To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

I think you should tell your family and friends that you are really in need of some more support if they can help, and discuss with your husband whether to ask your HV/SS for some help. There is no shame in it.

Also wanted to add I’m wondering whether I should go back to work. I planned to take the year off but I don’t think I can do this. However I worry that no one will be willing to take him on.

Have you tried lactose free milk? That helped my DN. I would suggest asking your HV or GP for help too - remember there’s no shame in leaving the baby to cry in their cot for an hour or so when you absolutely can’t cope.

Oh hun, the problem isn't him. It's that having a baby is really hard and you have no support. You sound like you have PND and there's no shame in that. I am still recovering and DD is nearly 1. Speak to your GP and HV, and tell family that you're really struggling.

I don’t think family can do much. Our parents have health issues of their own so they can’t help. All friends work and are busy with their own lives.

With milk allergies I’ve read that there are other symptoms like rashes and mucousy nappies which he doesn’t have so I haven’t really looked into allergies

What will GP be able to do? My GP (seen two different ones) said it’s colic and they grow out of it after a while. Not sure it’s colic as the screaming is all day long.

You need to speak to your health visitor or GP. I could have wrote this post 10 months ago and I had horrendous PND. There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to open up and be honest with someone who can help you. Does your baby have any other issues? Any rashes/eczema? Bringing up milk at all? Tummy issues? My DS was miserable for 4 months until he was diagnosed with cows milk protein allergy. After finding the right milk, he was like a new baby.

You don't hate him. You just hate the situation.

My DS was similar and honestly as horrible as it sounds I spent months just wishing the time away to when he could talk and actually tell me what was wrong instead of crying. I didn't ask for help as I didn't want to be thought of as a bad mum and as a result I didn't start enjoying motherhood until DS was nearly 2.

Ask for help, don't do what I did. It won't last forever, I promise. My DS is 6 now and I love the bones off him, I love being around him.

Reflux and crying can be the only symptom of a ‘mild’ milk allergy or intolerance. Neither of my nephews had any rashes etc and lactose was their only allergy -both of them stopped crying fairly immediately after lactose free milk. If you tell your Gp they can prescribe it if needed.

Unfortunately this is the reality of a newborn. We are brainwashed by social media to think that babies just look cute and are so easy to look after. The actual reality can be very different. I had pnd with my son who is now 20. I felt so isolated and wouldn’t take him out on my own as I felt I didn’t know what I was doing with him. I was terrified of being judged. Please go and see your gp/health visitor and tell him/her exactly how you’re feeling. You are not alone in feeling like this. I would also make a point of putting the baby in the pram and taking him out walking, even if he cries all the way. It will do you both good to get out in the fresh air. Hang on in there. It does get easier, I promise xx

He could still be intolerant to milk or lactose. See if you can try some other milk that might be more suitable.

This stage is so hard. Hang in there.

Sounds like mine OP, I did walk around all day with her in a sling. On the plus side I shifted the baby weight quickly! Are you breastfeeding? One thing that made a huge difference for us was for me to cut out dairy and soy - massive difference within a couple of weeks. Might be worth a shot if you’ve tried everything else? It will pass either way though, it’s tough but you just have to get through it however you can.

I’ve been there. A difficult baby who screams and needs to be held constantly. Who seems to never calm down for anyone but you.

You need to tell your husband that you need more breaks. If he can’t be that person, then a mothers helper might help. Even 30 minutes of being off duty can give your brain a chance to relax. Right now you are in constant alert mode.

Is the socializing with the grandparents helping you or draining you. If it is draining, cut back.

And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to talk to your doctor about antidepressants. I wish I had talked to mine sooner. Yes, the problem is situational, but no one can get through that situation without it impacting their mental health.

I'd go back to the paediatrician. If the omeprazole worked for a day or two then that's an avenue to explore, it could be he needs an adjustment to his milk or a different medication instead of/alongside the omeprazole. They should also be able to help with advice on alleviating reflux such as smaller, more frequent feeds, keeping him upright after feeds, etc.

Your husband works long hours but, when he's home in the evenings or on weekends, do you get time for yourself? If not then you need to take some. Get out of the house without the baby and have a break even of all you do is go for a coffee in peace, you need that time away. High needs babies are relentless and exhausting, there is no shame in admitting that it is impacting on your mental health. Can you self-refer for talking therapy? Google your area and Talking Matters.

