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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that

158 replies

TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:35

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/07/2019 20:25

Look I wouldn’t do it. If you only have your children EOW I wouldn’t miss a weekend for something so frivolous, it would mean not seeing them over the weekend for a month!

BUT, it doesn’t matter because it’s still up to your ex what he does with his contact weekends. It doesn’t have to be something you support

CatInADoghouse · 20/07/2019 20:25

It sounds like you just want everyone to just agree with you. Yes it's awful that he's not FaceTiming them because his new GF won't allow it if that's what is actually happening but that's his problem. You can never be accused of not letting him speak to his DC or seeing them. As PP have said just concentrate on your relationship with them. Is it documented in a court agreement that he must not put the DC into any kind of childcare without consulting you first? Surely you would have to do the same? If the weekends are also set out in the agreement as he's constantly cancelling which you find unacceptable then take him back to court.

It also sounds like you're very bitter towards him and his new GF. Just enjoy the time you have with your DC. If he doesn't make an effort and it gets worse as the DC get older then they won't forget and they will form their own opinion of him. You can't force him to see things from your POV.

CassianAndor · 20/07/2019 20:25

Why does he have to offer the weekend to you first? Why can’t they go and stay with granny? It sounds that because you are unable to find alternative arrangements when you want to do something o your weekend, he shouldn’t be allowed to find alternate arrangements. Staying with their GM is hardly the end of the world.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/07/2019 20:26

You don't know if it will become a frequent occurrence and you would have a point if that did happen however it hasn't yet.

They'll be with their GM, lots of children spend some time with their grandparents. I did as a child and loved it.

It's his weekend, it's upto him and if I were you I'd just wait and see what happens.

NoBaggyPants · 20/07/2019 20:27

Unfortunately it will become a wider problem, once he’s done it once it will become a more frequent occurrence.

You don't know that, you can't foresee the future. At the moment all this is, is you making a drama out of nothing.

AllFourOfThem · 20/07/2019 20:29

I was going to say that from the anger coming from your posts this isn’t a one off but then I saw your last update where you say once he does it once, he will do it again which implies he has never actually done this before. Therefore, I think you are justified in feeling upset (they are your emotions and there is obviously a backstory to how things have been between you) but YABU to object to the children’s grandmother spending time with them during his weekend with them.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:36

It’s hard for me not stand up for the kids, at the end of the day it’s not fair on them.
Joxergoestostuttgart it’s not a recent split I was pregnant with DC2 at the time, DC2 is 4.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:37

OP I am 14 years down the road of dealing with the fallout of a father who constantly put his DC last on his list of priorities. (He faded out of their life 2 years ago and we haven’t seen him since) it’s tough watching it happen repeatedly and like you I was very angry for a long time. I can tell you now that the only person your anger affects is you. It doesn’t impact him at all. He doesn’t feel it when you are angry at him. He just merrily goes about his life as before. Your angry serves no good purpose. You need to accept that this is the person and parent he is, your children will be hurt by him and there is nothing you can do about it other than be there to help them through it. It is hard. And I feel for you. But this is just something you and they have to deal with. The sooner you accept it the easier you will find the whole thing to deal with.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:39

Btw it took me several counselling sessions to get to that realisation. It was worth every penny to kick him out of my brain.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:42

I’m not objecting to their GM spending time with them, however she can’t cope with them on her own all weekend.
As far I know he hasn’t done it before, however when we were together he would regularly cancel date nights to go out with his friends / work colleagues after I let him do it once.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/07/2019 20:43

He doesn't get to choose what dates events are held.

It is a good thing or DC to spend time with their GPs.

So in terms of this one event in isolation, I really do think it's OK.

But OP, you seem to see it as a thin end of a wedge. Why do you think it will become more frequent?

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 20:45

How long is the charity bike ride? Is it the whole weekend?

Op are you jealous of the new girlfriend? This seems a one off and he's organised childcare. At this stage it's not a habit or the end of the world.

araiwa · 20/07/2019 20:46

What a twat organising a charity ride when he knew it was his weekend with his kids. Cant he do it next weekend?

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 20:47

As far I know he hasn’t done it before, however when we were together he would regularly cancel date nights to go out with his friends / work colleagues after I let him do it once.

Op. I mean this gently but his relarionship with you is not in any way comparable to his relarionship with his children. You've been split four years and this is the first time he's done it and it's for charity.

IvanaPee · 20/07/2019 20:52

So do you expect to never ever leave your dc with someone else?

Not ever??

You sounds really controlling and a bit weird, tbh.

You don’t know that he’ll do it all the time, just because he cancelled dates when you “let” him out. Hmm

You don’t know that his mum won’t cope.

Unless there’s a danger to the children, what he does during his contact time isn’t really your business.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 20:54

Joxergoestostuttgart- You’re right, he doesn’t see issue with his actions at all.
I’m half tempted to sponsor him on behalf of our DCs and comment that it’s worth sacrificing their weekend for. But it would fall on deaf ears.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/07/2019 21:00

Like our advice to you.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 21:13

I don't think any one else is seeing an issue with his actions either, he's not the only one,,😂

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 21:24

Bluntness100 - he’s leaving them with his DM Friday night, he’s doing Ride London. Needs to be there Saturday morning to register. He won’t wont be back until late Sunday night, so won’t see them until Monday.
I’ve offered to have them from Saturday pm onwards.
IvanaPee- His DM has health issues, she wouldn’t have both DCs after school/ nursery because she “wasn’t able to cope” but she can for a weekend.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 20/07/2019 21:28

IvanaPee- His DM has health issues, she wouldn’t have both DCs after school/ nursery because she “wasn’t able to cope” but she can for a weekend.

Was the after school care going to be ongoing or a once off?

NCforthis2019 · 20/07/2019 21:29

There aren’t charity bike rides every weekend. This is the first time he’s done it yes? And he’s arranged suitable cover? I don’t see an issue. Are you jealous of his GF? It’s coming across that way.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/07/2019 21:31

But he doesn't just have them eow does he? He has them during the week as well and his DM collects them from school.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 21:37

No she doesn’t collect them from school, as I said she wasn’t able to cope with both of them.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/07/2019 21:40

My ex was like this with his hobby, if his weekend with the dc clashed with a hobby weekend he simply wouldn’t see the dc.

It used to piss me right off. Until I started to simply say when he told me he couldn’t see the dc due to x hobby. ‘That’s fine, we’ll swap that weekend for x weekend.’ I’d then disengage with him and simply swap the weekend

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 21:43

That's odd as on your other thread you say she collects them from school.

Op, it seems you just don't like the fact he has a girlfriend. Your jealous and bitter and want to make things as difficult as possible for him 🤷‍♀️