To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

[fib88]

As a parent of a child who went to state school and private I’d say unless you live in a particularly bad catchment/school I’d stick with state education because when they get to university level they are now being severely handicapped and discriminated against at admissions. This is 100% true especially st the top universities like Oxford & Cambridge. Hence, don’t let your MIL have you over a barrel for very little gain

[manicmij]

Why has MIL offered to pay half in the first place? Did you tell her you would be struggling or has she just offered out of the blue. If the first then of course being the type you say she is she will want to know where your money goes. If the latter then no way is she "entitled" to check on what you spend. Is this a one off helping hand until you get the money back from your DM? If so why not just get a loan to cover the shortfall. Or, consider state school.

[Notsureabouthis]

Eh no way- that way madness lies!

It’s either a gift with no strings or you don’t accept it.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

@lostwords. Are you coming back ?

[callmeadoctor]

Don't think OP is coming back.

[Tistheseason17]

He'll, No!!
Gift, no strings.
What are you going to do, OP?
FWIW - IMHO I'd only go private at secondary school if at all

[Ilfie]

Have put only daughter through private schooling from 3-18 as both husband and I were working full times/older first time parents. I’m sure it must be great if a grandparent is nice and happy to help with the fees as it’s pretty stressful stuff! On the other hand I think it’s none of her business what your finances are- if she’s happy to helping that’s lovely- she doesn’t need to monitor your finances!

[Graphista]

Hell no! Crazy road to go down! Your finances are absolutely none of her business EVER!

If she wants to gift you money towards school fees then as long as it's spent on school fees and I'm guessing she could even pay the school direct? Then anything else is nothing to do with her!

Frankly the scenario you present I would say you should forego the private school idea altogether.

Recipe for disaster!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

cannotremember

I would divorce before I would agree to this. Then again, I would never ask someone to pay school fees for a child of mine (not least because I would never seek to send a child of mine to a private school)

Send him to a state school, although if it's entry to reception this September you're talking about the applications were closed and places offered ages ago so you'll be making a late application and taking what's available rather than what you prefer

Well that’s an I’ll-informed judge comment. It depends where op lives and what the state choices are. I have 3 in the private system, all in partial or full bursary’s and with grandma helping - because she lives them and wants to.
Our state schools around here are all failing. You don’t know ops circumstances nor the state of her local schools.

[user1480880826]

I’m confused. She’s offered to help with school fees. Why does that mean she needs details of your finances? Surely you either need to tell her how much help you need or she needs to tell you how much help she’s prepared to give. No further information needs to be shared.

Your husband sounds like a total pushover.

[Teacher22]

Two parts to this.

Firstly, the independent education part. Go for it. We sent our two to prep schools and it was the best thing we ever did. Then we went for state grammars which also worked well.

Secondly, the MIL paying. Can you not set out the parameters before you accept the offer? As a voluntary and kind contribution to her grandchildren’s education you can be grateful and appreciative but it does not give her a right to know your private business. Make this clear before you accept the money.

Otherwise, can you not pay the fees yourselves? We ate beans on toast for ten years. No far flung holidays, no fancy cars or expensive social life. Going into the red at the end of every month. Totally worth it.

[GabsAlot]

Nothing to do with her if it was offered as part of an inheritance-shes just being nosy and why is your dh encouraging it

[Jamiefraserskilt]

She has already started controlling you when she talked about your PRIVATE arrangement with your mother. You really want her controlling your life from this point onwards; where and how many times you go away together, what you buy, how you dress etc. Nope.
School fee contribution should be about her desire to give her gc a head start not about you justifying every last penny you spend on a fecking budget sheet. Nope.
There are some cracking state schools about with no strings attached. Look for one.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Don’t do it

[MarthasGinYard]

'She contributes to her other 4 grandchildren’s (husband’s sister’s kids’ fees). So husband asked her.'

Really, so it wasn't just offered? Your DH asked her.

Your DH feels entitled to the money as she contributes to 4 other lots of fees.

How many dc do you have? Will she be expected to chip in for a 6th commitment.

I'd not want part of this TBH I would lose all respect for DH if he asked for money for our DC school fees.

Luckily we are easily able to afford ours. I wouldn't want to feel beholdent to anyone.

[FelicisNox]

I agree with @EllaEllaE and @RedToothBrush.

Don't do it.

If your MIL was kind and offering out of the generosity of her heart, great but she's not.

She mean, critical, nosey and controlling and your DH sounds just as bad frankly.

She either helps because she wants to with no insider knowledge of your finances or not at all.

In the nicest possible way: grow a pair and say thanks for the offer but no thanks.... this control freakery won't end with your child's education, mark my words.

[CallmeBadJanet]

If MIL is going to control your life via your finances, this could seriously impact on your relationship with your husband and your sanity. Accept it. Or, if you really want your son to do well, send him to state school, and Scouts.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

smeakypinky

No fucking way.

Why can't he go to normal school?

Independent schools are perfectly normal.

[winniestone37]

I always say if you are helping someone out financially with their lives you are not buying a piece of them, you are not buying rights to their lives. If that's what she wants then she shouldn't do it and you definitely shouldn't let her. Your loan to your mother is none of her business, as I said she isn't buying rights. Stand your ground and ignore her comments.

[Lostwords]

Thanks all.

I think this topic is bringing up strong feelings re. private/state education, which is fine, but not what I was asking about.

Decided together with DH she won’t have access to detailed info of our finances. We’re still unsure what the exact path is going to look like re. where DS goes and who pays. However I’m relieved to have been able to decide on boundaries with MiL whatever we decide, so thanks for your help with that.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

If you think your child(ren) would be happier in a non- fee paying school, why can't you use the funds your MiL would be paying towards fees and put them into a savings account for your child(ren) to use for college/university fees?

Hope that post makes sense

[CaMePlaitPas]

Not a snowflake's chance in hell OP.

[NarcissistMum]

If your child has the motivation to learn and wants to learn they will do it in any school. I went to a bog standard primary school that had kids from every background, but none were very wealthy. Private and council housing, professional and non professional parents, families and single parents. In my class of 30 kids, 35 years later, I know of two doctors, one divisional head of police, two midwives, a nurse, and at least three with their own businesses. They all went to state senior schools, just one of the doctors to a Grammar. You can go far if you have belief in yourself. Similarly, I know of children who have been totally privately educated who didn’t get super grades and now work for minimum wage doing non skilled jobs.

[EllenMP]

My parents put aside school fee money for my kids, and have never asked questions about our finances.

[Reallyevilmuffin]

I think YABU. If those are the conditions - fine. If you don't agree to the conditions then don't expect her to give you money. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest showing PIL finances, especially if I was going to potentially receive a generous gift