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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend should have given some consideration to her wedding guests?

183 replies

Googoogoogoogoo · 21/07/2019 13:46

My friend recently got married. She and her DH decided they wanted a “small and intimate” wedding as they don’t have many friends and don’t get along with their families.

My DH and I felt really honoured to be included but after the wedding it was clear she had given no consideration to her guests!

They got married at a registry office and my friend asked if I would pick her up and take her, so she could put some decorations for the reception and other bits in my car. Of course I had no problems with this but when we arrived my friend asked me to park in the nearest car park which is a “long stay” and ended up costing me 25 quid for six hours. She didn’t offer to pay and I felt bad asking her on her wedding day so decided to let it go, but I thought this was super cheeky.

My friend and her DH decided to hold the reception in a function room in a restaurant and sent out invites via FB messenger with a list of menu choices. After the ceremony we get to the reception and my friends father did a speech before dinner is served. He ended his speech with “thank you all for coming, and for contributing to the costs of the meal, I know (friend) and (her husband) have struggled with money so they appreciate it”. Everyone looked a bit confused but it soon became clear that we were to pay for own meals, and the 3 courses we had pre ordered were £70 each! Sad drinks were also not included and had to be paid for ourselves. Me and DH were miffed, we aren’t the richest of people and it cost us £165 to attend my friends wedding. If friend had pre-warned us we could have saved a bit but she didn’t tell anyone we had to pay for ourselves.

Added to this, me and DH clubbed together £100 as a wedding gift for them and we haven’t heard from them since. The wedding was in May and no thank you card or message or anything.

I’m really actually cross about this and wonder if I’m BU. I get that the wedding should be what the bride and groom wants but I think my friend and her DH have been CFs.

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 22/07/2019 02:40

That is one for the record books!!

StoppinBy · 22/07/2019 03:24

I don't have a problem with people asking others to pay for their own meal in these situations as long as it was made clear along with the initial invite and as long as the couple getting married or having a birthday etc tell people that they are not to bring gifts. They should also have provided a priced out menu or a set cost menu.

I would pay for my meal or bring a gift but never both. I wonder if they avoided telling people so they would still get gifts.

Iris27 · 22/07/2019 05:58

I wonder if the b&g thought her father was paying for the meals and this was his way of clarifying that he was not.

GoodbyeRosie · 22/07/2019 06:35

Another one here that would havd just got up and walked out when asked to pay for the meal.

I get angry at the acceptance of this behaviour more than the CF'ery.

Where was your backbone, OP? it was ridiculous lettinv them get away with this.

transformandriseup · 22/07/2019 06:39

At our wedding it worked out £50 per head at the reception which covered the meal, one bar drink plus champagne for roasting and a buffet later. It seems strange they were short on money but booked a meal at really expensive hotel. I would propably have just taken £20 with me and that’s it. Once I knew I had to pay for the meal I would have made an excuse and left.

Pinkcat231 · 22/07/2019 07:41

CFs, have you heard from them at all since?

I went to a wedding, very well off couple whole thing paid for by the parents, booked a v expensive honeymoon - 5 figures. Sulked after that the guests hadn’t given enough in gifts to cover said honeymoon, not sure if our gift was included in that! Confused Can’t remember the last time we received a thank you for any wedding gift either.

People seem to see weddings as an excuse to get what they can from people now...

HotChocolateLover · 22/07/2019 07:54

I’d have been pissed off at that. DH and I earn a decent salary between us but are paying off some debts. £165 would have blown a massive while In our budget and is approximately half our food budget for the entire month. We would probably not have gone had we known that (or saved up if we really wanted to)

HotChocolateLover · 22/07/2019 07:55

While should be hole 😂 Bloody autocorrect.

Shelby2010 · 22/07/2019 08:07

I agree with PP that they put the cost of your meal up to pay for the wedding party.

On the other hand I’ve been to a lovely wedding where the couple were skint and the guests paid for their own meals. BUT it was put on the invitations that they would rather the guests came (and paid) to celebrate INSTEAD of giving any gifts. And the meal was £30-£35 per head, B&G provided fizz for toasts & wedding cake for dessert. It was really nice & fuss free. Also worked out as the lowest cost (to me) wedding that I’ve ever been too.

