AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

I absolutely trust my husband not to be irresponsible with money, and we see keeping our own individual finances as part of that. We each pay half of the mortgage, bills and joint expenses, and beyond that we each manage our own money. We do know roughly how much each other has, and we plan where our savings are going together so that between us we’ve got a good balance of long and short term investments. We’ve also (largely inspired by some scary threads I’ve read on Mumsnet!) agreed some thresholds that mean we need to talk- so if either of us decides to take out a loan, or can’t pay their credit card bill, or has to dip into savings by more than a few hundred, we wouldn’t hide it. But for day to day spending, we have no interest in policing each other.

In a general sense, I could never allow myself to be financially dependent on another person, or them to be on me. To be honest, for me, any kind of dependency in that way would be the death knell for a relationship. How can you know any more that they’re with you because they want to be, rather than because they have to be to survive? Or because they feel responsible for your survival? So a Running Away Fund would be an absolute bare minimum for peace of mind.

It’s probably pertinent that I was trapped in a financially abusive (among other things) relationship when I was much younger. I was the one earning all the money, and he spent it. And I spent several years living extremely precariously in the thick of it, and then several more years repairing my credit record afterwards. And will never, ever allow myself to be in that position again. So I may be a bit more militant than average about this as a result.

When I first met DP we both worked. I had a DD from my previous marriage living with me. We pooled our income then, thankfully.

Then I had our DD and didn't work full time, I just did a couple of days a week. Then I had DS, and didn't work at all until he was three.

What a mess I would have been in if I had insisted on separate accounts and contributing equally!

Then, when DS was 7 and DD 8, I became a student nurse, again relying heavily on DP to pay the majority of bills. I had to give that up in 2015 and have since become disabled, unable to work in the field in which I have a vast assay of experience.

All the way along, DP has cheerfully supported me and DC, including DD1 when she still loved here.

At present, his wages get paid into an account in my sole name! We're pretty skint, but he doesn't object to me spending money within our means. I do most of the financial sorting, so know better than he does what we have.

I don't think I need a leaving fund!

I would never, ever have joint finances with someone I wasn't married to. Nor would I ever put myself into a position where I was financially dependent, married or single. DH and I combined finances after we were legally married and not one second before.

I always wanted to be a SAHM, but it just never worked out that way for us. Now that our kids are grown and we're retired I look back at many of my SAHM friends (and read MN) and I am so thankful I was never financially dependent. We had a few rough patches over the years, as do many couples, and I know that being financially independent made me braver and stronger in fighting my corner.

I don't see a problem with anyone having a little 'slush fund' if it makes them feel better, male or female. I don't think having one says a damned thing about the state of anyone's marriage.

We have always had joint finances - married 38 years. I am the primary breadwinner.

About 3 years ago I opened a savings account and transfer $500 per pay period into it - at the time I got a big salary increase, so the take home did not change. I have not discussed this with DH, and I'm not quite sure why. There is no reason not to tell him, and we never have fought about money, so this is an odd one. Our relationship is rock solid, so it is not that. I suspect that nearing retirement age is a factor - last chance to put something away.

I look at it as something to leave the DGS's from me, not that it will be a huge amount of money, but something. It also gives me a good feeling that if something came up I could handle it without stressing - and make decisions that don't involve DH. Kind of a security blanket. I'm quite sad it never occurred to me to do this earlier in life - there could have been quite a little pot there by now!

Not running away money though.

I didn't set out to have a secret bank account, but I consistently overpaid each bill for years by £5-10 a month and started transferring that into a separate account when I realised I was about 6-9 months ahead on everything.

I was working on the principle that Shit Happens; redundancy, illness, accidents, fire/flood/plague of locusts and if it's not immediately obvious or discussed regularly, it's harder to dip into it for less than emergencies.

It's been a while since I had one, but some of my Redundancy Payment is heading that way when it hits my account this week. It makes me feel far more secure to know that I'm ahead on my bills and there's a bit of money sitting and waiting for when the shit hits the fan.

