To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

Would you send to private if you were paying it all

Wonder why mil didn’t offer towards without she alsonf esp if she pays towards her daughters kids

School fees should be a parental responsibility and expense.

@Disfordarkchocolate she is a star. Drives me absolutely up the wall at times but she's a wonderful mum and a lovely Granny, and some of the stuff I read on mumsnet makes me even more grateful for her than usual!

If MIL paying for school fees necessitates her seeing a detailed spreadsheet of your finances, I would send DS to state school. It is absolutely none of her business.

I can't believe she's even asking for this - it sounds incredibly inappropriate to me. If my DP and I were going to help out with DGC, we would offer according to what we could afford and felt good about and considering what the fees were. Their spending habits wouldn't be a factor.

Either you pay for your child in full or he goes to state school. She’ll hold the threat of fund withdrawal over your heads.m the entire time. You won’t be able to go on a decent holiday or buy a nice dress without her commenting. Fuck that.

It is surprising how many grandparents are paying I have shown a few around school, see them at xmas and speech day events.

I'm struggling to get past the fact you have a spreadsheet of your finances! However, I'm with the school of thought that no way would I share the details plus I wouldn't take help with the school fees, can of worms that

I wonder if it's possible that when MIL offered (or agreed) to pay for SILs first child to go to private school she never imagined she would have 4 children she was asked to do this for, and then you asking her also. Can MIL afford it? Perhaps she thinks that you can afford or more readily than her? Even though to be fair to her children she should do the same for both it's no good if she can't afford it. She is possibly dreading you having four children to get your equal share!

Pay for 100% of your child’s school fees and kept her out of your finances. Seriously you are adults. Don’t do this.

It seems to me that if you are prepared to hand over control to the extend of letting someone else pay for your child’s education, why would you mind that person seeing what your financial situation is? Can you really say “I will graciously accept this £200000 but there must be absolutely no strings attached- keep our of my life”?

That's the problem with not living within your own means, I wouldn't like it but I would t want them to fund my lifestyle either.

I'd send my child to state school and keep my finances private.

So your husband has asked for your Child, but they gave offered for the other grandchildren ? To be honest if that's the case, I doesn't sound like she too keen on the idea and as a PP has said, she will have know when school year starts, so surely would have offered.

I wouldn't like anybody going through our finances, but I am quite a private person on all fronts.

I think you should definitely rethink sending them to a private school if you can't afford it.

What?!? No, nah-ah absolutely not happening on my watch.

Absolutely no worries way. I would not even consider sending my children to private school unless I could afford to pay 100% of the fees myself, without it affecting my life style.

There are lots of great state schools out there, I wouldn’t be indebted to my mother in law for the sake of private school.

I pay school fees for my DGC. The school sends me the a/c at the beginning of the year and I pay it.

I don't know or care to know about DD's family finances. I know they are very careful with money, don't buy take away, make all meals from scratch. Don't buy designer clothes for DC.

I can afford to pay school fees for DC . They are all doing brilliantly at school and if it means they can afford one good holiday a year it makes it all worthwhile

Given she's opinionated and outspoken anyway I wouldn't want her money, it's a recipe for disaster.

I would either find another way of funding the schooling or change schools. Seriously.

Don’t.

How can your DH ever be independent if Mummy is organising his pocket money? It will put a huge strain on your marriage.

My DM wanted to subsidise my DCs schooling so that they could go to a top private school rather than the local one. We said no. Best decision ever. She would have been at every school event harassing the teachers and demanding to know why PFBGD hadn’t won a prize.

If you genuinely can’t afford fees then approach school for a bursary. Far less hassle than opening yourself up to this criticism. Payment of fees should be as a ‘no strings attached’ gift.

This is a terrible idea on so many levels. What if she decides she doesn't want to contribute in a few years? Will you be able to afford the fees on your own? Or will you have to take your kids out of their school? I know a couple whose parents "helped" with school fees, but the grandparents changed their minds a few years down the road for various reasons, and our friends had to get an interest only mortgage and despite having very well paid jobs they are broke and have virtually no pension and massive mortgage in their 50s. Don't do it!

@AngelsOnHigh you sound so kind.

I wouldn't be providing her with that information but if that is part of her terms, I guess it depends how much you want her money.

Hell would freeze over before I would allow anything along these lines - if you start down this road you are going to be beholden for life, always have strings attached, be expected to regularly express your undying gratitude, have every penny you earn, spend & save scrutinised, vetted, commented on and probably plenty of 'helpful' suggestions on how you could better earn, spend & save. If you cannot afford to pay for schooling, don't - simple. Do not make things forever complicated and risk all of your family and friends relationships going badly wrong. If allowed this woman will not only cast aspersions on you and your mum but will want control/domination of so many more areas of your life - bad move whichever way you look at it. No doubt she will take any credit for your child's achievements and blame you or someone else for anything she sees as a failing. Manipulation at its very best and potentially this will make for a lifetime of misery, put a strain on your marriage, alienate your child and force you to live under her dictatorship. I would strongly advise you nip this in the bud immediately and under no circumstances give her full access to your financial records or any other personal, private information - she will certainly use everything as a weapon against you in some way - don't go there for your own sanity, marriage and family - good luck - I think you are going to need it (and a strong assertive backbone for this one!)

So you can’t afford school fees and want to take her money so your child can go? And in return she wants an overview of you’re expenses. I think she’s justified. I think you’re being silly though- if you can’t afford it why on Earth are you sending your child to private school? Insanity.

Nope, absolutely not. This way madness lies. YANBU