To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

[MrsRobert]

I loved my private school and the state schools nearby were rubbish in the '90s so my parents felt they had no choice. My siblings and I hated the control my GPs had over my family until both died. The money was always held over all of us.

[Mothership4two]

Just a thought if you do decide to go down the private route, my ds school has an insurance (which you pay for) to cover you if you ever cannot pay - not sure what the criteria is. Might be worth finding out if you have that option and if it would cover gp non-payment/death*?

*sorry to be morbid

As already said, independent schools are normal schools

[LovelyIssues]

Send him to a normal school if you can't afford the fees

[DeniseRoyal]

If you can't afford a private school, your DS shouldn't be going. There are some excellent state schools.

[Kithulu]

I am more concerned with the thought that OP s child may be (not confirmed when child is due to start school) starting school in September and has no place anywhere! I work in a reception class. We have had multiple settling in sessions when new pupils come and meet their new teachers and get used to the new environment. Teachers have gone to pre schools to meet with the staff there to discuss each child. We spent a very long (unpaid) evening trying to sort out who was going in which class (3 form entry)
Before children start the school office needs lots of paperwork completed.
You can't just rock up with your child on September 3rd and expect a place??!!
......I am hoping op means September 2020 as starting school date.

[Maz54]

Just a word of warning, this has just happened to a friend. Her Mother was paying school fees for both her children and has now suddenly died, I imagine the estate will take some sorting out so what they will do in the meanwhile one can only guess. Besides this both her and her husband were working for Mother's small company and are reliant on this for their income, what a mess. I had a controlling MiL who controlled both my husband's brothers and their families but we never fell for her tricks to control, beware.

[bmbonanza]

No. She chooses what to pay, you arent a charity case she is choosing to support her grandson/daughter in this way.

[obligations]

If your MIL is already paying for other family children to go to private school, then I can see why her paying has arisen. When is your dc due to start? I think she either gives willingly or not at all, although in some families gps can have quite a big stake in how their grandchildren perform in school etc so maybe she wants bragging rights? Who knows, only you can judge whether she will be a nightmare or not. Your dh sounds a little silly in his proposal to prepare a spreadsheet, but some families know an awful lot about one another and maybe this is one of them.
All told, I think send your dcs to a state school if it's an option or ask your DH how exactly he thinks his dm will respond if you ask for a no strings attached scenario - doesn't sound likely to happen

[BabyofMine]

God even Emily Gilmore only asked for dinner once a week and an update on how Rory was doing at school. I don’t remember Lorelei sending spreadsheets over, this is next level.

[AwakeNow]

No way, not her concern. Either it is a gift of recieving some early inheritance, or it isn't. I would not like her dictating and opinions on my finances or my mother, one bit.

[AgentJohnson]

If you were to get a loan from a bank, you’d have to pay interest, the bank of MIL has a different pay structure.

It sounds like that you and your H expected the bank of MIL to pay out and that’s why you were able to choose to lend your mother money. Personally, it doesn’t sound like your family finances are enough to sustain private school fees and you both need to acknowledge that.

[Weezol]

It’s an outrageous request. How did MiL find out about the loan to your mum? Sounds like your husband’s already over sharing.

I know you've said that there will be no spreadsheet, but DH seems to be a problem - how else does MIL know about your mum's situation?

[AngelsOnHigh]

Thanks Fluffy. Can't understand how many people attach strings and conditions to what should just be a thoughtful gesture.

[SherbrookeFosterer]

In all brutal frankness, if you are going to struggle to pay the school fees, keep well clear of independent schools and go for a decent state school instead.

Because the school fee is when you start shelling out on your child's education. You need to add on between 15-20% on top for the uniform, equipment, trips away, special clothing for various activities, it just never stops.

[Swellerellamoo]

Have you lost your marbles op??

[Trebla]

She either contributes with good grace out of love and trust or stays out of it.

I would never ask my kids to scrutinise their finances - it's just completely inappropriate. She either wants to contribute towards her grandchild's education or she doesn't - no contingent variables, end of.

So no, I would not open up my finances to her scrutiny. This isn't subsidising you, it's supporting your child. The two are mutually exclusive.

Be prepared to turn down her money if the catch is that she has oversight and license to comment on and dictate your spending behaviour.

[Happymum12345]

No. Don’t do it. Your DS will not thank you for it in the future. It’s absolutely not worth the trouble it will cause. I speak from experience.

[Figamol]

Well this is how things started for us and let me tell you they ended up infiltrating and controlling every aspect of our lives and we were supposed to be 'grateful' for it. It nearly ruined our marriage and damn well did destroy our relationship with my parents. They still want to help so the school bill now goes directly to them and we have no further discussions about it.

[Chocolatelover45]

MiL seems to be getting an unfair rap here.
Firstly it's an unbelievable cheek to ask someone to give you several thousand pounds per year.
Secondly you seem to have enrolled your child in a fee paying school without considering how you are going to pay for it until 6 weeks before he starts, having not made any alternative plan for a decent state alternative.
Thirdly you seem to be suggesting that you would be able to afford it if you hadn't lent money to your own mum, whose spending also seems out of hand.
If MiL thinks you are bad with money (or at least your DH is, as he's the one who's insisting on expensive schools and begging his mum for money), it's fair enough that she has some reservations.
I wouldn't hand over the financial details either - but I would not have got into this position to start with.

[Alsohuman]

It’s an outrageous request. How did MiL find out about the loan to your mum? Sounds like your husband’s already over sharing.

[Reallyevilmuffin]

I think YABU. If those are the conditions - fine. If you don't agree to the conditions then don't expect her to give you money. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest showing PIL finances, especially if I was going to potentially receive a generous gift

[EllenMP]

My parents put aside school fee money for my kids, and have never asked questions about our finances.

[NarcissistMum]

If your child has the motivation to learn and wants to learn they will do it in any school. I went to a bog standard primary school that had kids from every background, but none were very wealthy. Private and council housing, professional and non professional parents, families and single parents. In my class of 30 kids, 35 years later, I know of two doctors, one divisional head of police, two midwives, a nurse, and at least three with their own businesses. They all went to state senior schools, just one of the doctors to a Grammar. You can go far if you have belief in yourself. Similarly, I know of children who have been totally privately educated who didn’t get super grades and now work for minimum wage doing non skilled jobs.

[CaMePlaitPas]

Not a snowflake's chance in hell OP.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If you think your child(ren) would be happier in a non- fee paying school, why can't you use the funds your MiL would be paying towards fees and put them into a savings account for your child(ren) to use for college/university fees?

Hope that post makes sense