To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

I’d say the problem is 100% him! Babies should not cry that much. He sounds exactly like my daughter. I began to hate her. She would cry all day long and never slept. I nearly lost my mind. Persevere with the omeprazole and trial some formulas that have allergens removed. Failing that go back to the paediatrician and get them to check him out again . Maybe he has a birth injury you don’t know about.

Hi OP, my DD is 13 months and was exactly as you describe, and I felt exactly like you, so it's all very raw for me still. I literally felt suicidal at 10 weeks. I frequently called DH bawling down the phone with the baby screaming in her crib and a few times he just had to come home if I was at crisis point if my DM couldn't come round because we were all worried for me and DD's safety. And my GP and HV at the time were both aware of my struggles and neither of them were remotely interested and didn't offer me any support whatsoever other than ADs which I didn't want for various reasons (have previously been on them long-term).

I really don't mean to despair you and I would always recommend chasing every 'physical' avenue for answers in case one is forthcoming, but unfortunately there are some babes that no physical reason is pinpointed. At 7 months old my DD still cried most of the time - but it was getting easier as there was more time she was awake and not crying and could engage her with toys, play groups, songs etc. For me it's just been a gradual process. At 13 months she is so so so so so much better, but it did all happen veryyhy slowwwwwly and gradually. She's been seen by loads of HCPs, we tried Gaviscon (no help and made her worse as caused constipation) and rantidine (no help), gripe water (seemed to make it worse), Infacol did seem to help a bit tbf and she was on that regularly from being about 10 weeks to being about 8 months old. I always noticed the difference when we missed some doses of it so think it was partly due to wind/gastro issues but def only partly as she was still a fucking horrendous nightmare much of the time. DH is amazing tho and I was very lucky to have a lot of support from my DPs and DB, especially DM. I am sure I would have had severe and enduring PND if it were not for my support.

My only regret though is that I should have taken her out more in the early stages. We didn't really start getting out very much until she was about 5 months old, partly because I was horrendously anxious about the screaming whilst out and about, and partly because getting ready to go anywhere inevitably meant leaving her screaming at some point. But I found that actually on the whole she was much much better and happier out at playgroups etc and slept better, she was a cat napper like your DS when she was smaller which was fucking exhausting but she at least slept in the pram to and from groups etc. I did go to one regular baby group from her being 9 weeks old but wasn't going out most days until she was about 5 months. By which time I was sad at 9 months when I had to go back to work as I felt I wasted half my mat leave just because of anxiety. So I would really try and get out you might find they're much happier out and sleep better too.

OP I've been you. Twice. I've made these threads. I've felt like I've been going insane. I've wondered why my baby is such a hateful bastard to me. Then felt guilty, of course.
You get sleep at least, which is good. My babies would wake every 15-30 minutes and cry and scream throughout the night as well.

DC1 has colic, nothing worked except time. It passed when by the time he was 16 weeks.

DS2 has severe allergies, so along with that had crippling stomach pains, reflux, severe eczema, asthma.

DS3 is 7 months and 'just' has reflux but fuck me there was some screaming. He was so unhappy for the first 4-5 months.
We found that the highest dose of ranitidine worked.
The first try at the lowest dose did bugger all.
I wish I knew about the highest dose for the other two kids, I think it could have helped them too. Omperazole made things significantly worse for us. Gaviscon made him constipated which aggravates the reflux.
We are weaning now and there are a few triggers. Dairy being one of the main ones. I don't think he has an allergy. I think he just has reflux and until that clears up certain foods will aggravate it.

In your shoes I would be trying a formula that didn't contain cows milk and a good high dose of ranitadine.

But it does get better.

OP well done for being open about how you feel . Babies can be seriously shit & hard work. I was warned by family to expect the first 6 months to be a total write off & i think that helped me cope.

Mine was (comparatively) not a screamer but he still went through the crap phase between about 1 & 3 months where they just seem inconsolable.

The only things that worked to ease the crying at times:

• vibrating bouncy chair positioned in front of changing colour fairy lights left over from Christmas
• turning on the hoover. My carpets have never been so clean.
• Turning on the hairdryer.
• mine was bf so feeding but for a bottle fed baby try a dummy.

- driving

• rocking very very vigorously in a glider rocking chair - the parents room thingy in a local department store (I think it was John lewis) had one.
• being in the sling
• taking him to the swimming pool - I had 2 weeks when he was about 10 weeks old where I went almost daily. It saved my sanity.

With hindsight I realised a lot was overtiredness, a vicious cycle that feels impossible to break. Eventually I had a week or 2 where I just did anything to get him asleep... it did help.

My eldest son had silent reflux that dragged on for 15 months. I also developed an autoimmune disease at the same time (triggered by stress, I believe) so it was sheer hell. I really feel for you.

