AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

We started a joint account when we moved moved in together but kept single accounts for a few months. Then we both went over drawn in our own accounts when our join account had money in it. Decided to pool and only have one account. That was almost 16 years ago, we are married with children and I can't imagine it any other way.

We discuss big purchases but we spend what we like. When children were young I was part time and earned lots less than DH. I couldn't t imagine how we would have managed if we didn't share money equally.

We have friends who are married who have separate money and it's so weird to hear them talk about turns to pay and owing each other money.

I am financially independent because neither of us see it as “his” money. I’ll be honest, he has made a lot of money over the years while we’ve been together. He could have done this as a single man yes, but he could not have done it AND had a family. His family are the reason he has fine what he’s done. He is very clear that this is what drives and motivates hom - otherwise what is the point to the money? What is he doing it for? He’s not making money for money’s sake. He’s doing it to change the prospects for his children. I do what I do for the same reason. It’s a different kind I sacrifice, if you can call it that. My “independence” (whatever that is) matters less to me than what’s best for our DC. Is it that hard to understand?

What would you do if you were in a relationship when, say for instance, maybe in the beginning he earns roughly double what you earn, but then, over the years, he’s earning ten, fifty, a hundred times more. Obviously, your lifestyle and that if your DC would inevitably come to be set by his income anyway - whether you’re working or not is largely irrelevant. Once your DC are in private schools and you’ve moved into different houses etc, you know full well that your salary trajectory wouldn’t come near finding that anyway. So, if “independent” means that you could finance your current children’s lifestyle and housing alone, then you are not “independent” anyway, even if you’re working. So it makes no difference in the overall scheme of your life.

You are more “independent” though, because your name is on all the deeds of everything and you have access to the family assets which you have played your part in over the years.

Everyone's DH is decent until they aren't. If you have children and don't have access to some savings in the worst case scenario you could find yourself at the mercy of someone who could turn into a virtual stranger to you and who possibly has OW whispering in his ear (just see the relationship board). There are plenty of people who are blindsided by relationship breakdowns, it's only prudent to have a backup. DP and I earn similar amounts. I have some savings of my own which he knows about. I have encouraged him to put some aside for himself also but he hasn't. Not my problem and he does have his parents to rely on if we ever split. I don't have that luxury and I have DD to think of so my emergency fund will stay untouched!

When I say I am financially independent, yes I have always lived in a way that I can afford myself if a relationship fails.

If dp dumps me tomorrow I can easily afford the house and my (not his kids). Its the reason I wont have a baby with him. Childcare would cripple me. So it's a no.

With dp here, I could stretch to private school. But not alone. So it's a no.

My career has never been behind any of the men I have been with.

If dp earnt 100k, no I woildnt stretch our lifestyle

In fact my auntie didnt. She has been with her partner for 30 years. They lived in the house she bought. A small 3 bed council house. He earns a fortune. She has always ensured she could pay the bills and have some spare if he left. She could have quit or gone part time when her son was young (son isnt her partners). But like me, she like the security of knowing she didnt need him.

Well for a start my children would never be in private school no matter how much I or my partner earned, because I don’t believe in buying privilege. Why do you assume that if I had a male partner their income would inevitably overtake mine? Even if it did, it’s not my business what’s in my husband’s account any more than it’s his business what’s in mine. Of course we’d split outgoings fairly but it’s a fairly misogynist attitude to regard a woman’s job as worthless and not worth doing just because it brings in less than a man’s. There’s a lot more to be gained from working than just money - independence, a sense of identity, a pension... let’s say for argument’s sake my partner was a SAHD, I would take an incredibly dim view of him not returning to work once children were in school and he certainly wouldn’t be living off my salary. I would expect an equal contribution to finances as well as parenting and that’s what I would bring to a relationship as a minimum. I’d rather have a lower salary than my hypothetical spouse but keep it separate for myself, than sacrifice that to spend someone else’s dollar and pretend I’m better off for it.

If a woman is financially independent she does not need a “running away” fund. She just has money. The idea of a “running away” fund seems very reductive and regressive to me.

If the aim of your post was to urge women to financial independence, good on you.

But the idea of a “running away fund” as the norm I think is unreasonable.

We have separate accounts for our “own spending”. He’s just come back from viewing an old sports car. God help me and its not even a soft top
Meanwhile I’ve booked a holiday for me and daughter..
Having your own money gives you a little bit of power in the relationship..
Early days married i had nothing of my own, it stings to have to ask because they just don’t see that particular need.
But women must learn not to spend any Mad money they have on things for them house and kids that should really come out of joint money

Yes, financial independence is best! But as a sahm, a running away fund is essential

Ha! I'm single and self-sufficient but still have a running away fund from when I was with ex DP.

It's habit now, I stick a few quid in every month just in case. Gives me lots of peace of mind to know the DC and I will be ok for a while in case of disaster.

I have been a SAHM for 4 years and intend to return to work at the end of the year.

I am now entirely dependent on DH for money, once my savings ran out after maternity leave ended. He transfers me £200/month as my own money, and we have a joint account for the mortgage, all bills, groceries and the odd incidental. He only puts in a small buffer for extras. He pays for all holidays, meals out, etc. His salary, which is close to 6-figures, goes into his own account. He comes from a family who are obsessive about money - only one example is his mother used to put her hand out for 1p change from a purchase, DH is sometimes reluctant to spend money on essential things like we need a wasp nest removed from near DC’s pool but pours the majority of his monthly income into pension investments etc.

