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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

295 replies

Lostwords · 22/07/2019 13:34

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

OP posts:

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/07/2019 17:52

My mum paid my daughters fees - she was on an 80% bursary so the remainder was 2.5k per term.
I wouldn’t dream
Of showing her our finances and she would never ask!
Just tell her what the fees are, how much the shortfall is and she’ll either pay it or she won’t. Helping family does not mean that you are controlling them.
Have to asked the school about a partial bursary?
They don’t always advertise that assistance is available.
It’s often easier once you’re in, however, the school will need to see your finances as obviously they need to go through everything to make sure that you are genuine.
Don’t show her all your finances, she should trust you if you say you need help.
She either pays it or doesn’t - can you imagine having your mother in law tut tutting over your new sandals or weekly coffees? Sod that!

icannotremember · 23/07/2019 17:53

I would divorce before I would agree to this. Then again, I would never ask someone to pay school fees for a child of mine (not least because I would never seek to send a child of mine to a private school).

Send him to a state school, although if it's entry to reception this September you're talking about the applications were closed and places offered ages ago so you'll be making a late application and taking what's available rather than what you prefer.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 23/07/2019 17:53

If you can’t easily afford private school, then don’t send your dc there. It’s not just the fees but also the uniform,, activities, school trips... all about keeping up with the Joneses.

NCforthis2019 · 23/07/2019 17:54

Sorry - just seen it’s your husband pushing for this. He’s being stupid. You clearly can’t afford it - why is he putting your personal family finances under his mothers nose?! I would never ever accept money for school from anyone - you’re child, surely you're responsible!

Luzina · 23/07/2019 17:55

Personally i would pay the fees myself or find a non fee paying school.

MarthasGinYard · 23/07/2019 17:57

Pay the fees yourself

If you can't afford this don't go private

I've seen all kinds over the years where GP's are involved in this.

AdoreTheBeach · 23/07/2019 17:57

I will tell you from experience, it’s not just the finances but she’ll also want to have a say in how you bring up your DC, when she will want to see DC, your DH etc. Could very much be used as a form of control.

Your finances otherwise, how you raise your children etc should be you and your DH business and decision making, not MIL. Don’t allow her this form of control. Either it’s a gift to your DC for their education with no strings attached or don’t do it.

bevelino · 23/07/2019 18:01

OP as others have pointed out you would be mad to do this. Your mil will use the information against you for the rest of your lives.

nuxe1984 · 23/07/2019 18:01

The bottom line here is that you can't afford to send your DS to private school!

Shadow1234 · 23/07/2019 18:07

And if you ever fell out with your MIL, you can be almost guaranteed this would be thrown back in your face. Perhaps you can show your DH this thread and let him know how ridiculous his (or his mothers) idea sounds.

loveskaka · 23/07/2019 18:09

🤔, why? Lol

Ninabean17 · 23/07/2019 18:14

If you can't afford to pay it all, you can't afford it. There's no shame in sending ds to a state school. You need to think responsibly, think about the future--what if you had a massive falling out with mil? She could stop the cash flow. Don't do it.

ivykaty44 · 23/07/2019 18:17

For those of you saying “if you can’t afford private”

Are you prepared not to get a place at secondary for your own children ? As it would empty private schools by 60%+ it’s very common practice for relatives other than parents to pay fees

Though not want spreadsheets

StillMe1 · 23/07/2019 18:25

There are tax allowances which could be used towards school fees which involved relatives.
As a PP said there is more to going to a fee paying school than just paying the Fees

Gamble66 · 23/07/2019 18:30

State school and use what you would have paid for fees for extracurricular activities - family holidays and anything else that makes you and your child happy. Struggling and not fitting in the expensive life styles of the other pupils does not make for a happy childhood - believe me - I was the skint child at boarding school

nettie434 · 23/07/2019 18:32

I just might understand you sacrificing your autonomy if your child was being bullied at a state school or finding it hard to keep up with certain subjects but you say he is just about to start school.

It sounds a terrible idea. Do you think your husband is criticising the way you run your finances? If your MIL is trying to avoid inheritance tax, then it is irrelevant whether you could afford to pay the school fees or not. I would only submit a spreadsheet to somebody else if I had specifically asked for help budgeting and knew their comments would be constructive, not critical.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2019 18:35

I wouldn't have a problem with parents or iLs paying part (or all) of school fees with no strings, but wouldn't send my child to a public school if I couldn't afford it on my own if I had to start paying full tuition.

Life happens. What are you going to do if/when MiL can no longer afford this or choses to stop paying or reduce the amount she pays?

And hell would freeze over before I sat down and explained my finances to either set of parents. Did MiL demand this from SiL?

Catsandchardonnay · 23/07/2019 18:36

No way! Are you mad? You’ll regret this arrangement for a very long time. You’ll be on here repeatedly saying that MIL is nosying into your business and controlling your spending and judging your mum. It will be horrific. No school is worth it.

Mothership4two · 23/07/2019 18:39

My parents are paying a third of ds fees to go to a very good secondary school. They offered to help as they realised it would be a bit tight for us and told us to let him try out for the entrance exam. They view it as a bit of inheritance coming early. They have not nor would ever ask to see our finances. I am not sure where your dh is coming from - it's your personal info, not really any of her business and a separate issue to her helping you out. Although, I can understand her looking askew when she is planning to help you and you have helped your mum, but again that's not really her business.

Make sure you have a clear understanding beforehand of what is expected even an informal contract. You need to get her agreement on how long she is prepared to pay - so you don't get left in the lurch if she decides to stop and then you may possibly have to move your child out of their school - and what she is going to pay. If she is paying a percentage, is she/are you aware that fees go up (annually usually) and will/can she pay a bit more to cover? There are also loads of extras on top, such as school bus and lunches, as well as school trips and uniforms.

If she is controlling, you will need to have a long hard think whether you want her actions being used against you in the future.

Good luck!

Inthesummertime · 23/07/2019 18:45

Well she either wants to help or she doesn’t. You must really want your child privately educated if you’d even entertain this idea. Personally I’d just get my child into the best state school and not have my mil in my business.

LisaD76 · 23/07/2019 18:45

My oh went to private school unlike his older 2 siblings, strangely they are both financially better off and have a much more rounded education.... so is private school worth it in the end?

Gbtch · 23/07/2019 18:49

mIL sounds controlling if given a chance. DH a willing subject for control . Don’t let her! Use state school.

Yorkiebar71 · 23/07/2019 18:56

Mmm

IAmTheMumWhoKnocks · 23/07/2019 18:58

Place marking

saraclara · 23/07/2019 19:07

No way in a million years would I give up my privacy like that. The thought makes me shudder. I'd FAR rather my kid went to a state school, and that my financial decisions remained my own, and private.

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