I don't know what BVU means but to your question YANBU

We used to have lots.of.seperate accounts but it was a headache . Now we use YNAB for budgeting but all the money goes through one account. Every once in a while we scoop some of it onto a.couple of different ISAs/ savings accounts in each of our names so that our current account doesn't have too much money in it
Ww had a monthly overdraft for years on that account but since using YNAB we always have a healthy balance.

We pool our money in this way because it is easier to manage ( much much easier in fact). We do end up with savings in each of our names though .

I’m a SAHM and we have 2 debit cards to the main account; one each. Never ask or tell him what I’m spending, it’s our money. Both spend whatever we want whenever we want. We also have standing orders that moves money into different saving accounts each month; one each for the kids and our main saving account.

It’s all very Barbara Taylor Bradford isn’t it - running away fund. I would think it very odd if I heard anyone in real life had one of these only ever hear about on mumsnet

@MsTSwift I suppose the terminology is a bit dramatic but certainly from my perspective, that's basically what it is - the money to leave and set myself up comfortably elsewhere, if necessary.

Everything we have goes into a shared account that we can both access. For years I was the sole earner and I think it would have been awful not to give dp the same access to our money. It would have been demeaning. Now he earns more than me, and our money is still shared.

We do the same OP, joint account for mortgage, bills, shared expenses (such as the food shop) - we split it based on a % of overall income ie the higher earner puts in 60% as they bring in 60% etc

After that it's our own money in our own accounts/savings

Ignore the need for financial independence at your peril

Yep!

Do any of you that place complete trust in your partner/spouse ever read the relationships board? Know ANYBODY that's been through a split/divorce? Especially where one part is working part time/sahp?

It's all well and good saying "I trust them" until the shit hits the fan and they show themselves to be untrustworthy?

I used to be that naive and then learned the hard way.

Ex and I had one joint account for everyday finances and one savings account in his name, even after becoming a sahm I never had to justify my spending to him, and I didn't feel beholden to him.

Then I caught him cheating and we split - within DAYS he had EMPTIED the current account and blocked me from accessing the savings account.

Before that I absolutely would have said he'd never do such a thing, if not to me then not dd. I had NO income I could access and a toddler to care for - he knew this!

I had to borrow from a friend and my parents just for food, call essential utilities providers to beg for grace periods until I could organise a new bank account and to be receiving the child benefit and tax credits into that account. I very luckily was able to find a full time job quickly and my parents gave me the money for dds nursery place until I got first pay.

I would advise anyone not to have their finances/bank accounts set up in such a way that if their relationship goes pear shaped they're stuck!

You really don't know what your partner/spouse would do in the event of a split until it happens.

There are many threads in relationships where people have been blindsided this way and I've definitely seen it happen a lot in real life too. Not just cash/bank accounts either but cars, jewellery, tech, furniture (in one case I know of a baby's cot was taken from the former marital home and given to the pregnant mistress!) even caravans disappearing - in one case I know of the couple had a business together and the husband somehow managed to get the wife removed from all the access to the business and it's funds!

"He'd never do that" are all too often famous last words uttered before that person has to deal with the fallout of an acrimonious split.

And it's not just if you split. Things can get very complicated in terms of access to bank accounts (especially if it's in one partners/spouses name but it's treated like a joint account by the couple) if one partner/spouse becomes incapacitated or dies, particularly if there's other relatives eg step children who may have a legal claim on the estate.

These things can take considerable time to sort out so having an alternative account and funds to cover emergencies makes sense.

"I love my husband hugely, we’re very happy, have been together a long time, and are on equal terms financially, but I firmly believe that everyone, regardless of their sex, should have sole access to money for emergencies." Excellently put.

"I think it's so sad that people have such a poor view of being in a relationship...I don't need a running away fund, if you feel you do you shouldn't be in that relationship" I'm sorry but I think that's an incredibly naive, over romanticised and impractical perspective

"I shudder at posters saying that they know their partners would be decent in the event of a break up." Me too! I think divorce lawyers opinions on this would be very interesting!

