etc

Just a few examples -

High up local official, family man, currently sleeping with three women other than his wife

Married man with baby engaging in gay foursomes of a weekend

Friend of dh having affair, wife oblivious

Married Woman at work sleeping with our mutual colleague, everyone but her dh knows

Don’t consider myself particularly naive but was really shocked at just how much cheating is going on, and know for a fact their other halves are clueless

Makes me both Sad and 😡

OP posts:
Crazybunnylady123 · 23/07/2019 08:35

@hazandduck
I am not naive don’t worry for me as he will never cheat. He may fall out of love and leave (I highly doubt it) but he wouldn’t cheat on me. It’s the way we were both brought up. Some people do have morals.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 23/07/2019 10:05

Crazybunnylady123 I'm with you, I know my dp wouldn't cheat either. I don't really care that other people think that makes me naive, I am incredibly secure in my relationship and trust him 100%

VictoriaBites · 23/07/2019 10:22

BiL has (it turns out), been using prostitutes of various kinds for almost all of his 35 year marriage. He's utterly unrepentant about it, "why shouldn't I, who wants to sleep with a middle aged woman?" - forgetting that his DW wasn't middle aged 35 years ago Hmm ) and is furious that he now finds himself on the receiving end of a divorce petition. This is a man, well educated, good career, pillar of the community, school governor, all the rest. If he can do it, they all can.

My first husband shagged anything with a pulse and my then SiL told me that she and the rest of the family just assumed I was turning a blind eye. I wasn't, but I was deep in denial, as are most people.

hazandduck · 23/07/2019 10:40

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Oh come off it, as if the poor helpless men couldn’t have just said no to these evil sharp clawed devil women 🙄

hazandduck · 23/07/2019 10:44

But @Somuchcheating that just goes to show these things aren’t always black and white, people aren’t necessarily just good or bad.

Good for the posters above who have complete trust. Didn’t mean to offend and I hope you are right. I also hope me and DH are the same and neither of us ever stray and we stay happy forever. I’m sure that’s how the majority of people feel.

Excited101 · 23/07/2019 10:46

Oh it’s really common, sadly. It’s v naive to think otherwise.

Afternooninthepark · 23/07/2019 11:02

I think its always gone on but much more prolific these days because of social media and the ease of connecting with people. There also seems to be a lot of this ‘I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself’ attitude these days.
My neighbour has been shagging a local married woman for the last 15 years. She is always on Facebook posting pics of herself with dh and dd and people comment on how wonderful she is and what a fantastic mum/wife, haha, if only they knew!

hazandduck · 23/07/2019 11:22

@Afternooninthepark but she might well be a wonderful mum. Maybe her husband knows and they have an agreement?

Scorpiovenus · 23/07/2019 11:25

I know its disgusting isn't it.

Vile human behaviour with zero boundaries respect or self control.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/07/2019 11:37

I think it's a lot more common then people realise and yes I think people are naive

When with our group of friends, we would sometimes discuss if we would be able to tell our friends if their oh were cheating. They said several times (100% agreed with them) "you don't have to worry mega, your dh would never do anything like that and if we had to bet on all the dh's yours would be the last one to do anything like that. We can all see and know just how much he loves you" well guess what....he was the first

Honestly I 100% trusted him and definitely believed he wasn't the type at all, it nearly killed me when I found out. I'm not so bloody naive now

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 23/07/2019 13:01

Lots of nosey people on this thread knowing all their friends private business Grin.

I did used to take a very hard line with cheating. I still wouldn't do it don't get me wrong; but the longer I stay in a monogamous relationship the more I can understand it Grin.

I have never had a good job, but thought if I waited till I had one it might be too late to have kids so I am financially dependent on dp. I think if he cheated I would probably have to just grin and bare its least for a few years. I don't think DP would do it, but he must know I wouldn't leave and with the power imbalance there I think it must be tempting.

PoppyFleur · 23/07/2019 13:43

I'm in awe of their energy levels. Between family commitments, work commitments, household chores, hospital visits and trying to eat healthy and do exercise (plus a bit of mumsnet and the occasional episode of a boxset) that's most of my waking hours consumed.

Making I'm not taking the right vitamins. Confused

Divebar · 23/07/2019 13:47

Lordy. I think some people need a reality check. There are a lot of men in this world interested in extra marital sex - some of them you would spot immediately but very many are not obviously “ the type”. What a great deal of them have in common is a lack of sex or access to the kind of sex that they want to have ( kinks etc). Lots of them are otherwise nice, professional family men. Women I can’t be so certain about but I do know of two married women with FWB so I must assume that it’s not that common. These are also middle class, professional women who would not stand out at the school gates. Women are still more likely to be labelled in society than men so I suspect they take greater pains to keep it quiet.

Divebar · 23/07/2019 13:48

Eeeeugh. What I should have said that it is fairly common. Doh! The heat I blame the heat !

VictoriaBites · 23/07/2019 14:19

What a great deal of them have in common is a lack of sex or access to the kind of sex that they want to have ( kinks etc). Lots of them are otherwise nice, professional family men.

This, exactly. BiL feels entitled to have the sort of sex that his DW doesn't want i.e. kink, anal etc. He prefers teenagers too (he's 59). He gambled that his DW wouldn't give up what, on the face of it, is a very nice life. He lost, but he still thinks that divorce is worse for his reputation than paying for sex, and that if his DW would turn a blind eye, life could go on. Mad.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 14:33

Mine wouldn't cheat either, he doesn't need to and has always been a priority in my life, along with the children.
he knows it wouldn't be the end of us if he slept with someone else, so wouldn't need to cheat.
We started off not making rules and threats and so far so good. 31 years and counting.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 14:50

Mine wouldn’t cheat either, he doesn’t need to. Do any of them need to? Confused

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 14:54

There is no way you can say with absolute certainty “my partner would never cheat”. It simply isn’t possible to know what another person will do as “fact”.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 14:56

Of course it is. If they get their kinky sex at home and the wife has looked after herself, he has no reason to.
The same the other way for men. Keep trim, fit and put your wife first , before any career, she won't need to stray.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 14:57

How smug!

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 14:58

And deluded.

Divebar · 23/07/2019 14:59

Incredibly

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 15:01

@Paramicha you’ve got some majorly fucked up morality going on there.

Eustasiavye · 23/07/2019 15:02

I do know 2 women who openly have a husband and a boyfriend, one even has a fwb too.
Apparently both husbands do not want to divorce so will tolerate it.
In my younger days I had a boyfriend who's mum and dad were married and in the face of it lived a pretty standard normal life. Tuned out they led separate lives and the dad had 's lady friend'.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 15:03

No, just realistic.
Lots of couples forget about each other when kids and work come along, it's like a life of responsibilities.
People have affairs for some excitement because they want change from their boring existence.
It works for us because we live for us, to make each other happy. Neither smug nor deluded.
If either of us slept with anyone else it would be with the others blessing, so why would either of us need to cheat.

The cheaters I know have done so because their spouse wouldn't give permission and it would be the end of their relationship.
They have to cheat if they aren't happy.