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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that

158 replies

TracyDraco · 20/07/2019 19:35

My ex husband is taking part in a charity cycle event on a weekend he is supposed to have our children. He is taking part in said cycle event as his GFs daughter convinced.
Children will be with GM for weekend and will spend 0 time. Yes it’s great to do something for charity however do it on a weekend you don’t have them.
From my POV I feel as if his GF and her children’s wants are more important than spending time with his own children.
I can see a wedge slowly developing between him and our children. I can’t tell if it’s her or him. He didn’t ask to swap a weekend with me. I do feel upset for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 12:20

I would have appreciated being given first refusal to have them for the weekend, I offered to swap or split the time between myself and his DM (she’s in her 70s).
However what’s done is done, he’s made a decision but I don’t have to like it.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 21/07/2019 12:22

I can’t tell if it’s her or him. Of course it’s him. If you had a new boyfriend who didn’t want you to speak to your children, would you stay with him?

So I need to let him make a rod for his own back irrespective of how much it hurts our children? What you need to do is realise and accept that you can’t stop him from making that rod, irrespective of how much it hurts them.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 12:23

There was a thread the other day from a SM saying her DP shouldn't expect his ExW to swap weekends and that it's his responsibility to sort childcare on his weekends.
Maybe your ExH was respecting the fact that you're entitled to your free weekends.

You said he's only doing the event because of his GF but now you're saying he did it when you were together. Come on OP you must know YABU

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 12:27

Sweeneytoddsrazor - sorry if I’m drip feeding. He said he’d never do it again after the last one, the 2 previous times he’s done this even he really struggled.
However his GFs daughter convinced him to do it, fair play to her she has awesome persuasion skills.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 21/07/2019 12:33

"However his GFs daughter convinced him to do it, fair play to her she has awesome persuasion skills."

Your setting yourself up against the other Women in his life.

He's doing this because he wants to. Just like he does and has done everything because he wanted to.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 12:35

can’t tell if it’s her or him. Of course it’s him. If you had a new boyfriend who didn’t want you to speak to your children, would you stay with him?
Hell no!

I happy to swap weekends though 😔

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 12:48

I don't think you are drip feeding. I think you are angry, hurt, bitter and jealous and giving your ex far to much headroom. And whatvyou are saying is drip feeding is actually an attempt to convince us (or yourself) that you aren't.

IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 12:50

What is the problem exactly?

They’re staying with their grandma.

A woman who collects them from school and takes care of them sometimes.

You say she has health problems but YOU asked her to have them after school, too.

She told you no claiming health problems but it’s entirely possible that she didn’t want to provide childcare for her son’s ex.

Her health doesn’t really fly as an excuse for your unhappiness.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 12:52

Have you said to him "if you ever need to swap weekends let me know as I'm happy to be flexible"?

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 12:54

Should the “new women” in his life come before his own DCs?

OP posts:
Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 12:58

Yes I have told him that I’m happy to swap weekends.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 13:01

Nobody should ever come before his kids.

Maybe his mom has been saying she'd love to have the kids overnight? If you were still together there are probably times she would have babysat overnight so maybe he thought it would be nice for her and DCs? Just playing devils advocate.
Just ask him... say you're concerned that his DM might find it tough having both kids and see what he says

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 13:02

So how would it work if you had swapped weekends. If he is having them until weds would you have dropped them over to him whrn he returned on Sunday or expected him to come to you to collect them? Or would you have dropped them at school and his DM pick them up as normal from school if they haven't already broken up for the holidays. Which brings us to another question what childcare is in place for his days during the school holidays and are you happy with it.

PizzaIsOverrated · 21/07/2019 13:03

It’s one weekend. Get a grip.

madcatladyforever · 21/07/2019 13:11

Well he's an idiot, he will completely alienate his children and of course it will never be his fault.
My first husband did the same and now my adult DS never sees him, he feels nothing for his father. In his words, "Dad is a waste of space".

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 13:16

They would have stayed with me Sunday night as he won’t be back till late and I’d have dropped them into holiday club Monday morning.
Over the holidays I’ve booked time off to spend with them and they are in holiday club the days I’m not.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 21/07/2019 13:16

It’s one weekend @madcatladyforever! Two fucking days. You’re as much of a drama queen as OP.

pictish · 21/07/2019 13:18

I think it’s normal for him to attend an event with his girlfriend and her daughter. I think it’s also normal to participate with her daughter in said event. It’s not that she ‘comes before’ his dc, it’s simply the date of the event clashes with his contact...which he has dealt with by asking his mum for help. All normal.

By having such a problem with this, you are essentially expecting control over how he conducts his relationships. You won’t get it. And neither you should.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 13:19

I don’t know what his plans are over the holidays for them.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 21/07/2019 13:31

Should the “new women” in his life come before his own DCs?

So this is bitterness about his girlfriend then. 🤷🏻‍♀️

CJsGoldfish · 21/07/2019 13:39

I can guarantee that your children are well aware of the bitterness and resentment you feel towards his girlfriend.

If you are not careful, you'll cause them just as much damage as you are sure he is going to.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 13:47

I’ll keep saying it till I’m blue in the face.
I’m glad that his DM wants to spend time with them. It’s important for them to spend time with their GM, however I genuinely feel that having them Friday evening thru Monday morning will be too much for her. I know how exhausted I get after my weekends with them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 13:54

Oh dear, you’ve chucked a whole load of other issues in the mix now. The fact remains that it’s just one weekend. And they’re with his mum. Not eating dry cereal in the dark under the stairs while he swans off necking champagne. Extrapolating to him abandoning his children and doing this lots in future to the point that he barely knows them is dramatic and fantastical.

Original poster
TracyDraco · 21/07/2019 14:17

If it becomes a regular occurrence I will jump off that bridge if or when I get to it.

So then clever clogs how do I move past it? How do I get him out of my head? I was healing, I’d moved house for a fresh start.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 14:25

So then clever clogs how do I move past it? How do I get him out of my head? I was healing, I’d moved house for a fresh start.

A good counsellor will help massively. But you have to want to get him out of your head.