To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

*milks

I had two children who had cows milk protein allergy. With DD1 the screaming was horrific and when I look back I can't even think how we got through it. He's only 10 weeks old so you might not see any symptoms.
Go back to the GP and ask for a trial on a prescription formula like aptamil pepti or Neutramigen.
You are not a terrible mum and you don't hate your baby just the circs that you're in. Good luck OP

Can't believe pp's are suggesting noise cancelling headphones and leaving him to cry in a cot at 10 weeks old.

I they were suggested as an alternative to losing it.

In answer to your last question OP my babies were dreadful until their formulas were switched.
The most common formulas to start a baby on are the pepti and Neutramigen. These are formulas where the proteins are broken down which makes them easier to digest.
Both these eased the symptoms of my children but didn't completely solve the problem so there are also amino acid formulas like Neocate (which mine had) if the others don't work.
Honestly OP within 2 days of both my children being on Neocate it was like someone had waved a magic wand. I can't tell you the relief. Please go back to the GP and insist on a trial. Being fobbed off with colic, teats, bottles etc is surprisingly common so stand your ground.
As a PP mentioned you can also purchase some tins as a trial on the internet if you'd prefer to try before you ask for a prescription.

they were suggested as an alternative to losing it.

If that's the case then OP needs to seek immediate baby not ignore and neglect the baby

immediate help * not baby

My DD was like this until 4 months when we were prescribed ranitidine for silent reflux, she was still difficult but could be put down for longer and improved month on month. I was begging to go back to work but stuck it out and now she is ten months and I dont want to go back. I assume when you are going back you will be using a childminder/nursery. Could you put him in there now for two hours twice a week just to give you a break? If you go back to work you will still have to deal with this in the evening/nights and it will be so hard to work on the lack of sleep.

I would ask doctor to refer you to counselling. I didn't want it and thought it wouldn't help and would just be an extra hassle but it was really good. A PND therapist came out to see me at home and gave me a lot of support. There were groups for mums with similar babies that she told me about, though I didn't go.

@PatricksRum, if you read my post properly you'd see that I was suggesting noise cancelling headphones whilst still cuddling and comforting the baby, just to be clear. It means you're still with the baby, still comforting the baby and still attending to their needs without the adrenaline response that their crying gives you that makes you feel stressed and anxious and so terribly low. I would never advocate leaving a baby to cry, other than for 5 minutes or so if the OP needs to step out of the room to take a breath. My DS has never been left to cry, he's never not had his needs met. Wearing headphones has absolutely no impact on the baby whatsoever. Their needs are still being met, they are still being comforted, their Mum is still there, but it can make their Mum's stress levels that little bit lower, which, when you're feeling the way the OP says she does atm, can only be a good thing for the baby.

Nothing wrong with noise cancelling headphones. I found them useful - when i had a chance to sleep & someone else was taking care of the baby, I managed to properly block out the noise and rest.

I suggested noise cancelling headphones too. It would even be fine to put him down for short periods even if he is crying if you need to get something done or have a short break from holding him. Of course you need to use common sense and keep him safe and as comfortable as possible.

Go back to the doctor.

I have had babies with reflux and I wanted to die.

I got :
Neocate milk
Zantac
Carried them in a sling until 6 months old (All the time, all the time!) We took shifts with it.

It's torture, but it does end, and goes away eventually. (Then it comes back when they are teething but the rays of light have broken through by then.)

You can survive this.

The one thing that helped me was my friend had a baby with down syndrome and reflux, so I thought at least I am only dealing with reflux, my friend had heart issues to worry about too. She survived too.
It will be ok, but you have to just focus on surviving now. Good luck.

MyDS was, exactly like this. It wasnt reflux, it wasn't an allergy or la to se intolerance. I too tried everything and it 9nly worked for a few days or so. Like you I was on my own with a, partner working long hours. No one can understand what it is like to be with a baby who cries all the time. It is mentally, physically and emotionally draining. The sense of helplessness is overwhelming.

In my son's case, it stopped suddenly when he tyrned 14 weeks. No idea, why. During that time, I too got 5o 5he point of sincerely regretting having him even though the love was there. I would have handed him over if anyone had offer.

I'm glad to say that he is now a lovely 16yo and could t imagine my life without him. The moment he stopped crying all the time, I was able to let me love him unconditionally. It will get better OP, it really will.

@PatricksRum leaving your baby for a few minutes in a safe place after several hours of crying when you feel like you are losing the plot is not neglect: it may be in parents and child's best interest. It might not be for everyone but try not to be one of those parents who judges and sneers at the choices of others. That kind of reaction is hardly helpful to anyone in this extremely challenging situation. People are just managing as best they can.

If it’s a milk allergy then lactose free milk will make no difference. Lactose is the sugar that occurs in milk. Milk allergies are an allergy to cows milk protein. Lactose intolerance is something completely different and is very rare in children. Cows milk protein allergy (CMPA) on the other hand is very common and the treatment is to remove all dairy from the diet.