That sounds really hard. My first was extremely high needs also. It does get better. It really does. He won't be like this for ever. My dd1 turned into a very chilled out toddler, but the baby days were really really hard. Any chance you could hire someone to have him for an hour or 2 here and there? A baby this needy would wear anyone's nerves. You have to look after yourself too. I think I would have gone insane if my mum didn't visit most days.

And it will get better. It will take time and you will never forget how challenging this was, but one day you will realize that life has gotten easier and you now have a child who looks at you like you are the most important person in the world.

Noise cancelling headphones for you OP and don't be scared to talk to your HV most of them are quite nice and will at least be understanding and offer you some support.

Sorry to hear this, it must be so distressing for you. Go back to the GP. It could be a physical injury that happened at birth and causing him pain or some other physical problem. Have him have thorough physical check up. A friend of mine had a baby that cried 24/ 7 and eventually it was discovered that she had a hernia and was in pain. Also do try and change his milk if he isnt breast fed. Not all babies have the same symptoms. I really hope this gets better for you soon.

There is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help. The GP and HV will know how to help you, they will have seen this a million times and before you know it, things will be a little better, then a little bit more and so on until you are feeling a lot more comfortable.

You don't really hate your child, your just drowning a little and that's ok because there are people out there to support you and your baby, just take that 1st step of calling for the appointment 💐💐💐💐💐

This parenting thing is hard, but hold on in there 💐💐💐💐💐

Oh OP my DD was like this and it made me despair. Unfortunately it’s just really hard looking after a baby and no one can prepare you for it. You sound like you are really struggling though so speak to the GP or HV about the way you feel. They won’t lock you up or take your child away and they may not be able to cure you but at least you’ll have some support. There is nothing to be ashamed of

said it’s colic and they grow out of it after a while

They said this to my sister. At 8 months they finally agreed it was lactose intolerance.

It nearly broke her, having to deal with the constant screaming and nobody would take her seriously.

Keep going back to the GP, reach out to your GP, if you aren’t BFing, try a lactose free milk. It might make a difference.

Mines screamed a lot (for blocks of hours and wouldn't be put down at times) and was cows milk intolerance. Prescribed new milk and brand new baby.

Really hope you're ok OP! You need to speak to HV and GP about this. Keep going back.

OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

How you describe your baby and life is exactly what things were like when my first baby was born. All he did all day was cry. He had silent reflux that wasn't picked up on until he was about 4 months old and after weekly visits back to the doctor. Looking back he probably had an allergy or intolerance to lactose.

Things that helped me were going back to the doctor every week and telling them something was wrong. He stopped feeding and it was only then people started listening to me. I weaned at 16 weeks. He had a cherry dummy (horrible old fashioned brown ones) that was a life saver. I kept him upright as much as humanly possible. Especially for about 30-60 minutes after a feed. Try lying him against your chest or over your shoulder.

I pretty much gave up on anything other than getting him and I through each day. Thankfully he liked the car seat (because it was upright) so I put that on the pram and took him out for a walk every single day. Also try reflux milk which is thicker. Or as others have said lactose or dairy free if you suspect that.

It is hard but it does get better. Hang on in their OP. Thankfully he slept through the night from 11 weeks which was a saving grace. I took antidepressants from when he was 10 weeks until he was about six months old. He's six now and still annoying from time to time

I held my baby all the time as he cried when I put him down ( to nip to toilet etc) I carried him in a fabric sling a connecta, but think they are now Integra when out. He did improve once he could sit more upright, so when he could hold his head, around 3.5- 4 months old he could sit in a sit me up chair ( I'll post a pic)

So I think some babies are just high needs, not the put down and settle type.

Put on some feel good music, watch some tv. I used to walk around places just waving stuff at him ( garden centre, shops, at home.)

You've got this and honestly antidepressants won't hurt if you need a boost to get through this phase.

I would also say allergies. I feel for you op. It does get better, i promise. We were lucky enough to have DS milk allergy diagnosed at 3 weeks and it got better after that. I really strongly suggest you look into it, my DS was similar before this diagnoses.
Please share your feelings with someone. Its so hard. I was in a similar position but it does get better i promise you. If you want to pm me please feel free. It will improve