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Original poster

SO much cheating

179 replies

Somuchcheating · 22/07/2019 16:33

Feeling a bit floored about how much cheating I’ve recently found out is going on amongst people I know

Don’t think this is just my circle is it? The below are a mix of friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, friends of friends etc

Just a few examples -

High up local official, family man, currently sleeping with three women other than his wife

Married man with baby engaging in gay foursomes of a weekend

Friend of dh having affair, wife oblivious

Married Woman at work sleeping with our mutual colleague, everyone but her dh knows

Don’t consider myself particularly naive but was really shocked at just how much cheating is going on, and know for a fact their other halves are clueless

Makes me both Sad and 😡

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 15:06

They have to cheat if they aren't happy

They really don’t. It’s terribly easy not to stick your dick in someone else, or open your legs for someone else.

You sound like you’ve got major self-esteem issues.

Divebar · 23/07/2019 15:07

What if your husbands kink is older women, BBWs, men, trans women, women of colour? How exactly are you going to service that desire with your “ trim” body?

namynom · 23/07/2019 15:09

To the PPs saying it’s more unrealistic to expect people not to cheat, there are other options you know. It’s not cheat or stay in a 70 year long unhappy marriage.

a) ask your partner about opening the marriage, if they aren’t happy with this then
b) leave

Yes monogamy is hard but there’s no reason for dishonesty in a relationship. You aren’t handcuffed to your partner. I’m sure most people wouldn’t be happy to know their partners were just staying with them out of a sense of duty. Just leave.

Havingarethink · 23/07/2019 15:27

It's not always about sex or being sexy, sometimes you just click with someone on a level, that has never happened before.

And to all those never never people, I envy your unshakeable conviction, I really do. But where does it come from? I don't think I have ever had the luxury of being so certain about anything Confused.

Alsohuman · 23/07/2019 15:31

So @Paramicha, if your husband wanted you to do something you found abhorrent with your trim body, would you grit your teeth and think of England so he wouldn’t stray?

Sarcelle · 23/07/2019 15:34

We have all been sold a myth about relationships. Monogamy might have been desirable once when we did not live to a long age, but we live longer now and life can drag. People stray for various reasons, boredom with the same old same old, no matter how trim you have kept yourself.

I am married. Never strayed. I think if DH got the opportunity he would. When I was younger if I found out my DH had strayed I would have been devastated. Nowadays I would be more pragmatic. He is my best friend and we have a good life, a lot of history and memories. So, whilst I would prefer him not to, I would not LTB if he did. As long as his fling did not impact on my life that is.

If I found out he was paying for sex, especially with young girls, or was bisexual that would be very different for me. I would feel like I never really knew him.

We had a workman in recently, very friendly to DH, lots of sport talk. But soon as DH back turned the guy tried it on with me. This guy is a real family guy, rhapsodising about his wife and kids....means nothing, he just wants extramarital sex. I was not tempted but I would imagine he tries it on with a lot of people successfully.

There's not a great deal of romance around these days. But a lot of sex.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 15:34

And to all those never never people, I envy your unshakeable conviction, I really do. But where does it come from? I don't think I have ever had the luxury of being so certain about anything

The only person you can guarantee won’t cheat is yourself, if those are your beliefs!

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 15:50

Also

It would be more likely to be the other way round tbh. He's never had a reason to stray, if he wants to he'll ask and likewise I would.
Of course there's the exception but all these men who apparently wouldn't cheat, the warning signs are usually there.
They are usually unhappy with their lot.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 15:55

Jacques

When you know you are loved and you love your partner, you don't have self esteem issues, in fact it's the opposite, confidence is sky high when you know your oh, what they like, their dislikes, sexual preferences and share life philosophy.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 15:56

When you know you are loved and you love your partner, you don't have self esteem issues, in fact it's the opposite, confidence is sky high when you know your oh, what they like, their dislikes, sexual preferences and share life philosophy

Bullshit. You would hold yourself responsible for your husband cheating. You say he gets “kinky sex” at home and you “keep trim”.

That’s not good self-esteem.

Alsohuman · 23/07/2019 15:59

Not only is it not good self esteem but it’s utterable smugness. Hubris has a habit of smiting the smug.

Sarcelle · 23/07/2019 16:00

I really don't think they have to be unhappy with their lot to stray. They just want sex, not necessarily with their long term partner. If you ate strawberry ice cream everyday at some point you will want to try salted caramel. It's the thrill of the new. It has nothing to do whether their partners kept themselves trim at all. Nobody can be everything to one person. And it is delusional to think that you can know 100 percent what your partner is really like. You just can't.

Havingarethink · 23/07/2019 16:00

@JacquesHammer, I said that way back on page 2, that you can only know what you, yourself are capable of. So what is it then, extreme confidence, arrogance, stubborn pig headedness, denial?

RedSheep73 · 23/07/2019 16:00

I don't know anyone who is cheating...or maybe I just don't notice?

