To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

[Lostwords]

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

[RosaWaiting]

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy would he want to do that?!

What benefit could it possibly have?

[2Rebecca]

Agree if she wants to pay and you are happy with that then she pays. If you prefer to lend money to your mum rather than spend the money on private schooling that is you and your husband's business.
I wouldn't let any relative inspect our finances. I'm an adult now.

[LillithsFamiliar]

If it's an early inheritance, it makes even less sense that she is demanding to see your finances. Surely she's dividing the inheritance equally not based on parents' finances?
Are you sure her other DCs have submitted to this? I'm wondering if this is about your DH being pa about the loan to your DM.
fwiw I wouldn't let anyone have scrutiny of my finances and if my inheritance depended on it then I'd be forgoing my inheritance.

[EastCoastDamsel]

Nope, I wouldn't do this. In fact we receive a little help from both FIL and MIL towards school fees.

They offered to pay a certain amount per grandchild per term (2 of ours and 2 others) and simply pay that into a school fees account. They are under no obligation to give this money to us, but having offered it, I consider it a gift to my children and the rest of our finances are neither of their business.

We make up the difference in fees and other school related expenses and carry on managing the rest of our finances as before they started helping. (With a little extra now for savings, holidays and home renovations)

[Blondebakingmumma]

This is crazy. She either wants to help out and gives the money. Or she doesn’t. Your personal finances are none of her business

[BloodyMaud]

That's batshit. My DM is paying for DS1 to move to a private school in September. She can afford it fairly comfortably, and wanted to offer it as an option because she thought it would be best for him. When I said we'd contribute she refused because she knows finances are fairly tight at the moment and 'then you'd have no money for anything fun'. She also left choosing a school totally up to DH and I, and has made it clear she doesn't want any more involvement than any other grandparent would have, except to be sent the bill each term. If there had been any suggestion that she'd expect oversight of our finance I'd have refused the offer.

[Sleepsoon7]

I’m another who is not against fee paying schools per se but only if you can afford it and/or any gifts from family members to top up are unconditional. I’ve done the fee paying and state route in relation to my DCs and actually in hindsight wish for some of the School / DC combinations we had saved our money. In particular most end of terms in fee paying schools seemed the equivalent valuewise of me sitting at home burning £20 notes - but I digress.
Letting your MIL in on your finances in the detail you describe would be something I would never contemplate for these purposes and could cause resentment and possibly humiliation at times depending on the personalities involved.

[ShastaBeast]

If she pays out of income and it has no impact on her lifestyle it will be exempt from IHT. Presume it’s similar if she pays direct to the school. O or it maybe from a trust that already exists and has been taxed from previous generations.

[Biscuitsneeded]

Do not be beholden to anyone for the sake of school fees. It's not fair on anyone. Not fair on your MIL who might feel if she's shelling out she should have a say in choice of school, extra-curricular, what else you spend your money on etc. Not fair on you to feel beholden, have to justify your outgoings and be scrutinised. Not fair on DC who over time will become aware of what you are all sacrificing to be able to afford something you actually can't really afford. 14 years of private education will cost at least £200 000, based on cheapest fees at today's prices. I can't seriously think that ANY school is worth that much unless your state options are really dire and/or you have loads of spare money. If MIL wants to treat all her grandchildren equally, ask her to put what she would have paid each year into a savings account for your DC that they can use to fund university/house deposit etc - will be SO much more valuable to them in the long term.

[MzHz]

Refuse the money.

it's either a gift to help pay for fees or nothing.

she has no right to any info (bar the fee cost)

[Isatis]

Their family concept is that it will all come out of their inheritance, so it’s seen as divvying up early inheritance.

In that case your finances are completely irrelevant.

[Secretsloth]

Jesus No!

My mil is desperate to know our joint income, simply to brag about it to her family & friends...constantly telling us to buy a bigger house as we can afford it etc (again, to brag about it). No way in hell would i share finance information with her!

[poshfrock]

What happens if she needs to go into residential care before the children finish their education? Can she still afford to pay? Does she have an LPA in place in case she loses capacity? What happens if she dies halfway through the kids' GCSES? Does her will make provision to carry on paying them or does she have life insurance to cover them? So many loose ends to tie up. My dad offered to pay school fees for my son when he was born ( first grandchild 20 years ago) but refused to engage with any of the above issues to ensure his educational stability and so I politely refused. He now has 8 grandchildren and couldn't possibly have afforded to fund all of them which may have caused family resentment if some kids were funded and others weren't so I think I made the right choice.

