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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

268 replies

longwayoff · 22/07/2019 13:09

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 22/07/2019 14:51

- Don’t live a life I can’t pay half of
- Don’t leave myself unable to live comfortably on my own earnings
- Don’t have kids I can’t afford single handedly (maybe not to the same level of comfort as on two salaries but I know I can support my kids alone if I have to).

This is an excellent list even if you do pool your money!

My husband and I pay an equal amount into the bills account (which covers EVERYTHING - even meals out and joint savings). But if one of us lost our job, the other can cover both person's contributions.

In simple maths = say, 4k coming in, earn 2k each, put 1k each into bills. 1k left for personal spends and saves.

I don't have a running away fund. I just have money that is wholly mine. I'm not worried about the faux pity of the 'family money' brigade - it's a bit pathetic if you can't maintain a relationship without entirely enmeshing yourself financially with the other person!

12 years and counting, my husband and I are doing just fine.

Kungfupanda67 · 22/07/2019 14:57

it's a bit pathetic if you can't maintain a relationship without entirely enmeshing yourself financially with the other person!

I’m sure I could maintain a relationship without sharing money, but I don’t want to, nor does he. We share everything because it’s easier, I’m in charge of money stuff so he doesnt have to worry about it - we have 3 kids and both work (I work pt), when we do get 5 minutes peace we’ve got better things to talk about than money so we just treat it as a non-issue. It helps that we’re both naturally good with money anyway though

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 15:06

We pool money. DH earns a lot more than me but I manage all the money and the accounts. We contribute to pension/long term savings 50/50 under each individuals names but I stash them in different ways due to the different tax bands. He probably wouldn't be able to tell you his take home pay, or where I keep each pot of money. It's probably him that needs his own running away fund!

Aragog · 22/07/2019 15:10

it's a bit pathetic if you can't maintain a relationship without entirely enmeshing yourself financially with the other person!

What a strange comment!

Our financial arrangements do not define our relationship. However, our arrangements do work for us. It isn't something we really discuss much unless we are setting a new investment or saving up.

29.5 years and counting, my husband and I are doing just fine. Hmm

HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2019 15:12

I’ve been unemployed for 4yrs so am dependent and it does get me down. I manage the finances and have access to everything though. We went through some shit a few years ago and he is aware how vulnerable I feel so has actively said I should keep money aside to ‘run away’ until I feel I don’t need it. We don’t have money spare really so I have about 1400quid which will get me nowhere with 3 kids and living abroad.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/07/2019 15:14

Normally when I’m working I can afford to support myself and the kids, but jobs have been elusive here

Gatehouse77 · 22/07/2019 15:23

DH and I have separate accounts to maximise interest rates but we budget as one amount and move money between accounts as needed. Direct debits are split as a condition of the account.
We both have access to each other’s accounts. We sit regularly together to go through our money and make sure we’re on target for specific saving goals, adjust monthly budgets as needed, keep a check on spending money, etc.
We don’t ask permission to spend money but we will discuss any large purchases or what limits to set on certain things.
I have never considered having a ‘running away fund’.

Goodnightchristopherrobin · 22/07/2019 15:27

I have my salary and could always provide for myself financially, I don’t need a ‘running away fund’ as I would never allow myself to be dependent on a man.

Liz79 · 22/07/2019 15:53

It's always handy to have a supply of ready cash. But surely of you're married and come to divorce there must be a full financial disclosure from both sides? All assets/savings will be considered as joint and divided up however the judge decides is appropriate to the case? This will soon be of interest to me sadly

Happyspud · 22/07/2019 15:57

Liz79, unfortunately there’s many shades of fair in a court. I hope you are able to rely on your ex being fair because the courts can only do so much.

YouJustDoYou · 22/07/2019 15:59

We have a joint account and I have one of my own where the money I earn online par time goes into. I also have saved and am saving an emergency fund in the event he runs off/dies/decides the kids a d I do t get a penny etc- not that he's Like that, or shown form for it, but...you never know, do you?

insideoutsider · 22/07/2019 15:59

I'm always amazed by threads like this where so many women talk about absolute trust in another human being. They are human after all and things can change.

Here's how I think about it.
If either member of the partnership decides to pull out today, where will it leave them? If both partners locked the accounts in their name, how would each survive?
For the high earner, their wage from that month could be automatically redirected to a different account. For the lower / non earner, how much will they have to use at the end of that month? This is especially true where there is currently nothing left over because if one earns but decided that month to pay no bills and to just walk out, the non earner would be really screwed.

We've read so many stories here on mumsnet where the low / non earner never saw it coming, had a wonderful trusting relationship until they learned their partner was cheating / became abusive / controlling etc and couldn't leave especially because they had no money of their own to get emergency accommodation anywhere.