Catalicious · 23/07/2019 16:01

I think the stats are something like 70% of all marriages will have experienced cheating.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 16:01

I said that way back on page 2, that you can only know what you, yourself are capable of. So what is it then, extreme confidence, arrogance, stubborn pig headedness, denial?

No idea. I’ve quite clearly said that you cannot possibly know what another person will do.

MaryShelley1818 · 23/07/2019 16:05

There are a lot of very naive people on this thread. Surely anyone with a shred of intelligence would understand it’s not possible to say “I know for a fact he won’t cheat” You don’t, it’s impossible unless you have a crystal ball and future-seeing powers. You may trust someone, and believe he won’t but you can’t KNOW, and never will be able to.

As for the smug “wouldn’t happen in my circles” people. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors or what the future holds.

I had a nice, normal upbringing. I don’t know any friends who’ve cheated and my parents have been married 50yrs. I’m a nice person, have a professional job, and have no desire to get ‘my claws’ into someone else's partner but I had an affair. I’m deeply sorry and ashamed of the pain I caused my ex-DH and even now 3yrs later can’t talk about it without crying.
My now-DH and I had been together at school, we grew apart, got together with other people and I married (he was engaged) Neither of us were the “stereotypes” of cheaters often talked about on MN. My marriage had become purely plutonic but we were best friends, had a fantastic life and I honestly didn’t even realise I was unhappy. We took no pleasure in the affair and were heartbroken with the pain we caused. My now-DH broke up with his fiancée 2wks after we met up due to his feelings for me, I left my husband a month later. Now-DH had never ever cheated before in his life and can count on one hand the number of intimate partners he’s had. We just fell absolutely head over heels in love again. 3yrs later we are married with a gorgeous 18mth old DS (no other children involved) and are so very happy. Me and my ex-husband have remained very close friends and regularly speak and meet up for lunch. And we’ve all been out together several times with ex-DH and his new girlfriend who is so lovely.
I can’t justify what I did, it was wrong, I’ll regret the pain I caused people forever. But luckily everyone is happy and it’s all turned out well.
Not everyone cheats because they’re devoid of morals, looking for kinks, or trying to get a thrill by stealing someone else’s partner. Some people are just human and make mistakes.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 16:06

I don't keep trim, he does. I'm not fat though.
We both have enough esteem and confidence to know we are happy with each other and don't want anything more atm, if the time comes when either of us do, we'll communicate like two grown ups Grin
As we are away this weekend who knows, we may be overcome by the need for extra marital sex.
When you have both had more opportunities than you'd remember it isn't smug to trust each other and feel great about yourself every time your partner refuses it, even when handed on a plate.
Maybe we are just lucky, but nothing to be smug about, surely it's finding the right one.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/07/2019 16:07

Grin. Bless.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 16:09

When you have both had more opportunities than you'd remember it isn't smug to trust each other and feel great about yourself every time your partner refuses it, even when handed on a plate

Oh you are so naiveGrin

Alsohuman · 23/07/2019 16:09

Indeed.

NoCauseRebel · 23/07/2019 17:09

I think there is a lot of bitterness and projection on this thread. Calling people smug and naive because they don’t think their partners would cheat? Maybe it’s possible but if you don’t start out a relationship with trust then what do you have? We have to take relationships one day at a time sometimes, and it very rarely follows that the relationship is where it was ten years on, even if it is still a happy one.

And as much as people say that anyone could be cheated on, it is also the case that everyone is capable of cheating, even those who say they never would. That doesn’t mean that everyone will cheat, just that everyone is capable.

Life is very rarely black and white, but we have to take it as it comes.

Of all the women I know who have been cheated on, the vast, vast majority of women I know who have been cheated on have then gone on to have affairs with married men. Those same women who know what it feels like are often perfectly prepared to become the OW after the event.

At the end of the day we are all human beings and we are all fallible. And if it was really as simple as just splitting up then no-one would ever cheat, and given the majority of both men and women cheat on their partners, it clearly isn’t just about getting a cheap thrill, cheating is very often a catalyst for other things. It doesn’t make it right or justified but it does often go some way to explaining how it comes about.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 17:13

NoCauseRebel

It is totally naive though. How can you possibly guarantee the actions of another human? You can’t.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust. But you absolutely can never say “he won’t cheat”.

NoCauseRebel · 23/07/2019 17:19

But accusing people of being smug for not thinking their partner will cheat is just bitter and nasty. Because of some of those people, their partners will cheat, and others won’t. So it’s surely equally smug to name call someone who trusts their partner.

And it’s just as naive to think that you will never cheat when most women (and men) do.

JacquesHammer · 23/07/2019 17:21

And it’s just as naive to think that you will never cheat when most women (and men) do

No. That’s not naive because I control my actions. I have never, ever cheated and I will never cheat. It simply won’t happen. I choose not to.

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