To be upset that

[TracyDraco]

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

I’m just worried that this will become a regular occurrence (I think I know my XH better than bunch of strangers on Mumsnet lol, well at least think I do)
Its not fair on the kids and it’s not fair on his mum. She can’t look after them on her own, they are hard work so how on earth he expects his poor mum to look after them I don’t know.
I want them to have a good relationship with their Dad. The shared custody arrangement has only been going about 2 years before that he would only have them overnight on the occasional weekend at his convenience and would pop over for an hour or so after work to read DC1 a bedtime story. I pushed for him to have more time with them.
From a co-parenting perspective it seemed to be working fine, he would happily FaceTime the kids when they were with me. Birthdays he would spend all day with them, Previous Christmas asked he would stay over to be there when they woke up.
The last year they were with me Xmas eve, offer was extended again so he would be there when they got up - he refused, do you want to see them? No it’s okay I’ll see them on Boxing Day. DC1 wanted to go out for the day on his birthday (this was 3 weeks after my DMs death) and he wanted his DF to come with us - DF refused.
So I feel I have a genuine reason to think that this weekend won’t be a one off, it might be but on the other hand pigs might too.

Sounds like he’s trying to please both his ‘women’ ..... you by still having the kids and not rescheduling and messing you about....and giving his new partners kids attention. You might not like it but sadly it’s life. Everyone is juggling plates. It won’t always be smooth or perfect but at least he is trying and didn’t cancel. Maybe DM won’t be as ‘perfect’ as you at looking after them but hey, at least they want to babysit! You sound really bitter and angry? If he dumped them on someone else every time your parallel/ co parenting argument would be bang on.....but it sounds like it’s not like that. He just has this bike race and your really pissed. Chill out. If you carry on like this the kids will pick up on your negativity. Parenting isn’t ‘perfect’....just both do the best you can and stop nitpicking on who’s parenting better.

Said with a smile and passing you a large gin. Xx

Thehandsofneilbuchanon I’m think I’m more angry at myself for not seeing what a twat he was sooner. I was always bottom of his list of priorities. I found out that he was having an affair when I was pregnant with DC2. I should have been enjoying my pregnancy and he put me through hell and he’s never apologised for it.
I chose my ex over someone else we first started going out, that person committed suicide a few years ago and wish I’d made a different choice and maybe he’d still be here.

STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

You are building up one hell of a head of resentment for something you simply cannot control, cannot change.

YES - you know he is going to hurt the kids emotionally

YES - you know his priorities are screwed

YES - we get it, we really do!

BUT you are going to have to let go of it and concentrate on NOT ADDING TO IT by harbouring all that resentment.

You are fixated, from your posts here, on all the shit things he has done. FUCK THAT! COncentrate on the good things, he is no longer in your home, in your bed, bank account and daily life. Now you just have to release him from your head. As that interminable song says LET IT GO!

Your last posts suggests you really are in a place of contemplative misery right now.

But you know that all the 'whatif' ing in the world won't change your life right now, but looking for and focussing on the good bits, the small every day joys will.

Change your head, Tracy - look for the small pleasures and fuck the rest of it!

As a one off it’s fine. If it happens more frequently then you have a problem. The not FaceTiming when he’s with his GF is ridiculous too. He needs to be more stern and put his DC first.

So I need to let him to make a rod for his own back irrespective of how much it hurts our children?
And when he’s alienated them completely because his priorities are screwed he can’t say he wasn’t warned.

It’s really sad reading your posts. You’re clearly still very, very much hung up on him.

You need to find a way to let your resentment of him go. You’re not benefitting the children at all. And I’m willing to bet they’re well aware of how much you hate his girlfriend who could end up being their stepmother and in their lives for a very long time!

So I need to let him to make a rod for his own back irrespective of how much it hurts our children?

What’s the alternative? You have no control over what he does. You can’t stop him. If that’s what he’s going to do, he’ll do it whether you’re stressed about it or not.

You cannot control how others behave, you can only control how you react to their behaviour.

So I need to let him to make a rod for his own back irrespective of how much it hurts our children? That is probably what happens to many families. Nothing you can do can stop him from being who he is.

And when he’s alienated them completely because his priorities are screwed he can’t say he wasn’t warned. Bollocks! Who cares what he feels? That's what you have to change. You CANNOT change him... you CAN change you, hw you feel about him, the need to wake him up to himslef. What YOU CAN do is let your children know they are loved, give them a stable home. Again, the lost of many parents after divorce.

It is shit. Noone would pretend otherwise. But you have to look after our own mental health, your own sense of control in your life. Let go of the shit things you cannot influence, him being one of them! None would pretend that is easy, but it should be your aim, for your own sake and that of your kids.

The reality is it is his weekend and he can make arrangements he wants to.

If you were still together you may be going with him and may be leaving kids with GPs.

It does sound very much as though you still want to be with him. It will only affect the kids if YOU let it. If they see you upset/annoyed etc they will pick up on it. If you slag off dad and gf they pick up on it. Don't be that person.

What a bloody drama over kids spending one weekend with Granny instead of Dad. They won’t even remember it.

