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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Every woman should have a private Running Away Fund

268 replies

longwayoff · 22/07/2019 13:09

I wouldn't dream of pooling income if sharing a home with a partner. My account, his account and a shared household account. Is anyone completely reliant on a partner's income? Can you spend the shared money as if it were your own or does it make you uncomfortable?

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 22/07/2019 16:19

So do you have two houses then, as a couple? One yours, one his? Which do you live in?

No, my house is my house. Dp doesnt own a house. We arent having kids if we were and he was going to be a sahp I would.

I see no reason to join assets. He earns his own money and I do. I have said I would put his name on the house if/when he saved up the same amount of money I have in equity in the house.

I might not. We are looking at inheritance implications

I dont really feel i need to combine my money or assets with anyone. And it works as we both work full time.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 16:21

I don’t need a running away fund. My DH is the gentlest man alive. 😂 He needs one.

Taswama · 22/07/2019 16:21

Not just for running away from your partner, but also your job if it becomes terrible.

Ilovemylabrador · 22/07/2019 16:24

All property is in my sole name. Not married. DP has no assets apart from a couple of fast cars but has lots of cash and large income / pension.

If we did get married he has agreed to sign a waiver signing he has no rights to any of the properties as I had them before we met. I earn a large income and have a large pension to come - we will share incomes and he can live rent free but with no claim on the houses. We will have it legally drawn up. Likewise my stuff all goes to my children houses income and pension should anything happen to me. But if something happens to him it all comes to me. Bit unfair maybe for him but imo he will be living rent free until I die or sell

DrCoconut · 22/07/2019 16:34

Its a bit naive to say your OH is decent and therefore you aren't worried about what would happen in the event of a split. All the unreasonable ex's over on relationships, divorce etc were once decent partners, together for life, a team etc. You really can't predict if someone will be a shit if the relationship goes belly up. Better to be able to manage alone and have access to money in the immediate aftermath if it happens.

Nothingmuch · 22/07/2019 16:39

Absolutely agree with this. Also have your personal important papers (passport, birth certificate etc) separate for a quick get away.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 16:43

All the unreasonable ex's over on relationships, divorce etc were once decent partners,..

All the unreasonable ex’s I know have always been total dicks.

Taswama · 22/07/2019 16:43

@Purpleartichoke - just finished a book called the Map of Love. Set in Egypt in 1900, a Muslim man marries an English woman and gives her a sum of money on marriage to be kept as insurance in case of divorce. The notes at the back says this is the Muslim tradition, no idea if that’s still true.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 16:44

Also have your personal important papers (passport, birth certificate etc) separate for a quick get away.

If I ever thought I might need to make a quick getaway from my husband, I wouldn’t be married to him.

How horribly sad.

minipie · 22/07/2019 16:44

*- Don’t live a life I can’t pay half of

  • Don’t leave myself unable to live comfortably on my own earnings
  • Don’t have kids I can’t afford single handedly (maybe not to the same level of comfort as on two salaries but I know I can support my kids alone if I have to).*

This is bizarre. My DH is a high earner, I am not (I used to be but stopped). Should we live in a much less nice house than we do, because I couldn’t afford half of it on my own? Should the DC not go to private school, because I couldn’t afford it on my own? Should I work long hours and get a nanny to look after the DC rather than being a SAHM, even though there’s no need and life is much easier and less stressful all round with me at home , just so I have financial independence?

bee222 · 22/07/2019 16:45

We don't pool our money together. We share the bills and our own money is to do what we like with. If we want to make a large purchase/stuff for the house, we equally contribute to it. If I fancy buying something for me, I take it out of my own savings. I will never ever rely on a man for money, and he doesn't rely on me if he wants to buy something.

I have my own savings which I view as my personal safety net. We never know what might happen in the future, so it makes sense to have your own money set aside somewhere just in case. It's absolutely nothing to do with a lack of trust - I trust my partner completely.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 22/07/2019 16:48

Surely everyone has their own savings? Otherwise you’re not taking advantage of your tax free savings allowance.

Not a problem if you don't save enough to go over that allowance.