When my exH disconnected the electricity on his way out to work one day during my maternity leave is the first time I thought it could ever happen to me. I cut my ML and went straight back to work. Thank goodness for the measely £2000 I had in savings. When he threatened to kill me one day, it was all I needed to get 3 nights in a hotel room with my DC and deposit and first month rent on a small house.

It doesn't have to be a secret running-away-fund. It should be discussed when all is well for each person to have a certain amount in their own name, should the unthinkable happen. It could even be a bank account compromise, IT problems, becoming incapacitated or whatever else.

No one ever expects it to happen to them.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 22/07/2019 16:01

Yes. All women should have a running away fund, because - as any Mumsnetter knows - all men are predatory abusers.

Equally, men definitely shouldn't have a running away fund, because any man who secretly stashes money away in anticipation of leaving his partner is a CF, and so she should therefore LTB.

Love Mumsnet 😂

YouJustDoYou · 22/07/2019 16:02

@Liz79, it's the amount of time it takes to access that money, if it gets accessed at all. Some women have been completely cut off from any money as darling dh has drained the joint account etc, or, he was paying the bills but suddenly decides he won't do that anymore because he "doesn't want the wife spending it onherself"/ow now gf gets the money spent on her instead, etc etc. Better not to rely on sudden/continued monetary access.

thecatsthecats · 22/07/2019 16:03

Kungfupanda67 and Aragog

I didn't mean that enmeshing your finances is pathetic.

Just that if you think that the ONLY way to be a healthy, committed couple is to completely enmesh finances, then your relationship is founded on shaky grounds.

Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 16:04

These threads all assume that the majority or women do not have autonomy or their own money.

How do you run away when the house is half yours?

Or the assets are you and in your name and you arent married?

Yet again, its assumed that all women must be in the position of having less. It's like people cant entertain, that actually, the woman could have more

YouJustDoYou · 22/07/2019 16:06

Yes. All women should have a running away fund, because - as any Mumsnetter knows - all men are predatory abusers

The fact it's such a prolific occurance that many women know what an "Emergency Fund" really means doesn't say ALL men are predatory abusers, obviously, but that it happens SO OFTEN that it's generally seen as a good idea. Sorry I had to womansplain that to you, @slightlymisplacedsingledad. Not sure you'll still understand though.

OrchidInTheSun · 22/07/2019 16:06

You only have to look at the relationships board on here to see how many women feel secure because they look after the home and the kids and their husband fucks off (or turns out to be a monster) and they are absolutely fucked.

Even if it's just a grand saved up over years, save it.

No adult should be entirely financially reliant on another human being.

MonstranceClock · 22/07/2019 16:10

I think people who have all of their income in a joint account are very stupid. I would never have a joint account, or a joint mortgage. My money, my house. All PEOPLE should have seperate money for starting again if they need to. Not just women. And as it's usually the man who leaves the family home, I think it's more important that they have a few months rent saved up somewhere.

SimonJT · 22/07/2019 16:11

My previous partner and I had our wages paid into the joint account, all bills etc were paid from this account it was the account we used for spending money. We then both had our own savings account, so each money we would both take the same amount of money from the joint account into our own savings account.

I did the above with both of my ex partners, it worked well for us, I earned significantly more than one and the other was essentially unemployed for the most of the time. But in a relationship earnings are shared, they don’t belong to one person.

REllenR · 22/07/2019 16:13

@thecatsthecats I totally disagree - I wouldn't marry someone who wanted separate finances - I understand different approaches work for different couples but separate accounts wouldn't work for me. We both have a very healthy and similar attitude to finances and a rock solid relationship based on strong foundations.

Sindragosan · 22/07/2019 16:14

We have joint current account but separate savings accounts for tax reasons. If you want an isa, best to have one each.

While I get its just not possible for everyone to have savings, a rainy day fund is sensible whether it's for the boiler breaking in the middle of winter or your DH bonking the entire secretarial pool.

taylorowmu · 22/07/2019 16:14

@user1480880826

Surely everyone has their own savings? Otherwise you’re not taking advantage of your tax free savings allowance.

Surely you are aware not everyone is in a position to have any savings, let alone enough to need to make use of tax free allowances?

There are people on here that can't even afford a loaf of bread fgs.

Aragog · 22/07/2019 16:15

My money, my house

So do you have two houses then, as a couple? One yours, one his? Which do you live in?

Not everyone can afford two homes between them.

InTheEvening · 22/07/2019 16:18

If I'm allowed a private running away fund, say, of £50,000 that's hidden from my DH then surely DH is allowed a private running away fund of £50,000 too. Fair?

Luckily I don't feel the need and everything is joint. It works for us.

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