For God's sake, it's the first weekend in four years he's done this and it's for a charity ride. Looking at your other threads if he'd asked you to swap you'd have done your nut.

I understand your hurt from how he treated you, but that is seperate to his relarionship with his kids, you need to try to accept that and stop your ill feeling towards him cloud your judgement and interactions with him when it comes to parenting.

IvanaPee - I do not discuss his GF with the DCs, unless they bring up something in conversation.
I am not hung up on him at all- I don’t know where you get that impression from- He lied to me for the entirety of our relationship, had countless emotional affairs until he found one that was willing to take it further, oh and when I questioned him on his affairs it was “in my head”. How can I be hung up on someone who gushed over female work colleagues, telling them how wonderful they were whilst at the time tell me that I’m pathetic because the smell of cooking set off morning sickness. He refused to come in the ambulance with me when at 6 months pregnant, I had ventricular tachycardia, because giving a reading at his sister’s was more important and I was doing it on purpose.

It’s not the first weekend in 4 years though. Before the shared custody arrangement began he’d only have them overnight when it suited him.
We’ve swapped weekends / evenings before without any problems. I wouldn’t feel messed around at all.
Yes it looks like I’m over reacting over one weekend, Ive bottled up all the times he’s let them down, eventually somethings gotta give and boom 💥

EVERYTHING you post to show how you are NOT hung up on him is the reason we read your posts and see how firmly he is still inhabiting your head.

You must hurt... a lot. We read it - and that is bad enough.

I am not hung up on him at all- I don’t know where you get that impression from

Umm

He lied to me for the entirety of our relationship, had countless emotional affairs until he found one that was willing to take it further, oh and when I questioned him on his affairs it was “in my head”. How can I be hung up on someone who gushed over female work colleagues, telling them how wonderful they were whilst at the time tell me that I’m pathetic because the smell of cooking set off morning sickness. He refused to come in the ambulance with me when at 6 months pregnant, I had ventricular tachycardia, because giving a reading at his sister’s was more important and I was doing it on purpose.

No. You’re not hung up on him at all.

OP I strongly advise some counselling for you. You need to work through all this stuff and set yourself free from it. Holding onto it hurts only you. It doesn’t affect him at all.

Are you upset that the kids with be with GM rather than ExH, or are you upset that he's changed plans for his GF? If he was single and was doing this charity event, would you be as upset as you are?

OP you are the resident parent that SM moan about and give other resident parents a bad name. So in your world, it's OK to arrange things without your children when they should be with you and expect your ex to agree to swapping weekends.

Hoeevrr, it is not ok for him to arrange to do something that is for a good cause and instead of expecting you to change your plans to suit him, he made arrangement for not a stranger to look after them but your children grandmother. How terrible! His mum is probably delighted to have for a weekend and what tells you th she won't have family there with her to help? Or that she's happy to make no plans for the rest of the week to recover from the happy fatigue?

You are conveniently for you making a sweeping assumption that it will happen again despite being the first time in 4 years. You have nothing to go by to make this assumption.

You are clearly bitter and using any excuses to convince yourself and others that he is a bad father. Please look at your own behaviour and attitude. 5hesexwill do much more damage than your ex leaving your kids with their grandmother one weekend.

Op how much time each day do you spend thinking about the shitty things your ex has done in the past and worrying about the shitty things he might do in the future? Be honest....

Yeah, you’re hung up on him.

Everyone here can see it just from what you post so I can only imagine how obvious it is in RL.

Instead of being defensive, you could use it as an opportunity to find healthy ways to move on so these non-issues don’t become such a big deal to you. It’s not good for you.

You are most definitely hung up on him. The kids wont feel pushed out if you don't make a thing about it. He has shared custody of them so sees them a lot. He is not always going to be comfortable spending days as a family with you. Imagine you found a new partner would you expect him to disappear every xmas so you could play happy families with your ex? The vast majority of separated parents have alternate xmas or half day with each parent. Your bitterness towards his gf comes across in this thread and others you have started. And you cannot put what if in there. What if you had chosen someone else? That person may or may not have committed suicide but you would not have your children.

Both I think, I would still be upset if he was single because of how much I fought to get him to share custody of the children.
I’m worried he will start leaving them with his DM for weekends on more regular basis.
If he wants to leave them with his DM for an evening, the occasional overnighter etc etc so what? Yes He will be seeing them Monday and Tuesday evening an hour or so before bed and briefly the following mornings. But that’s not the same as spending quality time with him over an entire weekend is it?
I wouldn’t be going if we were together, I didn’t go when he did the same event when we were. He went with mates, to keep costs down they would share a room.

Oh give it up. In your first post yiu said he was only doing this because his GFs daughter had convinced him to. Now you are saying he has done it before with friends. Just stop finding things to be hurt about. Stop thinking about him and get on with your own life.

I don't think you're being unfair.
Sounds like his GF if a bit more of a priority in his life than she should be.
Would you have been happy to swap weekends with him? If so, then it's an even bigger shame as it seems you are very willing to cooperate and that you really want the kids to have a good solid relationship with him. He'll regret it down the line if he keeps this behavior up!