To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

Help with no conditions

Money makes people act strangely. There’s a high risk of getting into a situation where you feel self conscious about what you’re spending money on, because MIL is contributing to your monthly expenses.

Even if she didn’t say things to make you feel like this, I think it is inevitable.

Fuck this.

“£28 on a 9” Rampant Rabbit? Shocking.”

Boundaries.

Sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster. What if mil threatens to stop paying half way through the school year if you have a disagreement over something or you don't do as she says. Does paying the school fees come with strings attached or not?

As a parent who has sent both DC's to private school, I think you'd be an idiot to accept third party 'maybe' type help to fund this from a family member. You're not thinking about the what ifs. What if MIL decides she needs a private funded operation one year and can't afford to pay? What if MIL needs to pay for residential care after a stroke or something? I would never ever want to be dependent on anyone else to fund this, and I'd suggest that you pay for it fully and she contributes to a Junior ISA for her D grandchild instead.

In all seriousness, unless she wishes to part pay the fees with no strings, don't send your dc to a few paying school you cannot afford. Put away money and potentially go private in the future when you don't need to rely on someone else, if you need help you probably can't afford it anyway. 93% of kids attend state school (it's even higher in primary) and they do just fine

PiL paid towards DC's school fees, they didn't want to know what our financial situation was, they knew we couldn't afford the fees on our own, and because they know us they knew we weren't wasting money on luxuries; so were happy to help.

Nope, if she wants to pay the fees then get the bills sent to her, that’s all she needs to know. If she only wants to lay part then she tells you how much she is prepared to pay and you see if you can do the rest. Your finances are none of her business

No from me too. Op, your dc is just starting school. That is a huge out going for years and years. If it was help just with the last one or two years then that would be ok (bar handing over the family books - insane idea) but this is his entire schooling! What a hold on you all she will have.

Can you go and see the local primary? If you like it do an application. You can apply all year round op...the places have been allocated for this Sept but there is nothing stopping you putting his name on the waiting list. You never know. There can be a lot of movement with school places over the summer.

My cousin has had her dc in the local primary school until the end if year 6 and now he will go private for secondary. You could do that...giving you time to get savings in place. Lots of options! Serious talk with dh needed.

Hazel would you give large sums to your dc for something specific but then watch them spend it on fast cars though?

If you give money for specifics I think it's fair to spend on specifics.

My cousin has wealthy in laws and they gave her dh 5 grand to spend on new bathroom, Mil felt their old bathroom was awful. Actually it was under 10 years old and fine, they are living pretty much hand to mouth but in laws couldn't understand so they paid off credit card bill and put some aside for saving and rest went to New boiler.

This seems more like your DH wanting his mum to be fair by contributing to school fees.

I’d send DC to local state school. Set up a savings fund for MIL to contribute towards his 11+ school fees, if your DH wants to know that she’s equally happy to contribute t your DC as well as his sisters DC.

Apply to schools now. You should be added to the waiting list wherever you fall in the criteria [eg you’d go higher up the list if you live closer than someone else if distance is one of the admission criteria).

Do not share your finances with MIL. I don’t even know why your DH thinks that was a good idea.

Anyway op, I think red is onto something, your dh and Mil sound like the 'team' leaving you out.

I agree maybe he is not comfortable with you lending money to your dm.

Anyway the situation is not worth thinking about at all. Do not do it

If it’s an early inheritance gift why does think she needs a spread sheet? I’m guessing MIL knows the amount she’s willing to give? You find out what that is and then calculate whether you can afford the remainder for the next however many years.

Don’t be pushed into private though, if that’s not what you want.

Crazy giving her that amount of power
And for a private school

This will make you very unhappy and possibly destroy your marriage. Only you can decide if private school for your child is worth that price.

I went to public school, paid for by a grandparent. That's it, the fees and incidentals were paid and my parents weren't ask to prove how much or little they could contribute because it was my grandparents wish that I go, and they weren't pushed either way.

If she's going to contribute, it should be a percentage. What you spend your cash on other than the percentage you pay is none of her business. If you let her into your finances, you'll regret it every single time she notices your new shoes, or asks if a holiday is really necessary, or mentions how much cheaper it is to color one's own hair.

She has no right at all to comment on anything to do with your mother, the fact she has is over the line - and so past the line that the line isn't visible any more.

Don't do it. Strings attached all over the place, so someone will wind up being a puppet and that someone is you.

The other thing is, will your dh go ahead and produce a spreadsheet even if you are against it?

Think about the LONG term financial commitment OP before you end up stuck in it. A lot of people think they can afford PS for a couple of years. However, fees rise as the kid progresses up the school to senior level. Also trips and other add ons have to be covered.
The comitment is long term and should be viewed as such from the outset. We've paid c£15k per annum x 7 years x £105k per child. If we couldn't have afforded both kids, we wouldn't have done just one child. So it's £210k for us. Bear in mind gross earnings need to be roughly double to find that cash, so c£400k.
Nobody wants to have to pull their kids out of any school if circumstances change so good to be pretty confident you can afford upfront. I wouldn't want to rely on others tbh.

I wonder how she decides how much to contribute to the other grandchildren's fees? Is she just trying to keep things fair in some ways? Perhaps she just wants to know roughly what your income and essential outgoings (mortgage/ rent) so she can decide how much she's happy to help out. If you asked her for help and this is the condition I think you either go with it or pay for it alone. I don't think this is necessarily that controlling, I don't think we have enough of the picture to say that. It might be that she just wants to help you make sure that this is all thought through, fair and that it won't end up in messing your child around (if he has to move school shortly after starting as you can't stump up the fees between you). I'd not give anyone a detailed financial account of mine other than my accountant (not that I have or need one!).

If someone asked to borrow money off me and I felt like they could afford it as they had good jobs etc then I would want a break down of their finances to know why they don't have the money spare. Could this be why op?
However, if her other GC are getting money then your DCs should also get exactly the same amount regardless of your financial situation, so could you not just say this to her

If it’s a choice between that and not being able to pay I would just do it. But if she will contribute regardless then I would just refuse.

Did your MIL express her views about your DM..or did she tell your DH?

If your DH passed on the info, then I see that as him causing trouble between you and MIL.

She either gives what she can to help, or leaves it. It's much too intrusive for her to see your full finances.

I can't help thinking that if she really wanted to pay, she wouldn't have had to be asked.

She knows when kids start school and if she had decided to do this for all her GC..it would have been discussed.

Your DH asked because he thinks he has a right to it...because she's doing it for the other 4 GC.

My parents decided they would contribute X amount towards me and siblings house purchases and would pay for all their DDs wedding receptions... none of us after the oldest had to ask, because it was their wish.

I wouldn't have asked, if they didn't offer.

GP paying school fees is a very common way to avoid inheritance tax and a huge number of private school fees are paid this way. I presume there's a trust fund set up?

It's slightly awkward because GP didn't offer and your DH asked. She might have said this to put you both off without saying no.

No way! His mum should trust him / you if you say you need or want help with the school fees, without 'evidence'.