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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that

158 replies

TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:35

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 14:31

How do I get a good counsellor, I can’t afford private until our FMH sells.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 14:36

Not sure what is available in other areas but here the GP can refer you for 6 counselling sessions on the NHS. I didn’t go via GP, I found a private counsellor who actually offered a reduced rate for people on low income so it was £25/ 50 minute session for me and I didn’t feel I needed more than the initial 6 sessions. (There was also no pressure to book more)

Friends have gone through their GP for counselling and I’ve heard no complaints about their experiences.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 14:37

Well he isn’t worthy of taking up residence in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 14:38

I’ve got health cover with work so that might include counselling.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 15:18

You really do need counselling because you obviously haven’t moved past it!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/07/2019 15:57

Try that, and your GP.

You don't need or deserve to have him colour your life like that!

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 16:13

He’s threatened me, should I report it?

To be upset that
OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/07/2019 16:17

Yes. Any threat should always be reported.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 16:26

Yes. And I hope this helps you see that you really can not control his behaviour. You have to accept that. He is vile. Please don’t let him live rent free in your head any longer.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 16:36

Yes of course you should report it. But be honest with yourself and others. Is he usually the sort of bloke who makes threats or is this an isolated remark made out of frustration rather than anger. That doesn't excuse the remark but if the rest of that text exchange is you complaining he is leaving the kids with his mum not you and how is gf is more important than him then it will be treated differently.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 16:39

My concern with reporting is that it he will turn it around on me. Make me out to be a bad mother and I could lose the children.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 16:42

How could you lose the children?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 16:44

And if you have the conversation there how can it be turned on you.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 16:50

What do you mean OP? Why on earth would you lose the children?

Look if it causes you too much stress then don’t report it. But also, stop trying to control what he does on his weekends. That is causing you stress too.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 16:52

He’s made threats before but I took it with a pinch of salt.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 16:54

He made threats when I found out about his affair.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 16:55

If you have threatening texts that he’s sent apropos of nothing then you have zero reason to think he’ll be able to turn it on you and take the children. Confused

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2019 18:08

What did you text him that made him respond like that?

Nottheduchess · 21/07/2019 18:23

Gosh talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s one weekend OP. The charity event fell on a weekend he had them so he asked his mum. Who left who in this relationship because you sound like you aren’t over him.

IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 18:25

All this co-parenting v parallel parenting stuff is batshit.

Sounds like you think co-parenting = him not doing anything without checking with you first and never being allowed to spend time with anyone else.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 18:38

What’s wrong with asking me to have the children? It’s what I’d asked him to do if the situation ever arose

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 18:40

I’m well within my rights as their mother to ask to want to spend time with them.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 18:43

You are not within your rights to expect to have them when it is his turn to have them. You share custody of them. When he has them it is up to him what he does with them and who he chooses to look after them if he is not able to. When you have then the choice is yours.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 18:46

We have an informal arrangement,
My birthday will be fun then as it falls on his weekend....

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 18:51

He’s within his rights as their father to decide who looks after them on his contact time. You’re really not listening OP. Loads of people have taken the time to comment on your thread, to entertain and try to alleviate your concerns. You’re not in a good place but you’re really fixating on a whole lot of unrelated things and going in circles when you’d be better off drawing a line, remembering you’re two different people who make different choices as parents - perfectly normal - and that chanting co-parenting co-parenting at posters and your ex isn’t making things better. You’re never going to co-parent if it means him having to do what you say. You’re not together anymore. He’s moved on. He’s happy with his partner, is allowed relationships with her kids and your shared kids and to occasionally make plans and arrange suitable childcare. You really can’t do anything about any of it. So stop trying, you’re driving yourself crazy!