To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

I think he is much worse on days he’s over tired but he’s just too unsettled in the day to sleep. I can’t always get him to Sleep after every feed and if I do then he usually wakes up after 15-20 minutes. Thankfully he sleeps for about 8 hours at night (5 hours followed by 3) and falls asleep almost immediately after his 10pm feed.

Does he fall asleep more easily and sleep for longer whilst pushed around in a buggy? I found both my dcs found it difficult to settle and could only fall asleep with motion in a buggy and would only stay asleep with motion. The longer the time they spent asleep in motion, the longer they slept without motion. If I put them down after they had just gone to sleep, their eyes would ping open when the motion stopped. So I would take them to the park and walk until they were asleep for 30 min -1 hour and then take a book and hold it in one hand and rock the buggy with another. I guess nowadays you can just use a phone. If they woke up, I would immediately walk again to try and get them down again. I would go home only when I thought they had enough sleep.

I did a lot of walking for hours and hours pushing them in the buggy. However, this allowed them to get decent stretches of sleep during the day and were less grumpy when awake. I lost so much weight.

We had a difficult one...it wasn’t any of the usual suspects (milk/soya allergy, reflux, silent reflux) tried cranial osteopathy. We paid for several paed appointments.,.he was just bad tempered and had a few sensory issues.

Switching to formula helped. I then ignored him a bit (which made no difference to his behaviour obviously, but I knew there was nothing actually wrong), and then he went to a nursery for 2 half day sessions a week and screamed for them.

13 years on he does have a few sensory issues still, but is gone and in track for some fabulous GCSEs.

Does the homestart organisation have a branch near you? Not sure how it works but could maybe give you a break for a wee while. My middle one was like that, slept for 20mins between feeds. Thought I would go insane through lack of sleep.

One of my children was just the same. He suddenly being a nicer person (!!!) when he was 5 months old. Like you, I felt I hated him. It was so awful. He turned into a very placid toddler, and easily going child. He's a teenager now and is still lovely. Thank god he redeemer himself as he was an awful baby! I feel so sorry for you, it's awful. X

Ask for a 6 week trial of nutramigen (extensively hydrolysed for mild allergy) or neocate (amino acid based for severe allergy)

All the best x

I'm going through this too so feel free to private message me x

@Amibeingdaft81
I am not ashamed to admit I ended up on anti-depressants for 3 months
3 months? Was that long enough? My understanding is that it takes about 3 months for benefit to really be felt and minimum a year recommended to be on them

I was told two weeks before they started taking effect, which they did. They took the edge off the despair I was feeling but honestly the only complete cure for me was getting my DD's issues sorted. By the 3 month mark my DD was established on a CMPA friendly formula and I was in a much, much better place. I came off the ADs at that stage under monitoring from my doctor.

Sorry if it's already been said but do continue with the omeprazole. It can take up to 4 weeks to fully make a difference

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My first pretty much cried constantly until about 15 weeks and I thought I was going to lose my mind. We found milk thickener helped as he has reflux but I also found the book - by Harvey Karp - happiest baby on the block really helpful. It explains why some babies cry so much and also gives strategies to try to comfort them, which made my feel more in control.

www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/baby/the-5-s-s-for-soothing-babies

Also sometimes after hours of crying when I was scared i was going to totally lose it I'd put him in his cot, shut the door and walk away for 10 minutes. At a minimum it gave me time to calm down, and quite often I'd come back and he'd be fast asleep!

He's now a very happy chilled out 3 year old - it will get easier! Hang in there

As his crying is having so much impact upon you, I'd suggest supporting him with his bum in the crook of your elbow, legs either side of your arm, supporting his face by the chin and rubbing his back in a circular motion for as long as possible.

Not just because it works for many babies who won't bring up wind from being patted, but because when you're that exhausted, it could be all too easy for the frustration to come out in patting him too hard.

And yes to the PPs who have said put him in his cot, shut the door and walk away for ten minutes, preferably with headphones on.

To be at the point where you're saying that you hate him, it's about reducing the chance of you reaching that point of breaking.

And please tell your GP. You need more support than just advice to try Infacol.

ask for a referral to the paediatrician.
Try ranitadine
Google and try 'tiger in the tree lift' and a wrapped bath.
this WILL get better xx

and try Dr Brown bottles if not already done so

OP if you think if could be CMPA, please join this CMPA Facebook group for information and support:

www.facebook.com/groups/Allergy.diet/

You need a break. New motherhood with a challenging newborn is a massive shock to the system. I had a baby with silent reflux & was at my wits end. I didn’t see how I could possibly go on. Long story short I started antidepressants and within a week the clouds lifted. I also had someone twice a week for a few hours so I could get out of the house, by myself and feel like I existed again. You are important too - reach out for help in real life please.