Aragog · 22/07/2019 08:11

May is not that long for thank you card

It's two months ago!
All my experiences of several weddings over the years, big and small, have been to receive a thank you with the first 3-4 weeks. Likewise I sent my own thank yous out, many years back, very soon after.

Surely the thank you sought to be a priority after receiving gifts?!

KatherineJaneway · 22/07/2019 08:16

Definitely upped the meal price to cover their own costs. Cheeky gits.

MegaClutterSlut · 22/07/2019 08:30

Wow what cf's!

I would have no choice but to walk out due to money. There's no way even if I could afford it, would I pay £70. That's a piss take

Greyhound22 · 22/07/2019 08:51

That's awful. Luckily nowadays I could pull together £140 quickly - but I wouldn't want to - I can think of much better things to spend that on that tepid wedding food to be honest. A few years back though when I had been made redundant I wouldn't have been able to and it would have been so embarrassing and panic inducing. What a pair of bastards to put people in that position.

I also would silently seeth about the £25 parking. Why should you cover that? As well as your meal, drinks and presents?

We only had a cheap wedding but I made sure no one paid for a thing. We paid for all the bridesmaid dresses, suits and everyone had a welcome drink and food.

I went to one wedding a few years back where it was very openly (and tediously) bragged about how it had cost 40K yet the bridesmaid were told to take £250 with them when the shopping day arrived for their dresses and the men were asked to pay for their own suit hire 🙄

Figgygal · 22/07/2019 08:55

Christ I'd be glad I hadn't heard from them since

fargo123 · 22/07/2019 09:09

Another one here that would havd just got up and walked out when asked to pay for the meal.
I get angry at the acceptance of this behaviour more than the CF'ery.
Where was your backbone, OP? it was ridiculous lettinv them get away with this

Totally agree. I would've walked out on principle and never spoken to her/them again.

These CFs have obviously done this sort of thing before hence the lack of friends, though the CF seems too stupid to put two and two together.

KurriKawari · 22/07/2019 09:14

I genuinely would have had no way to pay. I don't take money or cash with me to a wedding, and if I do it's probably £20 in case of emergencies, I don't drink either. Did anyone else just not have cash/card on them?

nettie434 · 22/07/2019 09:26

Definitely totally unreasonable to expect people to pay for their meals without warning. Also, if guests were paying for themselves, they should not have chosen the £70 meal option. It is rude - but not exceptional - not to send thank you cards when there is a paid for reception but I’d definitely expect a card if guests I’d paid for a meal and a present.

I stole their wedding cake and haven’t spoken to them since

That made me laugh so much Rainbowknickers. Inspired!

fargo123 · 22/07/2019 09:32

I stole their wedding cake and haven’t spoken to them since

This has to be one of the best lines I've ever read on this site. Grin

MulticolourMophead · 22/07/2019 09:50

Aragog I think the etiquette is that you are supposed to send thank you cards within 6 months of the wedding.

KurriKawari · 22/07/2019 09:52

Does this sound like a couple who care about etiquette though?

OP as she's your friend, have you not seen her or spoken to her since? Have any of your other friends?

serenoa · 22/07/2019 10:46

This is the cheekiest piece of cheeky fuckery I've ever heard of. As someone said upthread, one for the record books.

I don't think I'd mind if this did get into the Daily Mail, but they'd need the names of the CFs.

proseccoandbooks · 22/07/2019 10:55

@Moomin12345 I actually tend to agree to some extent. Where I live people give cash as a gift (this is the norm, not considered rude!) which covers the meal and the gift (usually the equivalent of £250 or so). Weddings can get really expensive.

00100001 · 22/07/2019 11:20

What would they have done if you only had a tenner with you? Confused

INeedAFlerken · 22/07/2019 11:34

I stole their wedding cake...

hahahahahahahaha

Brilliant. They clearly had it coming, CFers indeed.

Sunshine93 · 22/07/2019 11:48

Moomin12345 your experience isnt typical. Ive been to ppenty of lovely english weddings and never has to endure any of the things youve described.

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