Even those saying "I'm not dependent because I have a job/career" that can disappear too, I am currently unable to work due to ill health, there's a significant number of mners who've become full time carers due to their child's health issues or an elderly parent - you never know what's around the corner.

"But surely of you're married and come to divorce there must be a full financial disclosure from both sides? All assets/savings will be considered as joint and divided up however the judge decides is appropriate to the case? This will soon be of interest to me sadly" it can take a LONG time to sort this out especially if one party drags their heels - my divorce took nearly 3 years to finalise thanks to ex's pratting about (partly financial nonsense, partly he was avoiding marrying wife 2, was telling her it was ME dragging it out)

"We've read so many stories here on mumsnet where the low / non earner never saw it coming" exactly!

"Not just for running away from your partner, but also your job if it becomes terrible." Also a good point! Plus for in the event of losing your job or becoming too unwell to work - at least as a buffer until (hopefully) benefits kick in.

Remember also you're more vulnerable if not married.

Question - if your relationship is SO great and your partner/spouse completely trustworthy why would having independent finances be a problem? Indeed as a few pps have argued that if you know your partner/spouse is dependent on you financially, if your relationship does go through a bad rough patch how would you know they're not just staying because they're stuck?

"I married someone I trust and he trusts me."

"But I think we should be careful who we chose to marry."

What on EARTH makes you think those of us that have been through separation/divorce didn't do the same?! How insulting! And bloody arrogant too if you've never been through a separation/divorce!

My ex's cheating was SO out of character his family & long term close friends genuinely thought he was ill! They were also shocked and embarrassed at his actions over finances. His dad was divorced before marrying his mum and carried on paying half that mortgage until the youngest was 18 and paid decent amount of cm without having to be chased to! So it certainly wasn't how he was raised to behave!

I'm with you OP. Of course it makes sense to pool finances for bills etc, and, in cases where one partner is the total or near-total breadwinner to allow the other partner access to the account into which that money goes.

But as someone else pointed out upthread, those of you saying that there's no point getting married if you don't trust your spouse/he's my best friend and I trust him implicitly etc: are none of you aware of the statistics on divorce?

It's just madness not to have a backup plan. I've genuinely never understood even the idea of pooling family money tbh. If I got married again (very unlikely), I would never pool finances.

I sincerely hope none of you need an escape plan but wouldn't you rather be prepared for the worst?

We pool everything. Because we are a team.

Surely everyone has their own savings? Otherwise you’re not taking advantage of your tax free savings allowance.

Well standard rate taxpayers are allowed £1000 pa in interest before tax (higher rate payers £500 - which is why all savings are in my name as a non tax payer). That’s a LOT of savings......

We have had a joint account since before we got married. I couldn't live with someone and be bothered splitting everything every day. Plus if you have kids together I don't understand why you wouldn't? It makes life so much easier and we buy what we want when we want (within reason) we both work. He earns a lot more than me now as I work part time, when we first got together we earned roughly equal. I bought more money/assets to the relationship earlier on. Life's too short and I don't feel like I need a running away fund!

We may have joint everything, but we do have a running away box if that counts. It has food, money, weapons and ammo, copies of passports and important documents. It’s buried out the way just Incase we need to run away.

......does that count?

scream don’t you think if you need weapons and ammo it’s likely to have gone beyond the stage where photo ID is a concern?

Joint account for all house bills. I earn more so used to add approx 200 extra to our joint every month to flesh it out but stopped when I found out DH was now getting a quarterly bonus which he spent completely on himself and would never have mentioned. I have a savings/rainy day savings account which I often have to dip into towards the end of the month and then my more serious savings account which I don't touch

Only if you marry an arsehole.

Given that most men are arseholes, it's good advice. Either that, or most of us stay single all our lives. Younger women are especially vulnerable to arseholes who pretend not to be.