To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

If she's going to waste invest money in school fees, she's right to protect that investment by making sure you're not taking advantage.

Of course, you'd be bat shit to accept it, just send them to state school and save the money.

Did you ask or was it offered?

Would you get to see her financial info so you can be sure that she can afford it for the next how many years?

I can see both sides.

I would be annoyed if I was financially helping out my adult child, to find out they were missing money up the wall or lending it to people with no clear date of getting it back.

But I can see why you want privacy as well.

Personally, I think it would be best if you just didnt accept her offer.

Nope.

My GPs paid the part of my fees that weren’t covered by my bursary, they are my mothers ExILs. They knew full well she couldn’t cover them (single mother of 3). They also paid my bus fare, dinners, and extra curriculars and uniform.

Yer no way I'd be giving any info. If she wants to contribute to her grandchild going to an expensive school then that's is her decision but has no right to any info.

Practically how is this going to work long term? Is your son going to owe her because of this? If he want to do a job/uni course thats not to her liking is she going to have a say? Sound like a controlling person that's is going to want things her way.

Nope. It’ll end in tears. Your MIL will soon be telling you to cut back on gin and manicures. This is no way to live.

Also, what about if circumstances change in the future?
Would you be able to pay the full fees if she suddenly wasn't able to?
Or if you had more children, would she be helping to send them too too?' Or would they be in the local one down the road whilst their sibling was at the private school?

Far too much scope to go wrong, utter recipe for disaster!

Do not take money from someone who will use the money as leverage or for control.

I went to a private school and it was great, I suppose my life would have been very different otherwise.

I would not do this.

As a PP said, once you get started she’s got you over a barrel.

She either pays some of it or she doesn’t, that’s her choice. But your financial details are none of her business.

Did she offer of her own accord, did you ask her, did you drop subtle hints i.e talk about how you were struggling in front if her.

If she’s requesting this from your son she’s very controlling and is obviously using her money to have some kind of power over you.

“Thanks but no thanks, mil”

State school.

If you do this every takeaway and holiday will be a point of contention. It's an terrible idea.

My MIL has helped us save uni fees for our two DC. Her contributions go into separate accounts and she has access to see what's happening with those, but nothing else.

Did you ask her to help out, or did she offer to... I think that makes bit of a difference?

I have no idea why anyone would consider this. I know this sounds harsh @Lostwords why would you allow this amount of interference in your marriage. If your husband thinks it's fine you already have a problem as your MIL and husband have boundary issues and you're talking about allowing your MIL to scrutinise every aspect of your marriage.

You can't afford private school fees for your child. Try looking for alternative provision i.e. a local state school

No,see this ad a warning not to let her pay; send your child to state school. If you can't any afford it, you can't afford it. Every time you buy something she will feel it her place to pass judgement and may even withdraw the payments.

Your husband is bonkers to even suggest she be allowed such power.

Is this a wind up?

Also, if you really want that school, ask them about bursaries. You’d still have to submit info about your finances, but at least not to her!

This is exactly why you shouldn't do anything you can't afford, and why you should never rely on family financially.

Send your son to state school if you can't afford the fees.

”My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business.”

Where has he got this ‘idea’ from? Are you sure MIL hasn’t asked for it and he feels he has to comply?

”We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum.”

How does MIL actually know this?

If she’s going to be nosy and insist on full financial disclosure and express disapproval of any spending decision she doesn’t like, then clearly accepting help with fees isn’t at all a good idea. Either pay for the school yourself, or don’t send your child there.

No way. Recipe for disaster. And years of interference and seething resentment.

Also if it’s before secondary, don’t bother and save the money for then.

I would sooner send ds to state school than have MIL all up in my business!