To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

[Greeve]

Seems like you can't afford private school. You can't stand aroud with your hand open but want to pretend to be independent. Living beyond one's means seems to be a family trait.

[cstaff]

This is just asking for trouble where it doesn't exist YET and if it does, well then at this stage, not a chance.

[Jellybeansincognito]

No way, but unless I had sufficient finances I wouldn’t choose a private school. You’re essentially allowing your child to become the runt of the litter. The financial divide will be extremely obvious.

[timemanagement]

What do your outgoings have to do with your MIL?!

[PianoTuner567]

Why does she even need to know your finances? You tell her how much the fees are, she decided how much she can contribute and you work out if you can afford any resulting difference. Anything more complicated than that, and I’d be turning down her offer.

[Yogurtcoveredricecake]

No no no.

[Lostwords]

Thanks for replies. She contributes to her other 4 grandchildren’s (husband’s sister’s kids’ fees). So husband asked her. Their family concept is that it will all come out of their inheritance, so it’s seen as divvying up early inheritance.

DS will be starting Reception. I’m feeling I might be happier in the end with him going to local state school (though would be a big battle with DH), but I’m surely incredibly late to apply, now? The one closest to us is popular. Another not v well rated, and I guess we’d get the latter now. So maybe too late?

[Ninkaninus]

Wtaf, no way.

[PleaseGoogleIt]

Ultimately, if you cannot personal afford private school then your child shouldn't be going. This is a recipe for disaster.

Our MIL has helped us out on occasion financially - she has never (nor would we provide) asked for our finances to be shown to her. We've always paid back when we've said.

[NaturalBornWoman]

I wouldn't accept now she's shown her hand by commenting on the situation with your mother. Even if she doesn't see a spreadsheet of exact details, she'll know when you buy things and go on holiday etc. and feel entitled to comment. When the fees go up she'll have a say in whether it's affordable to continue, so you won't be fully in control of those decisions. No way.

[Jellybeansincognito]

It’s not just private fees you have to worry about, what about the uniform costs, holidays, the designer fashion most of the kids will have. Why would you put your child into that situation where you can’t even pay the fees let alone the other stuff just so he’s as equal as everyone else.

[Hithere12]

Jellybeansincognito

Plenty of people who go to private school aren’t from wealth. They come from families who scrimp and save to put them there, make sacrifices etc.

[PianoTuner567]

None of your update explains why she needs to see a spreadsheet of your income/outgoings.

[PleaseGoogleIt]

Cross post with your update. I can understand it a little more now but she doesn't get to dictate the rules - she either helps or she doesn't.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Op you have until your child is 5 to sort it out.

[MotherOfSoupDragons]

If DS is starting reception this September, then yes, you're very late and will also lose any deposit you've paid the independent school. Might be a price worth paying if there are places in a good state school. Do DH's siblings lay all their finances open to their mother? Weird.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Hithere12 I know, it’s always incredibly obvious though. I’m not sure it’s the right thing in this situation

[Queenunikitty]

Don’t do it. After we were married and expecting our first child FIL asked to look over all our bank accounts. I told DH to tell him to F off. They support SIL financially and are very controlling over every aspect of her and her DC lives. I have always worked and had my own money with no parental contribution or scrutiny at all. If you can’t afford the fees without MIL’s contribution then the child can’t go. Unless you are happy with constant interference. At my DC school you can always tell which DGP pay the fees as they are always at plays, sports day etc. Etc.

[IamWaggingBrenda]

Absolutely not. Your finances are none of her business regardless of whether she helps out or not. Either she lends.gives it freely or she doesn’t — no strings attached. And yes, how does she know about your arrangement with your mum? It sounds perfectly fine to me, as your mum has a legit way and plan to pay you back, yet MIL is registering her disapproval? That will be the way of your future — your MIL will feel she has the right to interfere in all your financial decisions.

[flirtygirl]

Don't hand you mil this control, either pay for it yourself or wait for a good school place. Private primary is not worth it anyway.

Also children do not have to start in reception year. You could keep him in childcare setting until year 1.

You can then wait to get a place at a better state school, which may be some time in the reception year anyway, as families move away or change schools.

[FridayBaby]

Noooooo way!! Don't get involved in this OP. Stop it now whilst you still can.

Also- reception!!?!! He doesn't need to go to private school so young!!! At least wait until secondary! What a waste of money!

[hibbledibble]

It sounds like you need to either finance private school in an alternative way (eg a loan), or remove your child from private school.

Your MIL is entitled to put conditions on this gift of money, just as you are entitled to refuse it

[ohfourfoxache]

Holy fuckballs, send him to the state school - absolutely no fucking way in hell should you agree to ANY of this

[diddl]

So if she already pays for some, why wouldn't she either pay the same amount of same % as for the other GC?

Either way she only needs to know the cost of the fees.

What about in the future though if there are more GC or she can't won't pay?

Your husband sounds ridiculous.

[RedToothBrush]

My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business

And

We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum.”

Is this coming from your mil or your husband (using his mother as the excuse / means to do so) ?

I find it strange he is willing to actively involve his mother and thinks this is fine.

It sounds to me rather like it's an orchestraed move led by him, and enabled by his mother to have a go at your financial decisions and how you have previously involved your mother in your finances and continue to do so as she pays you back.

This is about trying to financially control you and to drive a wedge between you and your mother.

Get this idea out of your head that your husband is being passive in this and this is coming from your interfering MIL. It categorically is not. Your husband actively supports the idea and thinks his mother is more financially responsible than you.



You husband