To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

Oops seat pic

Please talk to someone OP!!! I was the same as you but didn't speak to anyone until DS was 11 months old as I'd completely had enough and was on the verge of leaving my child and DP, turns out I had PND & severe anxiety. I was put on anti depressants and had therapy. I know you say you don't want medication but PND is an illness of the brain, I refused medication but my go said something that I will never forget "if you have an ear infection you would take antibiotics, if you had surgery you would take pain relief, if you had a broken bone you would wear a cast. Depression is a chemical illness and as such needs medical treatment like all the above situations"
PND if left untreated will just get worse, I know I was there! you need to seek some help and support, there is such a huge stigma around depression, people say pull yourself together but it is an illness and needs the right treatment to fix. Once I understood I was depressed things fell into place, I didn't hate my baby I just didn't know what to do as my brain wasn't working properly.
Please, please talk to your gp

Urgh my first was like this. I think I was overfeeding him in hindsight. I'd feed him and then he'd throw up so I'd feed him again...and repeat. Anyway whatever the reason, babies are so hard and if you have no support it can feel unbearable. It will pass though and settle down but in the meantime anything you can do to make it easier for yourself, do it. Buy ear plugs and give yourself a thirty minute bath maybe. Little things can really help.

OP please try to go to local mum and baby groups. Meeting up with other mums kept me sane when my eldest was born. Playgroups, mikspots, one o clock clubs all have volunteers who will be happy to listen and help.

Also, remember that nothing very very good or very very bad, lasts very very long. In 4 months your son will be eating solids and things will have changed.

Baby crying all the time doesn't sound normal but I've heard of similar cases. One distant family member ended up just putting him to bed and staying away for a couple of hours to rest because nothing she did made a difference and she couldn't cope anymore.

I think you need :

• to check again if there's anything physically wrong (colic, allergy, reflux, etc)
• to get help so you get time for yourself to rest and relax. Husband should be able to take over when back from work, at least for an hour or two. And maybe you can hire the occasional help in daytime.

You sound exhausted and I totally understand ; I had a hard time coping with the loss of independance after ds was born, and he's an easy-going, self-sufficient baby most of the time.

My dd had cows milk allergy and no rash or mucousy poo. Also max dose ranitidine combined with max dose omeperazole is the combination that helped my dd's silent reflux. Silent reflux and milk allergy are a common combination. She too would scream all day and night. Screamed if laid at all flat so no pram or car seat. Outwards facing in a carrier from a few weeks old sometimes worked for a bit. Go back to the gp.

It really does sound like reflux, I’m sorry you’re finding it so hard OP (we found it hellish too when my DC was a reflux baby) do you BF or FF?
If you FF look at Aptamil reflux milk (it does help I promise) the meds can work but they are weight dependent so the dosage needs to be changed as their weight does

Have you got anyone to talk to op? Any groups you could go to? (Even if you go and baby screams, just go, everyone there will be used to screaming babies) a trip to the GP to talk this over could help too (when you’re feeling up to it)

I used to foster new born babies, with few problems, except for one little girl who was with me for 5 months from birth, and she was like your little boy. It was so difficult to handle. Her screaming continued after she was adopted, but lessened once she was weaned on to solids, but with odd bouts sometimes. When she was 15 months old and visiting someone else's home, and just newly walking, she walked herself across the room, just made it to an armchair, and sort of flung herself at it, burying her face in the seat cushion. When she stood up straight, her face was red and swelling up very quickly. They rushed her to A&E. It turned out that she was allergic to cats. As a result of that they did more allergy tests. She was allergic to cows milk and eggs as well as several other things. At the stage I had her, her only symptom was screaming. It's worth getting it checked out.

My first was like this.

Are you breastfeeding? I was and gave up dairy and she improved. Mind you, around the same time we started giving her infacol - people suggested we cut one out to see which was making the difference, er, no way, I didn't care what worked as long as something had!

Oh love. It’s murder. Mine was like this, he had silent reflux (which got better with ranitidine once a lovely locus doctor finally took me seriously and diagnosed it) and I hated my life. It will get better but right now you need some help.

Is there Home Start in your area? If so a volunteer mum can come round and give you a break for a wee bit, let you sleep or just have a wee bit of time alone.

My DD was like this for around 4 months. I changed to the lactofree version of the formula I was giving her and it really made a difference. She also cried a lot less when she started to play by herself and discovered her hands, at around 4 months. Hang in there, it will get better, but please find someone who will help for a while.

This is what your health visitor is for. Please talk to her and she can refer you to people who can help. I’m in the same situation with a 12 week old baby and my HV is signing me up to local groups for babies and parents. I have tried Gripe Water which worked quite well and I go out for two long walks with my baby a day in her carry cot to help settle her. I try to hold her as much as I can although she is now pulling my hair.