Don’t get fobbed off by the “it’s just colic” line. Do they have pediatric GI doctors in the UK? We got a referral to one (I’m in the US) when my son was ten months, and it did help ease the severity of the problem. Sleep wedges can be useful, but I found a slight elevation in my son’s stroller (I had an Uppa Baby Vista) put him in a position where he was somewhat comfortable. He actually slept in that overnight until he was 15 months. You’re in crisis mode, and you do what you can to get through the phase.

Things I relied upon:

The Beco Gemini carrier. Your baby is almost big enough for a structured carrier, which I found way more comfortable than a sling. It’s the only way my son would nap.

Dark rooms, white noise apps, and vigorous rocking (Happiest Baby on the Block-style) are your allies. My son would also be soothed by the sounds of a vacuum and a tumble dryer.

My son is now 8 and an absolute joy. He feels strongly about everything, but he’s a straightforward, loving, funny and smart boy. And he has no food intolerances or allergies. And he’s out like a light each night at 7.30 on the dot! You will get through this, but don’t hesitate to reach out to family and friends for extra help.

There are high needs babies who want to be held all the time - normal but tiring - and then there are babies who scream and scream and scream blue murder all the time for no obvious reason - needs investigation imo.

Totally agree go back to the Paediatrician, and try him on a lactose free or allergen free milk if formula feeding, and if you're bf try going on an allergen free diet.

Big hugs, I have a difficult baby, and I hugely resented him when he was a newborn. He had jaundice and colic and screamed constantly. He would only sleep on me and instantly woke up and screamed when he was put down. We tried everything to no avail. It got a lot better after nearly 4 months, and going to baby groups helped me get out of the house. I was well on my way to PND I think. I’d just burst into tears for no reason throughout the day. Luckily my OH would take half days off to help and sort him out in the mornings so I could get some sleep which all helped. I think I scared him a few times as I’d just cry and hit myself in the head (totally abnormal behaviour for me).
There is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just going to take a bit longer to get through the other side. I now no longer cry and hit myself and can go for a wee on my own without him having an epic meltdown now!

Oh and it is TOTALLY ok to resort to things like:

• feeding & changing baby then putting them safely in the cot (with a baby monitor) and just leaving the room for a few minutes to give yourself a break
• putting the baby in front of some nice soothing telly, if it stops the screaming.

Reflux babies are SHIT!!! I had one and it is hard. Keep going to the GP and get treatment for the babies reflux. You may also have PND so you need some help with that too. They do grow out of it.. mine is 8 now and is the sunshine in my every day but the first year was the hardest of my life!

Oh OP - it sounds awful.

When my son was 4 weeks old he started screaming and screaming all the time. The nights were the worst and nothing I could do would soothe him. If he slept in the day it would only be for very short periods and then he’d wake up and be upset again.

I took him to the GP who said it was likely reflux and prescribed some Ranitidine. That worked for a few weeks but then his symptoms ramped up again and I went back to the GP. I ended up crying because things were just so bad.

The GP said that the symptoms were most likely then to cow’s milk protein allergy. I was breast feeding but he prescribed me ten tins of Nutramigen and said it was up to me whether I switched to formula or whether I removed dairy from my diet and continued breast feeding.

I decided to continue BF and within a few weeks of me removing dairy from my diet I had a different baby.

He’s two years old now and he still can’t have dairy.

CMPA is very, very painful for babies so please let that spur you on to asking your GP to trial some dairy free formula. I know you feel like you hate your baby but I doubt very much that you want to see him in pain so please discuss this possibility with your doctor.

And as has been said before, Lactose Intolerance and Dairy Intolerance are two completely separate things although for some reason a lot of people seem to think they are the same. Lactose Intolerance is very rare whereas Dairy Intolerance is quite prevalent.

It sounds like things are really tough and I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. I really hope the GP agrees to trial dairy free milk so things can improve for you both. Even if he doesn’t though, I believe it is something you can purchase yourself and you have nothing to lose by trying it.

The best of luck and I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon

Oh god op I feel you :( you poor thing. I can't add much more to what pp have said but PLEASE be assured this won't be forever even though it feels like it.

Please talk to your GP as you almost certainly have PND. Or your health visitor. They will help you. I recommend getting a sling to see if your baby will let you wear him so you can go out of the house while he's still quite little. It probably is reflux/silent reflux and this is the hardest time, it will get easier but you must reach out for support

If it's colic it is likely to get much better soon (around 12 weeks) so hold off thinking about work for now.
You really need to reach out. You don't need to do this alone.

OP, you can’t do this constantly, it is no surprise you feel so fed up. I think you are trying hard enough to make him feel better but you also need to care for yourself.

If he is well enough, has been fed, is not wet and you are overwhelmed, put him in his cot, close the door and breath deeply several times for 5 minutes before going back in. This may be a sleep training technique but in this case I think you should see it as a survival technique for you to last the day.

