AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

[longwayoff]

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

I married someone I trust and he trusts me. We earn about the same and we save together for OUR future.

I think if I ever thought i needed a "running a way fund just in case" the whole thing is doomed anyway.

I wouldn't be very impressed if he was keeping money secrets from me and neither would he if i was doing it.

When I suspected my ex husband was having an affair, I started saving money in separate account, and called it my running away fund I had saved over 1 thousand, which was a lot 30 years ago, for me, unfortunately he admitted the affair , although wouldn't tell me who it was, and promised it had stopped, and suggested we use the money for a family holiday. He went out on his own for a walk every evening of the holiday, leaving me with the children and I realized he was going to the local Phone box to ring her( pre mobiles). So instead of running away, I went to a solicitor, divorced him and chucked him out, he had to pay the legal expenses. Luckily I was working full time, and although it was a struggle, I managed to pay the mortgage and keep the house.

My income is entirely dependent on DH as he employs me. He earns about 3x what I do.
Separate bank accounts but all money is shared. Savings all in my name for tax reasons (and we don’t have much due to having to spend it in the recent past on paying the mortgage)
I don’t have a running away fund.

If he left me, I’d be screwed financially. No job, no income.
I’d go & live with my parents.

I'm glad I did.
Because I was able to sort myself out after the split, he accused me of stealing from him! He was so very bad with money.

That’s a solid idea in theory but to the average cash strapped family where every penny earned is spent by the end of the month its a bit pie in the sky.

@minipie you dont have to do anything.

The house you live in now doesnt really matter, because judges prefer clean break divorces. Theres no given you would stay in the house.

When I divorced I was aware I could but a house and live on my wage with 2 kids. That's why I stopped at 2. Because it was important to me to know I could ho my own way without relying on an ex.

And it worked out.

I do worry that people really think they will know how people will act during a split but the dont. Exh started having mental health issues 12 years into our marriage. No signs of it before then. It ended with him attacking me a few years later. He had a full in breakdown. And never recovered. He quit his job and became self employed and moves every few months. He doesnt pay the very minimal CSA that he should.

But it's ok, because I bought a smaller house, can pay all the bill and have luxuries for me and the kids. So much easier than trying to get out with non if my own money.

But then I have never had an overwhelming need to be a sahm long term. Exh asked me all the time if I wanted to. I felt happier having my own money and financial independence. Some peoples families and individuals would rather be at home That's fine too but its not for me.

So no 'you should do x'. But it's what I did.

I don’t need a running away fund. Neither does dh.

I wouldn’t dream of marrying someone that I didn’t trust enough to pool incomes.

All money that comes into this house is joint. All assets are in both our names (the one thing we don’t share is a name!) We don’t have our own accounts, even the credit cards are held jointly. We both spend as we see fit. We have similar attitudes to money.

I don’t care what anyone else does - if it works for them that’s great.

My ex and I had separate accounts and then paid into a joint account for bills. I would not have wanted totally shared money. He was and still is crap with money. And it's not big ticket items you would discuss it's a drip drip drip of buying crap and living above means.

I am glad I had my own account with a little put by and still earned full time and was not reliant on him - it enabled me to make the decisions I wanted to about ending my marriage without too many worries about my financial future (I am not rolling in it but I can support myself and my children)

I married someone I trust and he trusts me. We earn about the same and we save together for OUR future.

So did I, right up to the point where he had an affair and left me with two small children.

Thank goodness, I had kept up with my career albeit on a part-time basis and I had an account of my own with money in it - because there was a gap between him leaving and the child maintenance kicking in. Not to mention there is a massive difference between what we were sharing as a couple and what he went on to contribute to raising his children via the CSA.

Thank goodness I also had my own pension and carried on paying into it - because I won't ever be getting anything from his!

I want to shake some of the posters on this thread (metaphorically of course) and tell them to wise up and be their own best financial advocate.

I agree wholeheartedly. I've been burnt by not having one as have a lot of people I know, both male and female.

Everyone should have a running away fund, a shit hits the fan fund and general savings (if at all possible).

It's the main reason why I will never judge anyone on benefits or who have to use a food bank, you never ever know what's around the corner to hit you or how hard it will hit you.

I wish to god I'd had a running away stash. Nobody gets into a relationship thinking they'll ever need one but I will never link finances with someone else again.

Don’t have kids I can’t afford single handedly

My mantra too.

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner.

What about a husband? That makes a big difference to how things pan out if it goes pear-shaped.

The first row I almost had with my now husband was about organising finances. My parents had always had separate accounts (Dad gave Mum the housekeeping by transferring it into her account), his had always had joint, although some "mirrored" savings accounts in sole names.

We have a joint current and savings account, plus some mirrored savings in sole names. And it has been useful. Because there have been periods when he wasn't working and I was, periods when I wasn't working and he was, periods when we both earned about the same and periods when one earned more than the other.

Throughout it all, household bills were paid and we both spent what we fancied on things that were just for us, but with the understanding that if it was going to be a significant spend we would discuss it first. Actually his threshold for significant spend is lower than mine... he asks if it's OK to buy something, when I've already bought something that cost more without asking him.

And if it did go pear-shaped, well I know the passwords to all the online accounts and he doesn't.

No. But I think we should be careful who we chose to marry.

We pool everything and are happy with this.

@Hidingwhoami I totally agree.
The automatic assumption on here that women always have less. I don't have a running away fund, neither does DH. We earn similar wages, both work full time, both own our house etc.

I 100% trust my DH. Call me naïve, call be stupid but I do. I know he won't just up and leave. I know he would never take our son away from me or hurt our son.
Yes there are many people on the relationship boards on here who's life suddenly fell apart, but the truth is that for those people who's life hasn't just fallen apart, well they aren't likely to start a thread about it are they.

Verily so if you were on an average wage, say £25k, you wouldn't realistically be able to afford 2 kids single handidly. If your dh was on £150k you would serously not have children with him because you personally couldn't afford It?

Obviously this thread is not referring to those who just can’t afford to save.

Well the thread title refers to 'every woman' 🤷‍♀️

@Stifledlife totally agree. It would make me very nervous not to have my own bank and savings account.

We pool everything and we rely mainly on his income as he earns a good wage and I have a chronic health condition so earn pittance.

However I am in charge of managing the finances and probably spend most of the money as he is always at work!

I don't feel the need for a running away fund as I can't ever imagine needing to. However a lot of our savings are in my name as that works better tax wise so I often remind him (in jest!!) that he'd be stuffed if he ever did the dirty on me!

@InDubiousBattlei had 2 kids. Big gap. Because I knew thays what I could afford alone.

But couldnt have afforded to2 sets of child care fees.

As I said, it worked out for me. I felt happier knowing I had financial security and child afford everything independently.

I grew up in a very poor single parent household. I always promised I would di my best to avoid that situation

We have one account. All money goes into it. All bills get paid on the 1st, what's left is to live on and spend. We check what's available or due to go out with each other if we want to buy something expensive and we have never had enough left over to save anything.

It works for us regardless of who has been working or not, or who earns more. We have been together 37years, I'd feel quite sad if I had a "leaving fund".

YABU OP and also very odd.

If I thought I needed a “running away fund” from DH, I wouldn’t be with him at all. What a way to live.

Money pooled, bills paid, savings deposited, surpluses shared equally

Yep, same.

Yanbu.
Stbxh was fantastic for 10 years of our relationship. Then one day he wasn't. And he wasn't again. And again. And again. Until he changed, I didn't get a special savings account, so it meant when I did eventually go, I'm stuck in shitty accommodation and no prospect of getting out soon.