AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

As pp said I couldn’t afford 2 sets of childcare so didn’t have 2 in nursery at once.

On £25k a single parent would get tax credits that would help with childcare. I’d rather that than a dp who could turn on you.

The relationship boards on here aren’t a good ad for happy endings!

I don’t actually care whether people think dh and I are naive or stupid or whatever. Eye roll away. It works for us. Do whatever works for you.

After seeing the way my dad controlled my mum and is still doing so, married 47 years, i vowed never to share money or bank accounts. I think everyone should have their own private account to save for whatever their reason is. Just because you have no current marital problems does not mean that may change, and your DH becomes your number 1 enemy.

@x2boys i think perhaps your the blinkered one. Not every marriage is equal, not every family has family money to spend.

We each have our own current accounts into which our salaries are paid. We earn similar amounts. We also have a joint account into which we each pay £X hundred each month. The mortgage and all household bills are paid out of this account. The amounts are set up so that a surplus accumulates in the current account each month to pay for unscheduled bills, eg if the washing machine needs fixing.

The remainder of our salaries is our own for each of us to spend, save or invest as we see fit. I pay for my car / hobbies / clothes etc etc. DP pays for his. Major purchases, eg our main holiday are split 50/50. We take it in turns to do the food shopping. In 25 years, we have never had a single argument about money.

@Graphista well said, everything you said absolutely spot on.

DH doesn't know how to log on to the on-line banking, I like to think of all our money as my running away fund should I need it

Yes, every woman should have a "running away" fund. I left my marriage with virtually nothing & without my parent's help I don't know how I would have managed. If I had my chance again, I would definitely try & build up a fund so if the worst happened I had enough money to start again.

Prevention is better than cure. Being very careful who you marry and have kids with would avoid a lot of the disasters. As someone said upthread, most of the assholes in a divorce were always assholes. I could easily point out some dangerous men to marry among my friends and acquaintances. But yet they still married them.

YANBU since a lot of us misjudged our loving relationships.

I’m actually thinking there’s a “anti-women-who-have-DHs-who-financially-support-them” troll on here because there are so many of these threads. Phrased slightly differently, but provoking the same old arguments. What is the point of asking the question, then contributing nothing to the thread?

Anyway OP, seeing as I’m on here -

Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income?

Yes and I have been for about 17 years.

Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

Do you think I wouid live this way for one second if I felt I could men spend money as I see appropriate or if my choices were curtailed in any way.

No I’m not financially vulnerable.
No I don’t feel “uncomfortable”
No would absolutely NOT be in a relationship with separate finances - I rather be single than that
No I am not a “servant” or whatever
No my DH does not financially control me

We are both more wealthy and have a more secure financial future because I’ve supported him to make a lot of money. It’s as simple as that and this is the case for many people. This is completely normal and I’ve no idea why people on MN act as if it’s unusual.

I feel terribly sorry for people who aren’t sure / secure enough about their supposed life partner, that they feel a need to keep money separately ‘just in case’. I feel behind this lies vague awareness of poor judgement in character and some distant acceptance that their partner is potentially shady, or a mistrusting character based on own characteristics

We just have one account and one shared credit card and an agreed weekly disposable amount. We can spend it on anything we want and Once that’s spent we wait till the next week and do it again. It works because we’re reasonable and fair, and have 100% trust. Been together 20 years and super happy

@womanlikemeLM thanks

Again - it's not JUST in the event of a split, there are quite a few situations including certain emergencies apart from that where having a separate bank account could end up proving very useful.

I know people with one account in one name with one card - if that person gets hit by a bus their partner/spouse is screwed! Because good luck persuading a bank that your partner ESPECIALLY if you're not married would have wanted you to be able to use that account and spend that money with NOTHING in writing to prove this!

Your thread title assumes the woman earns less than the man. I earn about five times more than DH so I don't need a fund!

That being said I do think every person (not just women) should have at least a sketch of a plan of what they would do if their OH left them because while we all hope for the best, the opposite is always possible.

I'm currently on benefits after having DS and my partner takes over half of that money despite earning his own wage to spend on whatever he likes-usually his car- whilst I'm left with little over £100 to buy food and nappies and most of the time fuel for his car as he always ends up having no money left by the next day (all the bills are taken out at the end of the month and the money he gets off of me is usually gone the day after I give it to him around the middle of the month) despite him saying he needs it for help with the bills, I am planning to open a joint account with him so that all of the bills money goes into there instead of into his pocket. We had to borrow money off of my mother just to buy food this month because he miraculously lost his bank card after draining what little money I had promising to pay me back and then when I asked for it back he said he only had £15 in his bank after transferring him £256 two days earlier. I secretly send money to my sister but not as a run away fund but just as a in case of emergency fund for stuff for our Son

I wouldn't think of running away, think rather juvenile title, my partner's parents have separate and joint accounts. It's up to you and your partner. It shouldn't be a running away one, but an independent one to spend on yourself.