Lots of good suggestions here, I really feel for you op but don’t feel alone. I doubt you need ad s , anyone would feel worn down by constant baby crying. Keep going back for help, tell them you are at the end of your tether, and meanwhile really try to get a break - a neighbour, home start, if I knew you I’d have your baby for an hour or so just so you get some respite so I’m sure other people will too especially if they think you are desperate. When mine were babies I sometimes put them in the gym crèche and I’d go and sit in the cafe ( having walked there first!)💐

I can really sympathise. It’s a long time ago now but I can totally relate. My first child cried relentlessly only stopping to feed. I look back now and realise I probably had PND too but never did anything. My son had colic so the doctors said and we tried drops etc with title success. I think as a new mum I was tense too and think this was sensed by him. I have to say I thought I’d never be able to cope but I joined a local post natal group got to know some local mums ....one in particular who had a very similar baby. We used to meet up and walk and talk (with both kids crying) but seemed bearable with someone else there going through the same thing.
I have to say though the doctors said colic subsides at 4 months and almost like magic at about 4 months and a couple of days the frying started to relent...I’d have never believed it but it did.
Remember being a mother is not easy and even harder with little support. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Instead of you both going to parents let your hubby take the baby and you have an hour to yourself ...take a long bath or a sleep and just recharge. Big hugs. You’re a good mum ...you wouldn’t be on here asking if you weren’t. Don’t be afraid to tell people both professionals and family you’re struggling. They can’t help if the don’t know.

My friends baby screamed all the time and he eventually just grew out of it.
She really struggled though, like anyone would. She coped by going for long walks with headphones in listening to music. He still screamed but she got a bit of a mental rest. Getting outside had always helped me with my mental health too.

Could you listen to music/white noise (rainfall, storms etc) to separate yourself from the situation every now and again? That way you're still physically there but can mentally get away for a bit.

I understand you need to find a way to help him stop screaming but I thought this might help you in the meantime. Hope it gets better soon.

@Slomi

I am not ashamed to admit I ended up on anti-depressants for 3 months

3 months? Was that long enough? My understanding is that it takes about 3 months for benefit to really be felt and minimum a year recommended to be on them

Have you tried Aptamil Comfort Milk? We had similar problems with DS. The Comfort Milk changed everything. Much, much more settled baby.

Bless Mumsnet, this sort of thing is where it really shines ❤️ look at all the people trying to help

I'm so sorry, having a baby is really hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. When people say go to GP or health visitor. They mean for you. This is hard and you need some support. Bonding with your baby doesn't always come straight away and it sounds like you need some support. It does sound like you have post natal depression. It's very common and completely understandable. Therapy can help, you don't have to take medication, but it could help.

Hi OP I had really difficult time with DS felt like he hates me, mixture of overtired and colic here's some things that helped me;
Routine; bath, book, bed by 8pm I was doing till 10 and think he was getting overtired. In the morning he wakes up between 6-7 (wakes up every 3 hours for a feed still) change his clothes draw curtains etc downstairs do things I need to, nap 9-11ish feed and then in the pram for a walk (found a nice bumpyish track helped him poop and calmed down the colic) back home lunch/other jobs small nap sometimes but growing out of this one now (5 months old) after lunch anything else I need to do etc , nap 3-4.30ish then awake till bedtime, I'd swap morning stroll for other things once he outgrew the colic but found the pram really helped with that. And still make sure I take him out for a walk once a day, he screamed to start with and when he used to scream it used to make me sweat!🙈 All mums/dad's have been there, no one has a right to judge you all babies are different .
It does get easier!! Also thought I night have PND but turned out I was massively anaemic which can cause depression if untreated (who knew?🤷).
You'll find what works for you, motherhood is hard! But your not alone!!🤗

Oh and running the hoover round, blocks out the noise but means your doing something rather then stressing?

It’s really hard, my daughter was similar. Can I just say, I don’t want to be a dick for saying it at all, but the only thing that got me through was the knowledge that it doesn’t last forever. But they always go through ‘a stage’ and tbh, I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old now and I’m not sure it ever gets easier, in some ways it does, but in other areas it can toughen.

You are struggling and it’s ok to struggle, but you cannot change your babies behaviour. You can only change the way you react to it, it’s never going to be a breeze and we all have our secret struggles.

Accept help, medication is not evil, living every day the way you’re doing is. If it’s not the crying it’ll be something else.

(Speaking from a girl who won’t even take a paracetamol, but accepted certraline.)

Take care!

I had a baby who cried all the time. She later developed constipation. I sometimes wonder if the crying was manifestation of an intolerance.

Anyway, she was a lovely toddler and is a lovely child.

Having said that, you don’t have to stay off work a year! I went back at six months (part-time) and having my childminder on side was a big relief. I also went to stay with my parents for several weeks (without DH) when I was at my most low and struggling.

Looking back I may have had PND but it wasn’t entirely surprising - it was bloody hard work!