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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that

158 replies

TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:35

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/07/2019 21:46

Exactly @Bluntness100. And she also says they share custody so he wont be not seeing them just not spending a weekend with them. That is completely different from only seeing them eow and missing it.

IvanaPee · 20/07/2019 21:47

That's odd as on your other thread you say she collects them from school.

Hmm

An ongoing childcare arrangement is different to a one off weekend anyway.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 21:58

A lot of RPs would be annoyed if the NRP slipped or asked to swap a weekend to accommodate plans so in this case it sounds like he hasn’t wanted to put you out by doing that and has made suitable alternative arrangements. I haven’t read your other threads but this is his mother, his children, his weekend and his plans. His responsibility, his call. I’m sure it’ll be fine. If she doesn’t cope and disaster occurs you’ll feel vindicated and he won’t do it again, but no reason it should.

What are you most annoyed by?

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 21:59

That I wasn’t asked if we could swap.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 22:03

Sorry if I’ve missed it but have the two of you previously agreed that’s what you’d do if one of you had plans, or is it what you think/hope should happen?

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 22:08

We’ve swapped weekends before without any issues I don’t see why this should be different.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 22:17

Fair enough. Then I think ride it out this time and then suggest you’d prefer to swap in future if it’s mutually agreeable as you know the DC enjoy their time with him. He doesn’t have to swap, your contact weekends are yours to each do with as you choose and it’s okay for him to have his mum look after them this time. But you can tell him you’d like to give each other first refusal and see how it goes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 22:18

Awful unintentional pun, I’m so sorry Blush

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 22:23

Surely if it’s a fundraising event, he has zero control over when it’s held?

Myriade · 20/07/2019 22:25

@TracyDraco no Its not ok for him to prioritise whatever it is vs his children. And yes it would have better to swap around.

But the reality is that you cannot force him to do so. Taking the dcs to his DM is his choice. Just like it is his choice to not make them his priority. It is crap I agree but you can’t make it happen because it’s not not within your sphere of influence. The type of relationship they have is between their father and them.

What you CAN do is be there for them all the way. Offer support when they will feel let down. Offer safety to balance the instability with their father.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 22:27

Bluntness100 and Sweeneytoddsrazor - sorry I leave words out when I type, she occasionally picks them up from school his days. It’s not an ongoing arrangement. She was asked if she could do have them more and if she could pick them up on my days but I was told she couldn’t cope. As of September they will be in after school club because she can’t look after them.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/07/2019 22:29

Could her health issues have improved to the point she could now cope?

pictish · 20/07/2019 22:31

And don’t dare ever make a weekend arrangement to have your kids minded by anyone else for any reason, yourself. Concerts, festivals, plays, social outings, charity events, courses, workshops, lunch with a friend who’s having a hard time...all of it is off limits at the weekend for you. Kids come first, right? G

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/07/2019 22:39

How is one weekend not prioritizing his children?

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 22:47

I make arrangements on weekends I am child free because unless he’s willing to swap with me it is off limits for me, I don’t have anyone “to leave them with”.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/07/2019 22:48

He does...so that choice is his.

Onceuponacheesecake · 20/07/2019 22:56

YABU OP. It's his weekend, his choice. The DC get some quality time with their grandparent too, sounds great to me. When else are they supposed to spend time with their grandparents on their father's side if it isn't on his time? Back off and stop micromanaging.

Onceuponacheesecake · 20/07/2019 22:57

You sound jealous that he has other options and childcare.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 23:01

Despite agreeing he’d come to me first? (Apologies if I’m drip feeding, I should have brought this up on my OP)
He’s missed sports day for the 3rd year in a row, didn’t go to DC2’s Xmas concert or DC1s class assembly. He introduced his GF to our DCs the day after my DM died- I’d have preferred he waited a few weeks - DC1 didn’t handle it very well.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 23:32

OP, you don’t like him, you resent him, you resent his partner, you think he’s a crap dad, you think he makes life harder, you’re stuck in a rut of loathing. That’s where you’re at, it’s not making you happy or your life peaceful and harmonious. I think you need to try and detach from the things that piss you off but can’t change. You’re coparents in a much as you share children and are no longer in a relationship. That doesn’t mean you’re able to actively coparent as you’re not on the same page. That’s not ideal but it’s the reality for a lot of people. My husband and his ex don’t “coparent” as they barely speak, have next to nothing in common and parent very differently. It’s not acrimonious most of the time but it’s not friendly either, just one of those things. You don’t have to be friends, you don’t like him and he may feel the same, you question his priorities, you feel he’s letting you and the kids down. You really can’t do anything about it though. I suspect making a big issue of this particular weekend is going to make him dig his heels in and you won’t get the response you want so what’s the point? He’ll have his complaints and criticisms of you too, that’s okay.

Try and pull back. You’re doing your best. He probably thinks he’s doing his best. There’s nothing to be gained from rowing about the DC spending a weekend with their grandmother. I’m sure they’ll be safe and well.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 23:35

As long as they are not in danger, he can leave them with whom ever he wants.
If he took them to London to support him and left them with his GF while he did it fine.
However on our parenting plan to we agreed give the other first refusal and the flexibility to swap evenings/ weekends if it was feasible.
His DM is more than welcome to see DCs whenever she wants, I’ve taken them to see her on my time I have a good relationship my XMIL. DCs don’t see his DF anymore, don’t know why (his DM and DF have been long divorced)

OP posts:
pictish · 20/07/2019 23:39

Yes, despite agreeing he’d come to you first. He decided to do something else on this occasion. You didn’t sign a contract in blood...he is within his right mind to organise childcare without checking with you.
You need to accept that.

pictish · 20/07/2019 23:43

Particularly if that childminder is their own grandmother btw.
It is up to your dh and his mum to make that arrangement.
It really is. I’m trying to be straight with you here. You are not in the right.

pictish · 20/07/2019 23:46

And I believe you that he’s a twat. But that doesn’t alter anything on this particular gripe. It’s not cause for complaint.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 20/07/2019 23:56

Maybe he didn't come to you because he didn't see it as a childcare need, because their grandmother is looking forward to spending some time with them. You sound very angry and bitter

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