Kpeter - do you mean you're not married, on benefits and your "partner" is wasting money?

If so then a joint account is a TERRIBLE idea, it also sounds like you may be getting financially abused.

Me and DH have separate accounts I pay all the bills he sends me half the money. I'm a control freak and he's shit with money. He does earn double what I do but I never want to rely on a man for money. He would give me money if I needed it though. As for a running away fund chance would be a fine thing lol 😂

Nearly everyone thinks their dp/dh would never cheat or never abuse them or never fuck off and leave them. Until they do of course

You only need to read mn to get a quick and comprehensive education of what cunts some men can be (ok people...but seeing as it’s mainly a women’s site I’ll stick with men). No matter if you have kids or have been married 20 years or if he’s always been wonderful or whatever.

There are so many women on this thread who are completely naive and scarily arrogant in their determination that ‘it will never happen to me’.

It might not. But it might 🤷🏻‍♀️ No one is immune or special enough that it could never happen to them.

Not sure a ‘fuck off fund’ is the best title but yes, everyone should have the means to be able to independent cope in an emergency, or at least work towards it.

The posters saying ALL WOMEN SHOULD HAVE THEIR OWN SAVINGS. you do realise a lot of people don't have any spare money to stash away for themselves..... and if the man was the one secretly hiding money without the woman knowing everyone would go mad!!

All money here is family money and always has been I'm a SAHM now but haven't always been and we've always just shared it. Each of us wouldn't make a big purchase without saying anything first but I don't have to ask for money for things (actually his wage is paid into my bank as that's the "bills account"

screentime 17 years??? What the fuck! Why? Unless you’ve got serious health issues that prevent you from working (and if you do, I apologise) then there is NO REASON a healthy adult shouldn’t contribute financially to their relationship. I cannot imagine bankrolling someone for this long and I have to admit I have absolutely zero respect for people in this position. Why would you want to give up your autonomy? No matter how un-vulnerable you feel, the fact is you’re at the mercy of your husband and the divorce courts if you separate.

OP I agree. I’d never combine finances and I don’t want to get married for this very reason. I would find it demeaning and feel incredibly ashamed if I had to access someone else’s wages all the time. I get a sense of pride and satisfaction from taking care of myself and knowing I’m prepared for unexpectedly expensive situations or crises. I appreciate my salary allows me to do this and not everyone’s does, but I do think financial independence to a manageable degree should be a priority for everyone

These threads are ridiculous. Every relationship is different and just because one way works for you, doesn't mean they'll work for another. Circumstances change, jobs fall through, anything can happen.

Instead of calling people stupid or naive for not having a "run away fund" why can't we educate people, about what they are getting into if they have a joint account or a separate account?

I know many couples that have separate accounts and that's fine. I also know many couples that have joint accounts and that works great for them.

@kpeter, your partner is a gambler, a drug user or simply an abusive ass. Please don't open a joint account with him. You need some serious advice about your future, please seek some guidance.

@YouJustDoYou - thanks for the womansplaining! 🙂

Let me put it this way. These days, I'm actually a big fan of separate finances. That comes after getting out of an abusive marriage, where she ultimately turned violent. She was financially dependent on me. Our salaries were paid into a joint account. The only things we had separate were a couple of savings accounts, purely because ISAs can only be in one name. And when we split (after thenPolice had been involved following her assaulting me again), she emptied all those accounts and gave the money to her mother. Money that I'd earned. I would never marry again, and I wouldn't want joint finances again, beyond those required to pay the bills.

So, within that context....if a woman is earning and supporting herself, she can do whatever the hell she likes with her money. If that means creating a running away fund, she's welcome to do that. Although I may start questioning whether this is the right relationship for me, if my partner is constantly planning for leaving me.

If, however, someone were financially dependent on me, and - without my knowledge or agreement - started secretly stashing money away into her running away fund, I would view that as stealing from me. And that relationship would be over, there and then. No amount of saying "but loads of men are really abusive" would make that okay. Because I'm not abusive. So there would be no excuse for stealing from me. Which is what secretly taking joint money, or money that I've earned, and putting it into an account that I can't touch and am not supposed to know about, is.

You can shout about "but men are abusive" all you like. And yes, some are. If a woman is actually in one of those relationships, fine - do what you need to do to get out. Totally understand, and totally support that. But if you're with a good man, and feel the need to deceive and steal from him to build up your own nest egg, then I assure you that you're on the wrong side of the moral debate there.

17 years??? What the fuck! Why? Unless you’ve got serious health issues that prevent you from working (and if you do, I apologise) then there is NO REASON a healthy adult shouldn’t contribute financially to their relationship. I cannot imagine bankrolling someone for this long and I have to admit I have absolutely zero respect for people in this position.

Well I was in that position for 15 years but didn’t need anybody’s respect! My DH respected me and my contribution to our family.