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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my friend should have given some consideration to her wedding guests?

183 replies

Googoogoogoogoo · 21/07/2019 13:46

My friend recently got married. She and her DH decided they wanted a “small and intimate” wedding as they don’t have many friends and don’t get along with their families.

My DH and I felt really honoured to be included but after the wedding it was clear she had given no consideration to her guests!

They got married at a registry office and my friend asked if I would pick her up and take her, so she could put some decorations for the reception and other bits in my car. Of course I had no problems with this but when we arrived my friend asked me to park in the nearest car park which is a “long stay” and ended up costing me 25 quid for six hours. She didn’t offer to pay and I felt bad asking her on her wedding day so decided to let it go, but I thought this was super cheeky.

My friend and her DH decided to hold the reception in a function room in a restaurant and sent out invites via FB messenger with a list of menu choices. After the ceremony we get to the reception and my friends father did a speech before dinner is served. He ended his speech with “thank you all for coming, and for contributing to the costs of the meal, I know (friend) and (her husband) have struggled with money so they appreciate it”. Everyone looked a bit confused but it soon became clear that we were to pay for own meals, and the 3 courses we had pre ordered were £70 each! Sad drinks were also not included and had to be paid for ourselves. Me and DH were miffed, we aren’t the richest of people and it cost us £165 to attend my friends wedding. If friend had pre-warned us we could have saved a bit but she didn’t tell anyone we had to pay for ourselves.

Added to this, me and DH clubbed together £100 as a wedding gift for them and we haven’t heard from them since. The wedding was in May and no thank you card or message or anything.

I’m really actually cross about this and wonder if I’m BU. I get that the wedding should be what the bride and groom wants but I think my friend and her DH have been CFs.

OP posts:
Bored40 · 22/07/2019 18:37

I think it's pretty unanimous that it's out of order.
I have been to two weddings of skint couples recently. Neither had families who were in a position to provide much financial help. The first couple had a really small/simple ceremony (it wasn't registry office but somewhere council owned and inexpensive). The reception was at a local cricket club hall and was a community owned venture, no frills - they got the room hire for free on condition that the bar was on (so guests were paying for drinks, but they were budget pub prices) Mother in law and other relatives put together a cold buffet just as you would a birthday party. They were honest with people before they sent the invites that it would be no frills because they just wanted to get married (not get into debt or to have a showcase event) and it was lovely.

The second couple wanted to get married quickly, for religious reasons, again didn't have much help. Tiny wedding. They held it on a weekday to reduce the cost, explained in advance to all prospective guests that they could let them know before invites if that was too big an ask, because they couldn't afford a weekend do and they had more people they wanted to invite than they could afford so wouldnt take offense if other people couldn't afford time off from work etc. They saved enough for food but gave advanced warning that they couldn't afford drinks other than toasts, or any extras like transport or evening snacks. There were little bits of luxury but only things that were important to the bride and groom (eg small amount of certain flowers that held a significance) Venue was central and finished in time for public transport, so no accommodation needed.

In both cases the couples limited unnecessary expense for themselves and guests, were upfront and were open to polite declines without taking offence. Ironically in both cases I got the impression that they received very generous wedding gifts, because those that could afford to do so wanted to help out as they knew it would be genuinely appreciated and wasn't expected (both stipulated no gifts required but cash gifts if people wanted, the first couple towards a honeymoon, the second towards a (rental) house deposit/costs so they could move in together)

Motoko · 22/07/2019 18:42

OP, are you coming back?

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 22/07/2019 18:43

You've just found the reason they have few friends. They're CFs Wink

suzy2b · 22/07/2019 18:43

I can't believe how much people are giving as presents I went to my nieces wedding last year and gave £80

carlywurly · 22/07/2019 19:01

@Rainbowknickers that's bloody awesome Grin

I remember a long time ago going to the very small (think 20 or so) wedding of a close friend. She was from an extremely wealthy family. After the ceremony the brides father headed to the bar and returned with a tray of 10 drinks, for immediate family only. The rest of us had to go to the bar and pay for ours. It just struck me as so incredibly mean.