Symptoms vary massively between children and there are two variations of the allergy (ige and non-ige) which are quite different. Colic type symptoms (constant crying and appearing to be uncomfortable/in pain) could be a symptom of an allergy. You need to speak to your GP.

You also need to speak to a GP about how you are feeling. Stress and exhaustion are normal for new parents but there comes a point where it’s more than normal feelings of stress. It sounds like you could have PND.

I really think it could be chronic overtiredness. If he's only getting short bursts and getting most of his sleep quota overnight then it may be that this pattern of sleep just doesn't suit him. Follow up on people's advice about cmpa (my DD has it also) but do look at his daytime sleep. Babies who wake after 15 mins and are unhappy during the day, do so because they're overtired and can't transfer to the next sleep cycle. The issue is how to get the sleep into him but once you do sleep will feed sleep and he will start having longer naps.

We found that naps in the sling worked well for dd2 who had trouble napping - out of the sling she'd nap for 15 mins after trying for hours - in the sling (after some practice) she'd fall asleep straight away and sleep for 3 hours. DD3 preferred the buggy and would sleep for 2 hour stretches but wouldn't at all anywhere else. Some people find long walks help (mine refused to sleep outside)...but you need to find the thing that works for you. If he wakes up after 15 mins then work on getting him back to sleep - even if it takes an hour or two, eventually he'll get the message.

Mine was like this for the first 3 months. I thought I was cracking up. I wanted to run away. I hated her. I thought of killing myself. I had no support and 24 hours with a crying, puking baby.

She had cows milk protein allergy and on special milk my life changed in a day. Please seek help again

Lactose intolerant and cows milk protein allergy are different. Lactose free milks still have milk protein in them eg pepti 1. The formula needs to have the protein broken down.

You need to go to the gp. Not about him. About you. You really sound like you need to get treated for post natal depression. Please do.
Also my first baby was like this at the start. Mainly due to my mistakes as a first time mum. My biggest mistake was not giving her enough day sleep which was making her not sleep at night. There is also the feeling of oh no this is my life now. But it's not. It's a phase and it does pass. There will be other phases and they too pass. It really does get easier. But I think your immediate concern is your mental health and you need medical help.

@littleskittle Where does it say for a few minutes? The impression from the post was stick on the headphones, put baby in the cot and leave to cry.

Can I also ask those with CMPA did you find your babies fussy at feeds? Feed time and immediately after for about twenty minutes is the only time he’s happy

No she wasn't fussy during or after but she was very windy during and after. She was moved onto aptimil pepti at 4 days old though so maybe not long enough for enough of a build up to be fussy....

In the early days, before CMPA was suggested he would feed absolutely fine but 30 minutes later he would be screaming and screaming in pain. It would last for hours, nothing I did helped him and it was so upsetting.

However, when things temper up at 10-12 weeks of age he started getting very fussy with feeding and it got to the point where he just screamed when I tried to feed him. It was heartbreaking because he wanted to feed because he was hungry, but then he’d scream and push away because he knew how much it would hurt. I would be in tears many times a day, just begging him to feed whilst he screamed in my arms.

It was the feeding aversion that led me to go back to the doctors and say that 5 weeks on ranitidine had done nothing and things were actually getting worse. It was during that appointment that the GP suggested it was actually CMPA.

@Jadefeather7 please try baby osteopath. It chances the whole experience of being s mother for me. My labour was long and it resulted in a very grumpy baby and only after a gentle massage from an osteopath was he calm. His wee neck has been sore.

I know people might disagree but I'm sharing what worked for me. I got a wrap sling when my non sleeping constantly crying dd was about 8 weeks. It changed everything. She was basically stuck to me! But she started sleeping so much. At times I would have to wake her for feeds, pop her back in and she'd sleep til next feed. Her night sleep improved too. The downside was I had her attached to me all day from morning til night but in comparison to the constant crying and screaming this was heaven. People who haven't experienced what it's like to have a constantly crying baby used to criticise me for having her attached to me so much but they didn't understand the alternative. Anyway that lasted about 3 months with her gradually sleeping less time in the sling and more in her bed. She's 6 now. You will get through. You asked what good will anti depressants do when it's his crying causing the problems. The anti depressants will help you as you sound like you're suffering pnd. You should consider it.

My story of CMPA is very similar to Queenof myprinces.
My DD's would be hungry so would scream and then I'd give them a bottle and they'd only ever be able to take around 2 oz before becoming too windy and wouldn't be able to take any more and then would scream. It was a vicious cycle. My children had other symptoms such as terrible smelling wind, excema all over their bodies, vomiting constantly etc.
DD 1 in particular around 9 weeks began to associate feeling poorly with her bottle and would refuse to drink it. Nothing worked with mine until they were put onto Neocate. I thought I was going out of my mind so understand how awful you must be feeling OP.