We have separate accounts and both contribute to a joint account. We also have a couple of savings accounts between us. I'm 'in charge' of the finances though, don't know why, it's just how things happened. I wouldn't make any large purchasing decisions without talking to DH, but, I suppose, given that the savings account with the most money in is solely in my name, if necessary I would have a running away fund.

Faith50 · 22/07/2019 16:48

I agree with having a joint account and Iindividual savings. I have no savings - not even £1000. I save for the short term I.e. breaks with friends but this amounts to less than £1000 per year. Our monthly 'pocket money' is £80.

coffeeandgin26 · 22/07/2019 16:51

Nope. All shared/family money here. Don't have enough spare money at the end of the month to put anything aside anyway, but my partner isn't a dick and even if we split up, I know he would want his children cared for properly.

mindutopia · 22/07/2019 16:52

I don’t need a running away account as I make and have my own money. We have a joint account for household bills and dc’s expenses that we pay into monthly, but we don’t otherwise pool our money.

I can’t quite get my head around the idea of having a joint account that we would use for all our in/out goings. That sounds like a nightmare in terms of planning and budgeting. I work and earn well (as does dh), we share the costs of children (and the work of the admin, school runs, etc), and I like having my own money. Obviously, neither of us ever wants for money in an emergency and we share it freely between us when needed. But I like having control over my money and honestly have no need to be policing what dh spends his money on either. If I wanted to ‘run away’ (and I don’t), I’d just use my own money.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 22/07/2019 16:53

I don’t have one and don’t plan too. But I’m reasonably secure in that I have family I could stay with for an extended time and I’m married so ultimately would have a claim on any assets.

Happyspud · 22/07/2019 16:55

Minipie, the first I guess you can ignore for as long as you can get away with it/as long as he’s willing to subsidise you. But I stand by the second and third point.

Phimma · 22/07/2019 16:56

Our money is joint - house, personal spending etc, in addition we have savings and ISA's in our own names for obvious reason, there's a limit you can save each year, but keep it the same amount in his and hers savings. We are a partnership hence there's never been a problem in having a joint household.

thegreylady · 22/07/2019 16:58

We only have joint accounts but dh doesn’t know (can’t remember) the PIN for the savings account. I have complete freedom to spend/buy what I want. He doesn’t want access to online banking so I check it.
All that we have is ‘ours’.

mindproject · 22/07/2019 17:00

I have never been reliant on anyone since childhood. Apart from maternity leave and periods spent travelling I've always worked. I bought my house when single and always owned it in my sole name. I did have a joint bank account once in a relationship and it did not work out well, I would never get one again under any circumstances.

It's important to keep finances as separate as possible, because nobody knows how long their relationship/marriage is going to last and no partner can ever be trusted 100%. Some fairly reasonable partners turn into total monsters after they split up.

lyralalala · 22/07/2019 17:01

I think everyone should have an account in their own name with something in it. Not specifically as a running away account, but in case anything happens to the other person. I had a colleague whose husband had the same name and DOB as someone suspected of fraud and their joint account was frozen as part of the investigation. It only took a couple of days to sort as he had a middle name, but it was their only account.

We have joint account, joint savings and then our own spends account. After a very difficult weekend once our own spends accounts at at different banks to each others and the joint account. Just in case there is another NatWest going down for a weekend style event for a bank again.

InDubiousBattle · 22/07/2019 17:02

hercule I agree, every man i've ever known that has been an arsehole after a divorce was one before it too. Never known someone go from being a thoroughly decent, lovely person to an absolute knob. I'm a SAHM so earn nothing, all money is family money.

Don't live a life I can't pay half of

So if you earn £25k and your dh earns £150k you would live in a tiny 2 bed terrace with no treats or holidays because that's what you could afford half of?

lyralalala · 22/07/2019 17:03

We put all money into the joint account. Bills and any spending for the children comes from there. We each take an amount into our personal spends to do with as we wish.

Lazypuppy · 22/07/2019 17:03

Completely agree OP. I will never full merge mine and my partners money/income.

In my eyes I don't see a reason why its needed. We have seperate accounts a d a joint account for joint bills

user1480880826 · 22/07/2019 17:03

@taylorowmu ok, I should have said everyone who has savings has some in their own name.

Obviously this thread is not referring to those who just can’t afford to save.