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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

268 replies

longwayoff · 22/07/2019 13:09

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 23/07/2019 07:39

If a wealthy man had a “running away fund” it would be deprivation of assets Hmm

Disaster can strike any couple illness death job loss etc. Of course it’s sensible to have insurance and savings contingencies in place etc adult thing to do. But going behind the back of a cheerful loving devoted man to squirrel money away seems weird and distrustful to me. But you all know your husbands I guess

Happyspud · 23/07/2019 07:55

I don’t need a running away fund because I firstly invested in myself and put the effort into making myself secure despite marriage and children. As a back up bit of security I choose my husband very very carefully. If that doesn’t pan out for whatever reason, I still have myself to rely on for me and the kids.

Someone upthread said they wondered what a divorce lawyer would think if all the women saying their DH ‘would never do that’. I think my DH would never do that and he’s a divorce lawyer himself. We are both very aware of how nasty things get but my personality when the chips are down is to secure, cut costs, go basic and regroup till I feel safe again. My DHs personality is to blame himself for everything and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave me everything (which I wouldn’t need) out of shame of failing to keep his family. Who knows what would actually happen but I’m as sure as I can be that we are both the types to come to a fair arrangement and not end up in court. Doesn’t matter either way. I can pay for me and the kids alone if needed.

screentime · 23/07/2019 08:09

Dodge - I’m sorry, but you really have no idea what you’re talking about.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/07/2019 08:11

If you can afford to, it’s just common sense to keep some money in your sole name in case something happens to your spouse and they become incapacitated. Whether that be an affair or a stroke.

sqeakywheel · 23/07/2019 11:07

Screentime, I'm in a similar position to you. My dh wouldn't be able to do his job if I was working. But that's because we have mildly two disabled dc that we cannot leave alone. I'm a full time carer. But not enough of a carer to receive a carer's allowance from the government. I can't take an evening job as dh is sometimes away for business or working late. We have no relatives we could leave the dcs with. Also I'm utterly exhausted from caring for them.
I hate not working. We have no savings, I have no pension. I feel extremely vulnerable.
I was going to write this yesterday but didn't feel the thread was going this way, but thank you to screentime, I felt strong enough. I be been at home for 8 years now.

dodgeballchamp · 23/07/2019 13:01

What screentime because I value my independence and I don’t respect women (or men, if they were in the same position) who choose to be kept? Just because you don’t like my viewpoint doesn’t mean I don’t have a point.

mydogisthebest · 23/07/2019 13:08

Got a joint account when we got married and that's the way it has stayed for 40 years.

At times I have been the higher earner and at times DH has been the higher earner. I now can't work because of ill health but am not entitled to any benefits.

All money either of us has earned, won etc over the years has been OUR money.

screentime · 23/07/2019 13:15

dodge - do you actually have children? You say you never want to get married? So what understanding can you possibly have as to marriages such as mine? And what gives you the right to moralise about “independence?” I am independent. You really have no idea.

ethelfleda · 23/07/2019 13:20

We each have our own current accounts and one joint account. Our salaries get paid into our own accounts. He earns slightly more than me (£4K)
I run our finances - all money goes into current account for bills and savings and we each have back £400 in our own accounts to spend during the month on whatever. We rarely spend it all though as I make lunches for work etc
I also have a plum account linked to my current account with a bit extra.

I do not feel as though I need a running away fund. My husband is a wonderful man and my best friend and I trust him with my life. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.

screentime · 23/07/2019 13:27

Squeaky - I can well imagine you’re exhausted. It’s a shame people like Dodge feel the need to pile in on people such as you who are simply trying to do your best by your family. Flowers Whst else are you supposed to do?

FishCanFly · 23/07/2019 14:03

But if you're with a good man, and feel the need to deceive and steal from him to build up your own nest egg, then I assure you that you're on the wrong side of the moral debate there.
Even "good" people have their weaknesses, and there is no guarantee that you will not fall out of love.
As for "stealing" i see no difference whether you put your money away, or spend it on a fancy handbag instead.

screentime · 23/07/2019 14:37

But if a husband had a secret stash of funds that he never told his wife about, that would be deception, right? Financial abuse?

FishCanFly · 23/07/2019 14:51

Financial abuse?
depends if there is enough for the household

screentime · 23/07/2019 15:25

Well if I found out my DH had secret money somewhere, I’d be very concerned and wondering what he had to hide. So that would be trust eroded right there.