Is your baby sleeping well at night, mine wasn’t and then just a couple of weeks ago started sleeping for 8 hours at night. It will get better but talking and getting medication is nothing to be ashamed of.

How is he fed? DS1 was like this when he was tiny and I was terrified of him because he just screamed whenever he was awake. I was breastfeeding him and it turned out he wasn't latching properly and was basically hungry all the time. He'd wake up because he was hungry, try to feed, tire himself out crying and fall asleep for about half an hour, then it started again. I cracked and gave him a bottle of formula and he slept for 4 hours - amazing!

If you are breastfeeding and it's going well and you don't think it's contributing to the issue, then I am absolutely not suggesting you change what you're doing. It just sounds like your DS is a bit like mine and my life improved no end when I decided to do a mixture of expressed breast milk and formula by bottle.

FWIW I think people are very quick to say it’s ‘not his fault’ and whilst yes obviously it’s not a baby’s fault...they can be a real pain in the ass lets be honest.

Constant screaming, refusal of being put down, incredibly needy and completely draining/exhausting. We love our baby’s but they’re not fun! No matter how much you think you know that when you get pregnant....you really can’t ever appreciate how shitty babies are until you’ve had 4 hours of broken sleep in 72 hours, feel and look like shit....and they start screaming again🙄

I doubt there’s a mother out there who hasn’t been tempted to put ear plugs in and take a nap before

Sorry that I haven’t rtft as don’t have time but if it’s cmpe allergy, buy some dairy free formula from the pharmacy and try him on that for a few days. It’s expensive but if it calms him, means that it’s likely a dairy issue and you can then get it prescribed by G.P.
They don’t need mucousy nappies - could be mild intolerance that’s causing him pain.
Hope things settle for you. First few months are a shock to the system anyway, let alone when you have little support and an upset baby

Hiya. You might not have PND, I think no one would enjoy a constantly screaming baby and struggle to bond. Mine weren't cries generally other than an hour in the evening and that often had me in tears. But go back to tumour GP. May be able to find something up with the baby or help you if not. And mention to the HV they will have seen this a million times before

I wouldn't go back to work tbh, you're possibly at worst half way through the shitty horrible period and youd be giving up your chance of spending some nice quality time with a happy smiley baby when a corner is turned in a few months. Good luck

This is a really hard stage and its harder with a sick baby especially doing it mostly on your own. Please think about all the suggestions here: you need physical help for you, meds, second medical opinion for baby, and some headspace to rekindle loving compassion for yourself and child. Children (toddlers and older children) are much better fun than this poor screaming mite you have now. You will get through it.

OP I really feel for you, my DS was the same it was an awful time, he was my second, I mourned the relationship I had with my first, I never got a minute with her as he cried continuously for years.
I don't have advice only sympathy, I got really badly depressed, I mean suicidal, I did go back to work but my child minder gave him up.
He is 4 now and showing signs of ASD.
Now I see lots of it as sensory from birth, he came out crying, kept everyone awake on the ward, I love him dearly now but it took a few years.

Is he formula fed? Try lactose free formula if he is. It's worth a try.

Does holding him face down in airplane mode help? Colic does start to go down around 4 months usually and you're nearly there.

Can you hire in help?

You have my sympathy my first was incredibly hard work. How well does he nap?

It took a long time to figure out but with my DS he was basically overtired. I needed to get him back to sleep after he had been awake (including feeding) for no more than 45-60mins. If he got overtired he couldn’t get off to sleep and would fight it and rewake after 10mins. I became very regimental with awake/play time, feeding and then back to sleep, it was like a military operation and I was constantly clock watching but he was a much happier baby and anything was better than the constant irritation.

Please go back to your GP or HV and day what you have said here. That it’s too hard, that you can’t do it anymore. They will get you the help you need.

Having a newborn is so hard and it sounds like your little “bundle of joy” is harder than most. This will get better. You are in the dark before the dawn, but you need to get help to teach that point. PND is incredibly common and probably causing a proportion of what you feel.

You are an amazing mum. If you weren’t you wouldn’t feel like you were failing - no-one could be a better mum for your DC than you. Well done on writing it down and asking for help, now try and tell
Someone in RL.

Take care.

I didn't hate my babies but I was more than happy to outsource the crap bits and went back to work at 4 and 5 months pt . Now teens I've never regretted it for a moment. It might not the be the answer for you, but never ever feel bad about it if it's what you want. I bet your DH wouldn't swap his long hours at work with you.

I haven't rtft.

Either feeding or crying for us was silent reflux. It was hell.

If you haven't already have him checked out.

Bit crude but I thought this might help? You're at a really tricky age for crying with colic now and have been for over a month, but it will start to get better soon.

Totally echo others, there is more available for PND than just ADs (as helpful as they can be), I'd definitely approach your GP.

It's shit right now but you're doing an amazing job