AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

I call it F-U money.

I want to start a social trend that instead of paying for weddings, parents put aside a chunk of cash for their daughter (or son) to get out of a bad situation should it ever happen. Worst case scenario is the money sits there growing and can be used later in life.

We have our own pensions, savings and investments which are solely ours to do with as we want. I can't ever imagine being in a position where you have to discuss/account for expenditure on personal items with your oh. Okay, I expect most people don't (discuss it), but if you wanted, say, a large ticket item, like a car, if your money was pooled, surely it is something you would talk about? Whereas, if I am spending my own money, it's not a subject up for discussion. We share household expenses via a household account, into which we each pay money each month.
I do think though that we have this attitude because we were in our 40s when we got together, were both property owners and well used to looking after ourselves and our assets independently anyway. We have been together 24 years and recently got married. However, I do not see us as a 'team' at all. We are just two people who are happy together, but long partnership/marriage doesn't mean we are no longer individuals, in fact, we have very different interests.
I'm too decrepit to run away these days!

@Purpleartichoke that doesnt make sense.

Not many parents pay for the kids weddings. And what happens to women who need to escape but parents are skint?

Agreed @ShatnersWig, could have been better phrased.

I don’t need this. I can make my own money on a monthly basis so don’t need a fund. And like another poster, my DH is decent. As I am to him and we’d both be concerned with being fair to the other as a point of personality and pride even if the shit hit the fan.

For us all money is family money, we are 90% dependent on DH. We are happy, and there is no reason that would ever change.

I do not have a ready supply of cash should I need to run away and nor can I afford to accrue one. We do not have a shared or joint account; both our wages go into our own separate accounts. He works full-time whereas I'm a casual, day-to-day worker so his money is steady whilst mine is not; however, all benefits go into my account so we're almost even on that score. I pay some bills and he pays others - the ones we absolutely can't miss such as rent and council tax come from his account whereas the tv licence, various membership fees and fuel etc come from mine. We have the same (ie nothing) left over after that. If I ever did have to run away then I'd have to go to family who live close by. It wouldn't be easy and I couldn't stay long but I'd be able to get on my feet.

I would be utterly heartbroken if I found out DH was keeping a secret stash of money in preparation for running away. Lack of trust, lack of respect and a very low expectations.

I don't have seperate savings, all money is pooled together and we take £100 each for personal spending money per month and have joint savings. I don't see myself ever making seperate savings.

Everything is pooled and I wouldn't have married someone who wanted any separate finances. It is not necessary for either of us to have a running away fund.

I disagree with calling it a "Running Away Fund" but I think people, particularly women, need to think a bit more about their financial future in the event that they find themselves on their own, through death, divorce or separation.

I certainly have my own account, and access to money if I needed to leave suddenly/pay a deposit on a new home. I've been in the situation of not having enough money to get out of a horrible relationship, and I'll never allow myself to be in that position again.

Ignore the need for financial independence at your peril

Agree Margo. The number of women who have so little in their pensions is quite unbelievable.

I think I was well into adulthood before it even occurred to me that couples might not pool their money (aside from things like cash gifts, of course). If I want to spend money, I spend it, though both of us do discuss larger purchases before making them, because that's just how we do things in our home (and that's how it is between my parents, too).

I can see how some people in vulnerable positions (usually women) might need a private account, but no, I don't think every woman needs a "Running Away Fund". I'm confident I don't, but I do understand that the ones who need that kind of "hidden" or private money often don't realise it will be necessary until it suddenly is.

I think whilst your thread title is sensationalist you do make some valid points that could apply to some people

We have separate credit cards, does that count as having access to separate money in an emergency?

My husband earns 5x what I earn part time. All of our money if paid into a joint current account and whatever is left over at the end of the month is paid into my sole savings account, which is only sole because the ISA had the best interest rate at the time we opened it and I manage our finances. So I’m entirely dependent (near enough) on my husband but all of the savings are in my name. He’s fine with that.

As for can I spend money or do I feel bad? No, it’s joint money so we can both buy whatever we want. We discuss any big purchases but I’m out and see a dress I like for £80 or whatever there would never be an issue with me buying it.

My dh would think I had gone mental if I had this. We are both reasonable adults and work as a team. Wouldn’t have got married otherwise

Absolutely , both male and female especially if there is stay at home partner , then it should be absolutely equal
Savings . I shudder at posters saying that they know their partners would be decent in the event of a break up. Ensuring my children are educated and pursue a career with a view to absolute individual financial
Independence is one of our top priorities raising our children , both male and female . Have a look on the relationships board to see the importance of this in my opinion.

We actually decided on joint finances when I was pregnant with our first. I suggested it because my dad has always given my mum an ‘allowance’ and it was never enough, she was constantly skint and having to beg him for money, he loved that he had the power to make her poor while she was at home with us despite the fact that he was going out and drinking and going on solo holidays all the time. My husband suggested transferring me a portion of his income when I went part time but that wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to have to ask to buy the kids clothes and shoes and to go food shopping.

Me being part time means I do the vast majority of the food shopping, Christmas shopping, house admin, bill paying, birthday presents, school uniform shopping etc. It makes no sense for me to pay for it all without it coming from the family money

We pool everything and always have done and we’ve been married for 30 years. But we’ve both got money stashed in our own names too (ISAs etc) that we could access in an emergency. I trust my DH 100%, but I’d never let myself get into a position where I was financially vulnerable and relying solely on any other person.

So many women dependent on men to live and yet also the ones left with the children to support. It’s a fucked up world. My rules for myself are:

• Don’t live a life I can’t pay half of
• Don’t leave myself unable to live comfortably on my own earnings
• Don’t have kids I can’t afford single handedly (maybe not to the same level of comfort as on two salaries but I know I can support my kids alone if I have to).

Too many women taking the easy road until it’s suddenly a bloody dead end.

I am a SAHM and my DH works full time but on an average (at best!) wage. His wages go into his account and the child benefits we receive go into mine as I’m in charge of purchases for DC, food shopping and general stuff like that. He takes care of the rent and bills, but we have access to each other’s accounts.

We don’t really have anything to put into a savings account at the end of each month so it’s not an option for us. If we do have a bit spare we put it into an account for our DC.

We rely on each other to be upfront and open about our finances. We will always discuss big purchases in advance and that’s how we have to work together.

I’m not naive, my ex before I met DH was incredibly financially controlling and I was young and stupid naive. I can spot the signs of it from a mile off now!

Would I like to have my own savings? Of course, so would my DH. When my DC are of school age I’m going back to work and I’m hoping that’s when we can start to build on that. But I would never keep it secret or consider it a running away fund.

I love my partner, he loves me. He is wonderful. I still have my own bank accounts and savings because you never know. There have been countless threads of people whose partners chuck them out with no warning.

We have all shared accounts and have done since we moved in together some 23 years. DH now earns substantially more than I do and has done for a while now.

However, all shared accounts are equally accessible to both of us. Neither of us has to ask to spend money, though for larger purchases we would do anyway. We both have full access to the accounts and our names are on both equally.

We do have some individual savings plans. Infact much of the saving is actually in my name. Again I know about them all and how to access them, though we normally use our IFA for dealing with them. We also both have pension schemes set up individually.

Whilst I am financially dependent on having the current lifestyle we lead we are very much a partnership, I do have the means to support myself should I need too - both through work and savings.