Similarly, I wouid not be shading money away because that would feel deceitful and akin to staking from my family. Whether they needed it or not. If I told my DH that I feel the need to have “my own” money, he’d be very concerned and wonder what he’d done wrong for me to feel that way. And he’d sort something himself to reassure me.

screentime · 23/07/2019 15:30

Sorry stashing not shading
And stealing not staking!

dudsville · 23/07/2019 15:32

This idea was very important to my mother, born in the 50s, dependent with children and never having managed bills, she was by the early 80s having to work everything out on her own, through a series of undesirable relationships. I have my own bank account. It's not for escape, my mother taught me it was important to my independence.

dodgeballchamp · 23/07/2019 16:26

if you have no means of earning your own money you're not independent. It's frankly alarming that you think the concept of individual money is wrong. A true slave of the patriarchy

Original poster
longwayoff · 23/07/2019 16:28

Private does not mean secret. To steal from and/or deceive your partner is not to be recommended. I fail to see how maintaining some financial autonomy, both partners, appears to denote a fractured relationship to so many. Each to their own though.

OP posts:
Happyspud · 23/07/2019 16:30

Women wouldn’t need runaway funds if they didn’t make themselves financially dependent on men.

screentime · 23/07/2019 17:09

“A true slave of the patriarchy”

Dodge - you sound like a walking A-level text book on feminism.

Meanwhile in the real world....

If you must know, I have a lot more financial independence in my married situation as the years have gone by, than if I had stayed single on the salary I was on before (which is what you seem to be advocating)? That salary wouldn’t matter now. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but you seem to need things spelt out to you.

Not everything is about “x salary”, you know. I know exactly where I would stand in a divorce or if anything happened to my DH (god forbid). He has explained this to me. He has a will. I know who to contact re-his lawyers and how to go about accessing certain funds. It’s about family assets. We have built our lives together.

If I lived as a single woman and never shared or compromised, I would not have the “financial independence” I have now, I can tell you that much for sure. Many women know the same and none of us are slaves to anyone, Thankyou very much. Is this really to much for you to conceive of?

screentime · 23/07/2019 17:18

Also OP, private is the same as secret in this case - the fact is you are not telling you DH! It amounts to the same thing. If I felt the need to do that, I would know I didn’t trust him.

If I told him I felt the need for “my own” money to feel independent, he wouid think I was a bit peculiar. He might wonder if I had one foot out the door tbh. Even if he accepted I was still committed to him, he wouid ask me what I needed to feel “independent” or not vulnerable - eg something in writing or a legal commitment - and then that would be that. This is what most people do - they actually have a discussion. It’s not difficult really.

dodgeballchamp · 23/07/2019 17:40

But you’re not financially independent screentime you’re living off someone else’s money. It doesn’t matter that you have full access, you don’t feel vulnerable blah blah, the fact is, it isn’t earned by you. It’s a shame that you needed a man to give you your version of financial independence, but it’s not independence. It hasn’t been achieved by you on your own merit. It’s sad really that you’d rather rely on a man than try and improve your own earning power for yourself. I’m sure you’d be fine in the event of a divorce but the fact is you did nothing to earn those assets.

dodgeballchamp · 23/07/2019 17:42

If I told him I felt the need for “my own” money to feel independent, he wouid think I was a bit peculiar

Would he say the same if you wanted to get a job?

Graphista · 23/07/2019 17:50

Screentime - do you mean you have your own money from eg inheritances, trust funds etc?

Or do you mean your husband provides your financing willingly at the moment?

Because if the latter you are NOT financially independent at all!

You really do not KNOW how he would behave in the event of a split - nobody can know that. The relationships board and most people's real life friendship groups are LITTERED with people who thought their now ex partner/spouse "would never do that" and before the misandrist accusers start I am VERY well aware it's not just men! Women as nrps can be every bit as unfair in dodging cm etc, some women as RP's can be awful over contact arrangements etc

If the former and you know you'd be fine if you split from your husband regardless of what he did then all well and good, but it doesn't seem like that's what you mean.

MaximusHeadroom · 23/07/2019 17:56

We only have one bank account. DH earns 80% of our income and I manage the household finances. I am a bit of a squirrel and save money every month. I doubt he knows how much.

We sold our house a couple of years ago and the money is in a savings account which is currently only in my name because DH keeps forgetting to sign the form putting him on the account. His life insurance policy is also worth a lot more than mine.

I would never be comfortable being in his situation but he isn't concerned. Fortunately I have no plans to leave him. or murder him