I felt exactly the same as you with my second OP. I tried absolutely everything and he just never stopped crying. I carried him everywhere until he started walking at 10 months, that's when he eventually turned into a happier child. I felt like I wanted to give him away. I absolutely adored him but I was very depressed and stressed, NY nerves were in tatters. I didn't get help aor tell my health visitor how I felt. I told my dp and he made me feel like I was a terrible person, but he didn't know how to deal with what I was saying. Tell your health visitor how you feel. I don't really have any advice to offer because only when my ds started walking did the problem get a bit better but you are not alone in how you feel.

It could be a cows milk protein allergy. (It is the protein in the milk not the lactose ((sugar)) that is the problem). Reflux can sometimes be the only symptom, especially at only 10 weeks.
If you are breast feeding try a strict dairy free diet for 6 weeks and see the GP/paediatrician for further advice about challenging after 6 weeks. If formula feeding ask for a specialised formula that your GP can prescribe. Ask for a referral to a paediatric dietician.
You must talk to someone about your possible PND too.
I’m absolutely sure you love your baby to bits and it is so sad that you don’t realise that yet so ask for help. Good luck xxx

My DD screamed for what felt like 23 hours a day, she would be ok feeding and then a few minutes afterwards would start screaming again. Absolutely no symptoms at all, just screaming. It went on for 15 weeks, HV was useless, I tried everything they suggested and nothing worked, she is my second so it wasn't like I didn't know what to do, but still couldn't get her to stop screaming.

DH has 2 weeks off for Christmas and he saw what she was like. I took him to see HV with me and he backed me up. They told us to go to GP, they told me to try lacto free formula. OMG the change in 24 hours was unbelievable, first time she slept I kept poking her to make sure she was still breathing!

She grew out of it at 12 months, but oddly ly now I am lactose intolerant.
If you haven't tried lacto free milk might be worth ago.
Good luck and I hope things get better for you soon.

You've had a lot of good advice re trying to solve whatever is causing the screaming itself and I'm not qualified to help on that front so won't try, but I have a now 6 month old who has the world's most piercing scream when he's upset and he can go from happy to screaming in seconds. He's mostly very chilled and smiley now, but as a newborn he had very definite "witching hours" and would cry almost non-stop from 5pm onwards. Nothing that we could find that was wrong, he just got tired, wouldn't settle and then cried. I've struggled with PND and anxiety and there have been times when I thought the screaming would break me. This is going to sound ridiculous, but do you have decent noise cancelling headphones you can put on? I wore them most evenings during the screamathons of the early days. It meant I could be with him, comfort him, know he was OK, but the screaming didn't get into my head and cause that adrenaline fuelled panic/stress response. Everything became much more bearable, mad as it sounds. I don't mean to simplify this, I understand how awful it must be for you and whacking a pair of headphones on won't change that, but what it might do is make it very slightly easier to deal with in the moment.

I really would recommend going to your GP and looking at getting medication for yourself, or even self-referring to something like IAPT. I understand your reluctance, I didn't want to either, but I'm glad I did now. Additionally, do give your Health Visitor a call. I phoned mine a while ago when I was having a terrible day and felt like I wanted to just leave the house and never come back. She was great, didn't offer any miraculous solutions, but did offer a listening ear, the chance to calm down and a non-judgemental chat. I guess it depends on what your HV is like, though.

If baby cries almost 24hrs a day 7days a week apart from when asleep, I would 100% be taking him to a&e and refusing to leave until they had ran as many relevant checks as they could.

I would want a qualified padiatrician not a GP to do these tests.

I would want bloods, xray, inner ear, all of it checked.

Baby could have a birth injury you dont know about. Baby could have internal organ problems. Baby could have anything.

The crying is a symptom, not the problem, and they need to find the cause.

OP I could have written this post with my eldest! Cried non stop for the first 9/10 weeks of his life! GP just told me it was colic and it would pass!
Eventually after reading up etc, we tried Nutramigen formula (smells vile!) but within about 2-3 days, baby was much calmer & happier!
It's worth a try xx

Also an electronic swing is a god send. Buy one. It changed my life!

and you have no support.

Not at all true, OP states she has a dh and other family.

OP, can you ask for a referral to perinatal team?

Can't believe pp's are suggesting noise cancelling headphones and leaving him to cry in a cot at 10 weeks old.

Cows Milk Protein Allergy. Try a milk designed for that (I used Gerber Extensive Hypoallergenic but I'm not in UK), along with the reflux meds which must increase with weight. This combination made an enormous difference in my baby in days. I hate to look back at some photos and videos of her from her first few weeks because she was so utterly miserable (as were we). Definitely worth you exploring this as an option based on what you've described.

Op my baby was like this. He did have reflux but no amount of meds or changing mills helped for more than a few days at a time. I think having trapped wind was the biggest problem.

He hated being in a swing, or put down, or the car, or the pram. But he bloody loved a vibrating bouncer. I think it soothed his tummy and took his mind of it. When I discovered that I was finally able to shower, eat, listen to the tv!