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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that

158 replies

TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:35

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 20/07/2019 19:37

Yadnbu
That's so shitty are you DC old enough to understand

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:39

They are 4 and 8, she doesn’t like him FaceTiming the kids if he’s at hers.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 20/07/2019 19:43

Have you tried to speak to him about the way that his DC are being made to feel pushed out ? Or is he the sort that would respond badly

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:44

Yep, and he blew up

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 20/07/2019 19:46

It’s one weekend? It’s for charity. I understand if he’s pushing them out in other ways, ie the FaceTiming though

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:47

There’s things my son has said, but my ex won’t listen when I’ve brought it up. He’ll end alienating them and I’ll get blamed for it.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 19:51

It’s just one weekend. It’s fine really.

Yellowweatherwarning · 20/07/2019 19:52

Imo you need to concentrate on your own relationship with the dc. You can't force one on a twat.
Your dc will flourish with extra time with the dp that actually cares for them.
Having great mh will be better for your dc than a stressed dm worrying about something you can't control.
Your exh will get his just deserts in time.
Your dc won't lose out....
My dd had no df growing up. He materielised when she was 21 - she feels nothing. No resentment, just glad she had a fab dm.
Her words not mine!
Enjoy your extra week end!

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:52

Why not swap a weekend then? They thought they were going to watch him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:57

Joxergoestostuttgart it won’t be just one weekend, I know it’ll happen. He will leave them with his DM for the weekend so he go off on a jolly.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/07/2019 19:59

Fact is, childcare is his business on his time. Whatever your thoughts about his priorities, he has organised suitable childcare for his kids while he does something else.
Very little you can actually say.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:02

We’re supposed co-parenting not parallel parenting!
It’s not really suitable childcare, she won’t be able to cope with the two of them.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/07/2019 20:06

I agree with pictish, it’s up to him what he does on his weekend as long as he arranges other childcare. You might not choose to do that same but that’s the reality of conparenting

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:07

That’s parallel parenting not co-parenting.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/07/2019 20:10

I don’t understand what you mean. co parenting doesn’t mean he does what you want

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/07/2019 20:11

You're quibbling.

The bottom line is it's his weekend, his choice.

If that alienated them further down the line, that's on him.

If you keep on trying to make him see it your way it will be turned round and made to be your fault.

All you can do is support your kids.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:11

In a true co-parenting arrangement you would give the other parent the option first and only then look at other childcare options if the other couldn’t.
Why bother having shared custody arrangement if they aren’t going be spending time with him?

OP posts:
OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/07/2019 20:15

Yes OP you’re quibbling. Anyway by your definition he’s not co parenting with you anyway so irrelevant

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:15

it won’t be just one weekend, I know it’ll happen. He will leave them with his DM for the weekend so he go off on a jolly.

If it becomes a pattern then deal with it when it happens. Don’t waste mental energy getting yourself into a state about what might happen based on his plans for 1 weekend. So far all you know is that for one weekend he is having his mother care for his DC. That’s it. Nothing else planned that you know of. So don’t start making this into a much bigger deal than it is currently.

It’s not really suitable childcare, she won’t be able to cope with the two of them.

Well then just keep them with you that weekend.

AE18 · 20/07/2019 20:15

I think it's a bit over sensitive to equate having plans on one weekend with alienating the children. If it's a wider problem then fair enough but everyone is entitled to have plans every once in a while and lots of children spend time with their grandparents. It's only one weekend, we can't be 100% free to dedicate every weekend of our life entirely to children and he can't exactly pick and choose the date because it's an organised event.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:16

So it’s okay for him to prioritise his GFs children over his own? He’s only doing it for her

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:17

Is this a recentish split? Or recent agreement of contact?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:17

OP will you never have a weekend away from your DC?

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:21

Unfortunately it will become a wider problem, once he’s done it once it will become a more frequent occurrence.
We are have them alternate weekends not every weekend. There are plenty of other events he could do on his child free weekends.
He wouldn’t swap a weekend with me when I wanted to take part in a charity event, I was told tough sh*t!

OP posts: