AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

@Graphista I know a few divorced couples and all apart from one have sorted their finances in a fair and relatively amicable way. One couple didn't but he was always a controlling idiot.

I'd prefer to continue with my totally trusting and loving marriage than start siphoning off money. I'd be desperately hurt if my husband had a running away fund and that would be more likely to cause a deterioration in our relationship.

I look after all our finances and know a lot more about where our money is than he does but none is hidden!

Blimey @Screamanger, I thought I'd put in some serious planning but you've raised the bar!

@Screamanger are you Julia Stiles in Riviera?! 😂

Only if you marry an arsehole

Few women marry arseholes, many women divorce arseholes.

I utterly adore my husband. We’re very happy. If he cheated on me, we’d divorce and I would be an utter arsehole to him at every turn.

OP - YANBU

hth

My DH is the most reliable man I've ever met. All our accounts are in joint names, except for one online saver which the bank would only let us set up in one name - mine. Also, the children's accounts are in my name. We're entirely dependent on his income but we both spend what we need & discuss before spending on "wants."

If I got a whiff of any change in his reliability I'd open an account in my name & transfer at least half of everything in all our accounts, gather important documents & leave him with copies & take the DC to a friend or my parents before I even discussed it with him.

At the moment, I trust him more than anyone else in the world. I'm not naïve or arrogant enough to think that couldn't possibly change or that it wouldn't happen to me & I'm one of those people who plans for every eventuality! The only situation this plan doesn't protect me against is him getting in there first & running away with all the DC/money... But the account he can't access has enough in it for me to get to my parents & at least get the ball rolling with a solicitor.

My advice to all my children: put enough in that account for hotels and food for a fortnight. Then come running to me and i’d bail you out.

Most men are arseholes?

Wow. How lovely.

As a mum of boys your talking shite. My boys aren’t arseholes, neither is my dh, my brothers and the vast majority of my extensive social network of male friends.

Some of the women I know on the other hand . . . .

You’re not your

What on EARTH makes you think those of us that have been through separation/divorce didn't do the same?! How insulting! And bloody arrogant too if you've never been through a separation/divorce!

Exactly Graphista, I've eye rolled to Olympic level at this thread.

OP Yanbu.

soulrunner JazzyGG BishopofBathandWells

We call it our bug out box, just in case we were to leave in a hurry, or one of us had to escape for some reason, we can go dig it up and we will have what we need. Because you never know . When DD is old enough we will tell her about it.

"I know a few divorced couples and all apart from one have sorted their finances in a fair and relatively amicable way." Relatively? I'd love to know their take on this discussion

"Few women marry arseholes, many women divorce arseholes." Yep!

Found the American

Ladies, you all need some secret savings. Even if you're with an amazing partner, people and circumstances can change.

StitchingMoss - not all men are arseholes but they have the potential to be just as women have the potential to be unfair in a split too.

But let's be honest, it's still far far more common for women to be financially dependent on partner/spouse than men. Even if they're working the men are usually earning more.

It's also usually women that are responsible for the children after a split.

So it's really only sensible that women are advised to plan protectively.

I don't think anyone on the thread anyway has said it would be wrong for men to do similar.

Indeed a few pps have pointed out that circumstances outside the partnership could make it sensible if the family unit has access to accounts held in different banks etc I know a good few families locally really struggled when there was an issue with a certain banks cards not working electronically over a long bank holiday weekend due to a technical issue.

And some on the brexit threads have mentioned it may be useful to have accounts with more than one bank if the bank you use is based in Europe.

I myself also pointed out its not just if you split it's also if one becomes incapacitated or dies.

I've seen a relative completely screwed over following their unmarried partners death by "in laws" she previously thought well of.

StitchingMoss - I'm not sure why you're taking my comment so personally? I'm sure your sons are lovely and will always be lovely. I said 'most'. For most women, the odds are not in our favour for picking a good one, which is why it is wise to protect yourself and your finances.

My husband used to say ‘why is it when the man earns its “our money” but when it’s the woman it’s “her money”?
When I gave up work I was reliant on my husband. We both had individual accounts, and a joint account. Individual mainly as I kept the one before I was married and also I worked til my second, and he kept his as he had an ex and children from his first marriage that he supported. He earned about 20 times what I did. He would ask me about any major purchases before he made them and we made most (car, sofa, holidays) decisions together. It was trust I guess. I was co -owner of the house (I did put most of the deposit for it from the sale of my house) and he paid the mortgage and all bills. He never ever questioned what and how I spent money. And I never questioned him - again it was trust.

The best advice my Nan ever gave me was "always have your running away money". That's not necessarily running away from your husband, just like rainy day money. She was right, it's nice to know you have a few bob to fall back on

its called the bikini fund

Never had a problem with spending the money my dh earned because I felt I earned it too by looking after his kids and same vice versa. But I do have a running away fund.

It took me a couple of years to realise my ex was an arsehole. Luckily I had savings, a job, and a house I owned outright. Without at least 2 of those things I would have drowned in a sea of shit.

@Graphista that is their take on it. They are my friends. They've told me about it. However most of my friends earn similar to their husbands (or have the potential to do so and have gone back to work full time).

I advocate having access to your own pool of money. I do it myself and I'm in charge of the savings account. However if push comes to shove, even if things break down with dh, that money is still up for grabs. Just because he doesn't know the password to the savings account, he knows it exists, it's half his.

So I guess the question is about a "secret" fund. I'm not sure how that would work. Wouldn't that still be up for grabs if you got into the financial part of a divorce when you have to declare everything?

If you’d asked ‘should both parties have the ability to look after themselves should something unforeseen happen’ then I’d be with you all the way.

‘Running away fund’ makes my skin crawl. It means (to me) that you’re already in an abusive relationship because things are already that unequal.

I'd feel like a servant if I lived off a man's money, completely inept and powerless. But really, many women don't have any money to save and every penny goes on essentials. In fact millions live this way so yeah, due to cuts to refuges etc many women are stuck in abusive relationships due to money. This government seems determine to make women's lives hard (well, those pesky poor women) and that includes forcing them to stay with abusive men due to finances. No woman in my family or extended family has bloody savings, folk can't afford it.

So much naivety on this thread. I'm actually staggered.

HALF OF ALL LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS BREAK DOWN. And when they do, money matters can get very nasty, very quickly.

No one is protected from that NO ONE.

ALL WOMEN NEED TO PURSUE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND SECURITY.