To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

Don't do this for all the reasons mentioned plus that if you fall out over something you will have to change schools and your child will miss his/her friends.

Also what if your circumstances change? For example if you split up etc?

Who's insisting on giving her the breakdown? Your husband or her? Either she contributes or she doesn't. She doesn't need to see a breakdown of your finances, that is not her business. You'd be mad to overshare this information with her.

She contributes to her other 4 grandchildren’s (husband’s sister’s kids’ fees

And?

Does that mean you should automatically do the same?

There's an assumption there that your mil is in control of the children's schooling choices not you or your husband.

Why?

Do you like other people making decisions about your children by assuming you'll be delighted and grateful?

Is this what your SIL does - provides a detailed breakdown of her spending?

If it is, and those are the terms on offer from MIL, then it’s up to you if you want to accept her terms.

I wouldn’t.

I also think it’s a bit odd if it’s an early inheritance that she gets to scrutinise your finances. Surely if it is in lieu of inheritance then it is a gift and how else you spend your money is neither here nor there?

Why is this only coming up now if DS starts in September?

Nah, you don’t give her details of your outgoings.

She can help if she wants. But actually private school makes a difference in secondary, not primary.

And if it’s an advance on inheritance then your finances are none of her business.

I think I’d look at state school options and review the situation at the end of primary.

Do not let MIL see your finance spreadsheet! She has no need to, if she wants to contribute a certain percentage then that's fine, but i wouldn't want to be tied to that personally.

So for 12ish years you are going to hand over this spreadsheet ? Nah send your son to a state school if you can't afford private where is your husbands backbone that he thinks this is fine and dandy

If it's an "early inheritance" more like trying to get out of paying inheritance tax then why do your finances have anything at all to do with her? Will she be asking for bank statements before writing her will? If she's paying for 4 of his sister's kids why is she making a thing about paying for 1 child of yours? A gift isn't a gift if it comes with strings attached.

This is barmy. If she wants to see your finances then she’s most likely seen your sil’s. Poor form. Nothing to do with her but because your sil is her daughter, she’s likely to be more obliging. It’s a no from me and I’d send to state school. You need to contact your county councils Admissions dept ASAP as places were offered in April and term starts in 6 wks!

The fuck no!

WTAF ?

My parents pay DDs school fees. We don't have to do anything other than say thankyou. We certainly don't disclose our spending

This is utterly batshit and will end in tears.

No. MIL is NOT entitled to a detailed breakdown of your finances. It remains NONE of her business. I'd be seriously angry with my DH if he had ever provided such private information to his mother. Perhaps even to the point of reconsidering the marriage.

Decline the offer. Use a good local state school. Private schooling can be overrated anyway. There are good, bad and mediocre private schools just as there are state schools.

Do you really want her poking her nose into your private family business all the time? She has already started over the issue with your mother and it will be the tip of a very large iceberg.

Yes this doesn’t add up, redtoothbrush makes sense. It would be case closed when my MiL criticised us for helping my mum (or another close family member) out on a short term basis.

Not even 12 years is it? 14 more like!

My parents and ILs were both very generous with cash gifts when DH and I were were younger and we intend to pay that forward when our DC leave home (soon I hope!!). I would never, ever have accepted any gift that came with the expectation that they would have any knowledge of our finances and when we give DC gifts we won’t expect to be looking into their accounts either.

Just decline the money. A gift that compromises your privacy and financial independence isn’t worth having, not even for the possible benefits of a private education for your DC.

I'm easy going and would love to be able to make grand financial gestures towards my adult children, however I must admit, although I wouldn't say anything, I would be inwardly judgmental if money I gave them towards say a house deposit was spent on partying and fast cars.
I can understand the MIL's concern that you are asking for money but have afforded to lend your DM some money.
However those are her terms so you either suck it up or go without.
It would be interesting to know from the other family if they give MIL details of their finances?

Your boundaries must be off, like mine, op not to have said a firm no to the scrutiny and certainly not to have killed this idea when your mum got criticised into the bargain.

I wouldn’t do that’s, it’s so intrusive.
If you can’t afford all fees in your own send your son to a state school. What happens if you book and expensive holiday your MIL doesn’t approve off, will she stop paying the fees? It’s not worth it.

This would be a no. Tell her the amount for fees and then She can contribute what she wants based on that. If you can't afford the fees with out her contribution then send to state school it won't kill your kid and in fact they might get a better experience of life by mixing with a wider range of people.

DS will be starting Reception. I’m feeling I might be happier in the end with him going to local state school (though would be a big battle with DH), but I’m surely incredibly late to apply, now? The one closest to us is popular. Another not v well rated, and I guess we’d get the latter now. So maybe too late?

Yes, you are very late to apply and if it's very popular it's probably full with a waiting list.
But there is no harm in phoning them up to find out and applying to go on the waiting list. Entry in year one if a space comes up would be fine. Get the OFSTED report and show it to your DH, and go to the open day or arrange a visit so he's not terrified at the prospect.

None of her business, and you would be mental to accept any help from her anyway - it absolutely WILL come with strings attached.

Live within your own means - if you can't afford the private school, send your kids to a state one. Do not accept this womans "help".

My kids go to a fee paying school. We pay half, a relative pays the other half. He has no access to our finances. We send him a copy of the bill, he pays half direct. If he didn't trust us to be sorting our finances out ourselves then he wouldn't have offered. It sounds like your MIL is looking for a way to continue control and doesn't trust you and your DH to be financially responsible or truthful. I would say she can pay half, no strings, or not at all. Consider applying for a bursary or scholarship that might solve the problem!

Unless the only school you can get too is awful I'd never start down the paying route. My dc had to go to two paying schools for a few years and honestly, it wasn't worth it.

Don't accept the money and send your child to state school