[MerdedeBrexit]

Definitely don't let her have full scrutiny of your finances. Actually, don't let her have any idea at all, it's not necessary. As suggested earlier in the thread, tell her how much the school fees are and see how much she is willing to contribute, and see if that works with what you feel you can afford. If you agree to letting her contribute, make sure it is with no strings attached and that she is not going to come back to you when she is displeased with you for some spurious reason (or suddenly needs the money she's given you to buy a second home abroad, as on a thread a couple of weeks ago) and say it was a loan and she wants it back immediately.

[SunniDay]

Biscuitsneeded
"If MIL wants to treat all her grandchildren equally, ask her to put what she would have paid each year into a savings account for your DC that they can use to fund university/house deposit etc - will be SO much more valuable to them in the long term."


..Now that is a great idea!

[Liverbird77]

No way would I agree to this. My parents gave us money for a deposit. They transferred it into our account and left us to choose the house, budget etc.
They have said they will help with ds's school fees if possible. They'll just want to know how much they are.
Anything else would make me wary of being controlled.

[Gatehouse77]

I would not accept any money on the basis of full disclosure.
Either she offers to contribute or not - as a gift. I would accept any conditions either. Not for education.

[BrokenWing]

Regardless of whether she pays for her other grandchildren's school fees, it basically comes down to, you asked and she has made you an offer to pay for your dcs fees but with conditions/strings. It is up to you and your dh to decide together if you wish to sell your soul accept the offer or not, or negotiate how much of your privacy you are willing to sacrifice for money.

[Penelopeschat]

When someone gives you money, you lose power and autonomy of your own life. I think you will need to find a way for MIL to take a giant step back. Have a meeting and talk about what % you are hoping she am contribute. And base it solely on that. Not on your finances. For example, we are asking for support with 50% of the fees which is £10k for 7 years to get through secondary school and sixth form. Do not make it about your specifics in your finances. You could say if we can afford more than one holiday a year and have increase in savings or pay, we will ask you to contribute a smaller amount. For example with pay raises we anticipate we may be in a position to fund 75% ourselves. We are happy to meet annually each winter before the following years fees are due to discuss what % we need and again express our gratitude for your support. And that’s it.

[Alarmclockstop]

13-15k for before senior school, 30k plus a year for senior.

If you can afford half senior fees you can afford full pre prep for September and start looking for a good state school.

[ysmaem]

Uh, no, YANBU for not wanting to do that. Tell your OH his idea sucks and just say thanks to your MIL for wanting to contribute towards school fees and education for her grandson but refuse to share any of your finances with her.

[sugarbum]

No. no no no no no.

If you can afford to pay the entire amount, then send your child private. If you can't afford it, every year until they leave school, then don't do it. OR do it but not till secondary, and save what you would have spent on primary, towards secondary.

If your MIL wants to contribute, then let her, but she has NO business looking at your financial details.
No conditions. She either gifts a contribution, or she doesn't.
Someone this controlling though, is quite likely to withdraw the offer, any time she feels like it (ask me how I know!!) and you will be left up sh*t creek unless you can provide your own funding.

[C8H10N4O2]

My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business.

Sod that for a lark. Get your application in for the state school

There is no reason on earth why she needs to know your detailed finances - you sure this "requirement to submit" is from her or is it your DH wanting to use her to control finances?

If she wants to tweak her will all she needs is a total of her expenditure on the children.

[OrdinarySnowflake]

So MILs offer of paying is not linked to you not being able to get a good state place, nor to whether or not you can pay it yourself, but is just evening up with SILs situation? Then what difference does it make what situation your finances are in?

If this is your share of inheritance, would your MIL have written a will asking for your DH and SIL to submit their bank statements to her solicitor and then get them to decide how much each got depending on need?

It should be a simple "are you happy to pay for DS's private school fees the same as SIL has had for her DCs? If not we'll have to use state schools as we can't afford it ourselves." should cover it.

In your situation, I'd be getting DS's name on the waiting list for the local state school ASAP. You might get lucky if someone moves over the summer, remember where you are on the waiting list will depend on how far from the school you live, not when you went on the list. I'd try to get both places sorted then just ask MIL if she's paying, refusign to give any bank details, then take the state place if she refuses.

[Davespecifico]

Now that you may well refuse the offer; MIL will have shot herself in the foot. She expected you to accept and will probably feel snobbish about your child being the only grandchild not being privately educated.
Let us know what you decide.