AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

I havent read the thread, but I agree with you. TOTALLY.

How about putting some effort into the relationship rather than secretly saving money up ready to leave at any time. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy, if you’re ready to leave you’re not committed and relationship less likely to last.

@Shortstuff99 and what if her OH runs off with another woman despite her being fully committed? And she hasn't got any backup funds? What then? In an ideal world none of us would ever have to worry about that but $hit happens unfortunately

You can still be committed with a safety net FFS.

In fact, it bloody insulting to say that anyone who does this isn't committed to their relationship.

Couldn't agree more @fortheloveofpete. This thread was triggered by 2 things, chatting with a colleague from a former job who said she was going to buy a new sofa and would use some of her running away money.??? Didn't know what this was but its £5k or so she keeps aside and tops up if she uses some of it for something else. It's not a secret. She has neither stolen it from her partner, not concealed it, nor deceived him. She had her fund before she met him, when she lived with a demanding and controlling mother and says it was the one thing that made it bearable, knowing she could leave if mother got too much. She did keep it secret from her though.

The second trigger was hearing an advert in which a wife muttered she wouldn't tell her husband how much money she'd spent on her 'holiday outfits'. I thought this kind of thinking was dead and gone, buying something for yourself and disguising it in the 'housekeeping'. I was surprised to hear it in an ad for a major High St name.

It's the lack of autonomy that alarms me. It makes me uncomfortable and I wondered how common it was to pool all income and have no recourse to money if you had sudden immediate and unanticipated need for it and also how common it was to attempt to insure against that.

Sorry can’t relate to or recognise any of those scenarios. Sounds like something out of a crime thriller. My dh is a normal decent person he has never even commented on my spending nor I his ever as we both sensible adults

I knew that my (now ex) husband was a decent and honest man, after all we'd been together for 20 years, I knew him inside and out.

I had no idea I was married to an arsehole until the day I found out he was cheating. I would have staked my life that he wouldn't have hidden a six figure sum of money from me.

I trusted him 100%, just as some of you on this thread trust your husbands. Every single person who knew him and knows what he did was utterly shocked when they discovered what he was really like.

Joint accounts can be emptied, decent husbands can actually turn out to be lying cheats. You can never fully trust another person.

Always have your own money.

When I married in the 60s my wise mum said "if you only put 10 shillings away a week, its yours if you need it"

Yabu . We both work have one account . Its joint money . Have no need for a running away fund

Our salaries go into our own private account. I transfer X amount to my partner for utilities and contribution to (his) mortgage. We both transfer the same amount into a joint account for household costs/holidays/child costs.

My daughter isn't his so I pay for childcare with Childcare vouchers (can't get childcare vouchers if you have no parental reposibility, it makes sense tax wise for us to do this (circa £150-£200 a month so not huge amounts))- all other expenses (clothes, parties, birthdays etc) we split.
The house isn't mine so I pay 50% of the utilities but only a token amount towards the mortgage.(would be unfair for me to pay into my partners equity without a stake in that equity but I don't expect to live for free) The child costs and the house costs split work out pretty evenly in the end.

My partner earns more than double my wage but contributes significantly into a pension so doesn't take home double.
However, he does pay for all big ticket items (flights to the USA, new carpets, the car).

What we do with the rest of our money is up to us, atm I am paying off a bit of debt from my single parent days and also saving like mad so we can buy a house together and I have some equity from the off. He just squirrals a lot away or treats us to things- he is very generous when it comes to birthdays and family.

We have consistent communication on the balance of things and how happy we are with things- he is constantly telling me off for buy DD stuff or house stuff out of my own account instead of the joint account as he says we are both responsible not just me.

After being a single parent I am adament to maintain financial independence- it would be the same if we were married. We don't plan on having more children but if we did there would definitely be flex in how we split the bills.

after going around the houses in my response I do think both parties should have access to an amount of savings should anything happen- not just a breakdown of a relationship, perhaps death of a partner and assets frozen.

I call my savings pot for this my "F*ck it Fund"
It isn't just for a relationship breakdown but any major lifestyle change, reduncancy, change in career etc

We have separate accounts just because. We don’t treat the money as separate though - we have access to everything and spend however we see fit. I find the notion of hiding money from my husband a bit weird. If I want to save money for whatever reason I just say hey, x is for savings and that’s it. There’s no need to lie.

tonnes of typos- sorry

@Sunnydays999 @whothedaddy nicely put.

It’s your bit of financial independence. I am 100% I committed to my relationship and love my husband to bits. But I still have my own savings and so does he.

Oops! Typo I meant @TheWernethWife

Everyone needs some source of money in their name only in case of emergency, even if the partner is the most trustworthy person on the planet. For those who pool everything, check out exactly what happens with your bank account if one of you dies suddenly, everything with the others name on it could be frozen for at least several weeks.
This happened to me, when my husband died in an accident, our account could still be used to pay household bills, eg I could give the the electricity bill to the bank to be paid, but not withdraw cash or use my card to pay for anything, credit cards linked to the account couldn't be used either. Luckily I had my own money to pay for food and such! This will vary by country and account type, so check out your particular situation.

All the posts commenting about secret stashes are silly. My "F*ck it Fund" isn't a secret from my partner at all. He has a general idea of what is in there and actively encourages me to put myself in a good financial position ( I was a single parent when we met and he was raised by a single mum- he is well aware of the perils of that situation)

I also know that my partner has savings- they are much bigger than mine, he also has a pension that is much bigger than mine, a rental property and we live in a house owned by him. He was a bachelor when we met (and almost a decade older than me) I became a mum in my very early 20's. Our life experiences and financial history have been very very different.

Therefore he does everything he can to pass on his knowledge and encourage me to 'make up for lost time' and invest in my future self. At the moment he still earn more than double what I earn. However, I am coming to the end of 5 years of studying for a very high level qualification which will see me overtake him within the next decade. At present My salary is enough for me to rent a place for me and my daughter to live in if our relationship broke down. My savings are enough to cover a rental deposit, furnishings and buy a car. And my salary /career projectory means I awould still be able to save enough to buy my own property within the next 5 years should I need to.

Financially literacy is so underrated. regardless of how stable a relationship is, or if you are single, childless or not, you owe it to yourself to understand how the world of money, pensions, APR's and mortgages work.

@paintedorpapered I'm sorry for your loss.

that just backs up the last point on my post. Financial literacy is so important