To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

No this sounds awful. Send him to state school and save yourself years of hassle.

Surely all she has to see is the info from the school detailing the fees? That will assure her that you are not fibbing and she can decided how much to give. Why should she see how much you spend on gin or clothes or nails or books or whatever? Outrageous!

You would rue the day you ever did this. It opens the way for her to control your life.

Put your son's name down for state school and say thanks but no thanks. Your DH is being ridiculous to even suggest it.

I think this is a bad idea with or without the spreadsheet tbh. She sounds controlling rather than generous. Speaking from experience, I think you would be handing over not just an intimate familiarity with your family finances but also decision-making power over your DCs' education for years to come, which will knock on to decisions about all sorts of other things, like where you live or whether to educate girls and boys the same or whether you really need a new car or a foreign holiday. It might become hard to keep your DC at that school even if you desperately want to. It might become hard to move them elsewhere even if you desperately want to. And you can expect lots more criticism of your family. Just because SIL and BIL have accepted this trade-off, doesn't mean it's right for you - or even that they're happy with it now the pact's been signed in blood. I'd look at what you can afford again, and if that's state schools, well, fine.

Personally I keep family members well out of financial issues. Adults are responsible for their own financial arranges. You have blurred the boundaries already and it sounds like it’s going to get even more complicated. Once you all start sharing responsibilities for financial planning (your mum and you and now your mil and you) it gets uncomfortable. You can’t afford private school fees so why are you bringing your mil into your affairs by getting her to pay for it? Just live within your means.

OMG, can you imagine, she'll be there at every event, even if only 2 tickets allowed, she'd push you out to go with dh as she's paying.
Will she want reports, to attend parents evenings.
Your dh should really be on the same page with this, you have a right as mum to decide where your child schools, perhaps remind them both of this.

You clearly cannot afford private school so send him to state.

Just no.

However at this point in the year your options are extremely limited state school wise.

You will have no chance of getting your child into a popular school for September. Admissions lists have been set and although there is a little bit of movement at the start of the year you would need to be number 1 or 2 on the waiting list which is so unlikely I wouldn't even try. The only way is if you moved house next door to the school which is probably no cheaper than a year's school fees anyway once it's all said and done.

Your only option at this stage I think is to accept what you might consider a sub-par school, which if you intended to go private I don't think it's going to happen is it.

To be honest I think you've got no option now except to make the private school thing work somehow. Why on earth you didn't apply for state school as well I have no idea. But it's done now so good luck with reining your MIL in.

Why on earth would you even do this? Totally mind boggling

Please don't do this. If your MIL wants to make a contribution towards school fees to be helpful then she should just do this. Submitting an "application" of why she should is sheer madness and will be a massive source of control and discord.

This doesn't sound like she's attached a string to this 'gift', more like a noose.

That is bizarre

Send him to state school if this is the set up

If MIL wants to treat all her grandchildren equally, ask her to put what she would have paid each year into a savings account for your DC that they can use to fund university/house deposit etc - will be SO much more valuable to them in the long term.

Yes to this great idea from a PP.

Agree with all the others saying no no no no no and no again to the spreadsheet/money with strings attached. You're now stuck with looking for schools in September, but please don't make things any worse by accepting money when you will be manipulated by it.

No, no and no again. If school fees come with this condition attached then they are being used as a control mechanism by her.

If she wants to help, great, but no-one else has any say over your finances.

If you’re going to have to lay your finances out like that you may actually find you can get a bursary from the school. I’d much rather have a school finance person ascertain my viability than a MIL any day. They all offer part bursaries for fees if you genuinely can’t afford full fees

Or go state

Hell, no. Would you have MiL in the same room as you during sex? That's the level of financial intimacy being proposed here.

It's unclear whether she has asked to see a breakdown of your outgoings or if DH has just proposed it off his own back. Either way, you have a DH problem.

Look at a state school for primary and save your cash for secondary. I personally like the idea of keeping it back for uni/house: that's been our decision!

Their family concept is that it will all come out of their inheritance, so it’s seen as divvying up early inheritance
Who's inheritance - the adult dc? In which case it becomes part of the marital pot?
Or dc? In which case they should get a choice?
How much exactly is the inheritance?

She's using money as leverage to interfere -and thereby control - your lives.
She could just easily hand X amount over to you once a year or whatever - she doesn't need to know anything about your finances.
Especially when she's not open about the above.
Whether the inheritance is for your DH or DC - it's you and DH who should be managing it - not your mil.

I'd be careful if i were you.
If she knows the ins and outs of your finances, savings, spending habits etc, she can meddle like fuck in your marriage - and fuck you over if you split.

My parents and in laws have contributed to school fees. They contribute what they can but the rest of our affairs is nothing to do with them and none of their business. We have been given lump sums in advance so we know how much we needed to commit to.

It is great she wants to help. Welcome and appreciate that. But that is where her interest in your finances should end.

Dear dh, no fucking way. I will withdraw our child and homeschool them until there is a place at a local school as well as set up separate bank accounts and stop sharing any financial information with you if you show your mother anything about our finances. She may see the school fees amount, that is it. She may not have a say in our child’s choice of sports or music or subjects. Your poor sister if she’s provided this info for years, you are an adult and if your mother wishes to contribute to our child as she has for all of her other grandchildren she may, but she doesn’t own any of us and my financial information is mine.

Your Mum sounds lovely @BloodyMaud

No bloody way would I want someone who isn’t me or my partner or a professional getting so much as a sniff of my financial situation! This is exactly the type of thing my ex FIL would have proposed in order to stick his oar in and hold over others because he’s a control freak and a massive bellend. Honestly I’d just send mine to state school in your situation.

Nope.
Run far away from this mental proposition.

She either choses to help you and trusts you to manage your own finances (including loaning money to your mother which you will get back), or she should n't lend you the money. She certainly should n't see your financial details. I wouldn't even provide a summary. Ok, so if you accept help from her then start booking expensive foreign holidays, or let your mum off the money she owes you, then she has the right to question you or halt payments. But until then, your finances really are none of your business! It will cause nothing but problems if she sees them. She will start to resent every time you treat yourself to a coffee or meal out. You will get fed up with an expectation that you should conduct your life as paupers in order to qualify for support. It's a really bad idea.

There are lots of other issues here - who pays for what, being one. The expensive school trip? The extra uniform? The music lessons?
State primary schools are usually fantastic. You could sell the idea of reconsidering private from the age of 11 or 13 to your DH and start saving up? If he really won't countenance state schooling that might be a compromise.

My kids will both go to private school which will be funded by my inheritance/ early inheritance from my parents - I am very lucky & I really value private education.

However, you have not said that MIL demanded that she see your finances - DH has made an assumption?

I would tell DH that you don’t want MIL to have access to your financial information & for him to ask her if she is willing to contribute to your kids’ education like she has for her other gcs.

If her answer is yes but with strings attached that you don’t agree with then politely decline & make decisions about your kids’ education in line with what you can afford / want to prioritise.