I can’t wait to return to work and control my own income. I have £1k debt on my credit card because I don’t always have enough money of my own, DH would go berserk if he knew

Dodge - but you only think about yourself. You don’t want to share anything; you don’t want DC and you don’t want a marriage. That’s fair enough, but you can’t really tell people who do want these things how they should feel or behave. For instance, there is absolutely no way I would have children with a man who insisted on separate finances. No way in hell. You must be joking. Even if I was the higher earner, that is simply not a marriage to me. It makes no sense when you have children.

I think the only time I would be ok with separate finances in a marriage is if one or both of us had children from a previous relationship, or something like that. I can see the point there.

"I am financially independent because neither of us see it as “his” money." Then as I and others suspected you're NOT ACTUALLY financially independent - you ARE dependent on him because the REALITY is it IS HIS money and at ANY TIME he can cut you off!

"My “independence” (whatever that is) matters less to me than what’s best for our DC. Is it that hard to understand?" Your LACK of ACTUAL independence also disadvantages your children.

If you were to be dumped next week and he became a stranger to you (which is usually what DOES happen ESPECIALLY if there's an OW involved) all he HAS to pay is cm, and even that isn't guaranteed as there are SO MANY loopholes.

Yes strictly speaking you would be entitled to half of marital assets too - but again that can be very easy to manipulate.

"you have access to the family assets which you have played your part in over the years." That access can literally disappear overnight if he so chose! You have absolutely no control over that.

When you have DC worst case scenario HAS to be what you plan and prepare for if at all possible it's irresponsible not to.

DRTFT,

But get the gist of it.

I am sorry if I offend anyone, but there is absolutely NO Way I would ever be totally dependent on anyone anymore. Once bitten.

We have a joint account for bills, cars, fuel, insurance, food, and so on. No one cares what comes out of that because it is household expenditure.

We also have a joint saving account for holidays, Christmas, big events like weddings, maintenance in the house and so on.

But I will always keep my own savings. And so will he.

I really don't see the problem with that.

Everyone should have their own money. Putting EVERYTHING into a joint account is just stupid in my opinion.

It’s baffling how people can be so vehement in telling complete strangers about their financial situation and divorce prospects Do you think this has never occurred to me?

I know exactly where I stand thanks.

If, over the years, I had ever felt disadvantaged, vulnerable or whatever through not working, then OBVIOUSLY, I would have done something about that wouldn’t I. But I haven’t, so I didn’t. That speaks for itself.

Just accept that not everyone sees life through the same lens as you and people make choices in totally different contexts.

You THINKING you're not vulnerable, disadvantaged etc while ACTUALLY being dependent on your husband financially doesn't make it true.

The reality is you ARE vulnerable, disadvantaged and financially dependent on another adult who has very limited legal and financial responsibility either for you or DC.

If it were just you, I'd leave you to it, but this affects your DC too so yes I think you're being very naive and irresponsible.

God what’s with these dramatic capital letters? Most of us are intelligent adult women able to make informed decisions about our own relationships and finances thanks. Having cloak and dagger money squirrelled away is the antithesis of a healthy marriage in my opinion but knock yourself out

Graphista - I don’t really want to get into it but I / we have a property portfolio of about 50 properties in central London. There are many other investments too, in my name as well as his. The school fees are paid. All the DC have a flat each fortjrir futures and trust funds in their own names. Our home in central London is mortgage free, plus two properties abroad. This is why me going to work for £50k (based what I was earning when I left work) would not be relevant to my “independence”, either now or in the event of a separation. I do think of my children. I put them before anything. I would never risk their futures. Neither would DH. That is exactly why we have done things this way. This is the whole point! I’m sorry to put things like this, but I get fed up of people telling me I’m stupid or naive because I don’t have a salary of “my own.”

"Cloak and dagger money"😂

Now who's being dramatic?

Everyone should have an independent finance portfolio. And I don't care if you have 50 houses or none.

That is not the point. It could all go tits up in the morning, then what do you do. Thousands in legal fees for sure as a start anyway.

There have been lots of threads on here about being trapped with no access to any money to start again.

Just saying, no one really knows what is around the corner either. Better to have a stash in your own name than not. IMO.

I don't see the problem myself.

Screentime, you said your husband has a will. I hope you have one too.

This issue was discussed on James O'Brien on LBC a couple of days ago, he was kicked to the kerb when he said all finances should be shared forever, he did mention marriage, but it applies to all dual relationships IMO.

Independence is a big thing for me.

Most of us are intelligent adult women able to make informed decisions about our own relationships and finances thanks

This.

And why on earth are you getting so worked up about how other people run their finances anyway?

Men work, women just go to work.

Men provide, women make the dinner and wash the clothes and mind the children.

It doesn't end with fifty years of feminism. But now our focus is on trans.

I will keep my savings separate anyway, no need to apologise, or excuse it. It is actually mine!

“That is not the point. It could all go tits up in the morning, then what do you do”

Well what does anyone do if it all goes “tits up?” The point I’m making is that this is all relative. It’s far too simplistic to think of a “running away fund” as the ultimate insurance. It depends on how the rest of your life stacks up financially - eg mortgages, salary, debt levels, assets, how many / ages of DC - all kinds of things. It may make a difference for some people, sure. For many others, it would be largely irrelevant.