Leeds2 · 22/07/2019 19:04

Have you had a look on the restaurant's menu (the one she cut and pasted for the invitation) to see what the actual price of what you ordered would be?

manicmij · 22/07/2019 19:08

That is awful cheek. What kind of couple who cannot manage to fund wedding chooses a place costing £70 a head for the meal alone. That wasn't a wedding, it was a let's make mugs of folk day out for the pair.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 22/07/2019 19:09

...which is why they don't have many friends and don't get on well with family!! Unbelievably cheeky!! Honestly, the brass neck of choosing such an expensive place to eat out, if they weren't paying and not forewarning you all. Tbh, the father sounds a CF too as he should have been paying for it if they couldn't afford to!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/07/2019 19:25

£70 a head for a meal in a function room seems a lot, I wonder if it was less and they were trying to make a profit

I'll bet the guests have paid for the "top table".

ReanimatedSGB · 22/07/2019 19:35

I would have been thrown into a real panic, because (like a PP) I would probably simply not have had the money: I am on a low income and might well have gone to the wedding with £20 for drinks and my fare home, and had nothing in the bank. What do people do if that happens to them?

parkrunhun · 22/07/2019 19:48

DH and I were invited to a wedding that was a 2 hr flight away. Got a phone call from the groom to say there wasn't room for us for the meal (stately home in the countryside) so after the ceremony we would be sent on a bus to the nearest town (never did specify but assumed we would feed ourselves wherever we fancied ? McDonald's in all our finery) and then we could make our own way back for the disco later!

We declined funny enough!

After reading this I suppose I should be glad that they at least told us before we spent any money !

PeachyPeachTrees · 22/07/2019 19:51

I would have no problem demanding the £25 for parking after that meal stunt they pulled.
Definitely find out how much the meal really cost per head and if you covered others.

headlock · 22/07/2019 19:59

And then to go and accept your £100 gift too!! Pure cheek.

Jessie94 · 22/07/2019 20:03

That's awful!

I would have had to leave - I just wouldn't have been able to pay for my food.

If you can't afford a wedding - don't have one.

loveyou3000 · 22/07/2019 20:27

I never have £70 to just spend, I'd have had to leave very red faced. Awful

ReanimatedSGB · 22/07/2019 20:51

It's perfectly possible to have an affordable wedding without ripping off your guests. I know there are some MNers who think it's outrageous to be asked to bring food and drink etc, or moan if the reception is sandwiches in the community hall rather than a sit-down dinner, but lots of people either can't afford a lavish reception or would prefer to spend their money on other things, but also want to celebrate with their friends and family, so arrange a bring-your-own party.

HorridHenrysNits · 22/07/2019 20:57

And those are great. If you don't want to go to a wedding where you're expected to financially contribute by bringing a dish you can decline, and if you do want to, bringing a dish is probably much cheaper than paying for your own three course meal!

Unfinishedkitchen · 22/07/2019 20:59

People are definitely becoming more entitled about their ‘special day’. I’m still sore at putting £100 in an envelope without receiving even so much as a group thank you WhatsApp. The happy couple are TTC and I’ll be far less generous with the baby’s present.

Bibijayne · 22/07/2019 21:03

That's awful! Can't believe they didn't forewarn. I'd have kept the gift back in such a scenario.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 22/07/2019 21:27

I think we can all agree why this couple dont have many friends...

Catsinthecupboard · 22/07/2019 23:32

I would have recinded my gift and replaced it with a token. Pulled money from envelope or simply returned the gift.

Good riddens to bad rubbish. I am sorry you were tricked into spending money on a cf.

Celestine70 · 23/07/2019 01:06

I would have got up and left but that's me.

SherbrookeFosterer · 23/07/2019 02:01

Laugh it off.

Your friends are just not used to organising social events.

As you say, they have poor family relationships and few friends, so little need, nor opportunity to acquire the necessary skills.

I would be more sad their wedding was a shambles than annoyed.

Let's just hope they stay married so they can compensate you all with a lavish all paid for silver wedding anniversary, a silver knees up at least!

PompeyBez · 23/07/2019 06:05

YANBU!! the B&G are rude and entitled!! CFs!! How about popping the link to this thread on her FB post??

KatherineJaneway · 23/07/2019 06:30

Your friends are just not used to organising social events.

Used to being cheeky gits though Grin

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