To hate my baby

[Jadefeather7]

I’ve posted about my baby here before. I’m beginning to feel like I hate him and I don’t want to hold him.

He’s 10 weeks and since birth has screamed almost constantly. If he’s awake and not feeding he’s screaming, crying or fussing 90% of the time. Nothing really works- white noise, music, dummy, swaddling, swing. He hates the car seat and pram so I can’t go anywhere. He’s sometimes ok if he’s being held and walked around. I do that as much as I can but I can’t walk around all day long. I have a sling and I wear that if I can but he tires of that after an hour or two. I’ve taken him to the cranial osteopath and it’s made no difference. I’ve taken him to the paediatrician who prescribed omeprazole for reflux and he seemed ok for a day or two so I got my hopes up but then it was back to the same. I don’t have much support as my husband works long hours and our parents are unable to help much except at weekends when we try to visit them for a few hours. I don’t know what to do with him. I wish I could give him up. I don’t want to take anti depressants- I hate taking medication and I feel like the problem is him not me.

OP, this sounds truly difficult. It's so tough for the first few months but with a child that's really fussy and seems inconsolable, it must be excruciating. Please know you're not the only mum to feel this way. I would suggest maybe taking to your doctor ASAP. I'd ask for advice about trying maybe non lactose milk if the baby is bottle fed or another opinion at least. Secondly, I'd ask for advice about post natal depression. It's not easy being far from family and with a partner that isn't present due to work so sometimes depression may cause some of the feelings you're experiencing, in addition to the day-to-day baby struggle. Xx

Thanks for all the suggestions.

He’s formula fed and currently on anti reflux milk.

I just feel like my GP and HV are clueless. They keep pushing infacol, gripe water, Colief etc I’ve tried them all! I thought omeprazole would be the answer because everyone kept saying it’s reflux but he’s still the same.

The paed who specialises in Gastro issues and allergies didn’t bring up allergies but I guess I can ask him about them.

I think he is much worse on days he’s over tired but he’s just too unsettled in the day to sleep. I can’t always get him to Sleep after every feed and if I do then he usually wakes up after 15-20 minutes. Thankfully he sleeps for about 8 hours at night (5 hours followed by 3) and falls asleep almost immediately after his 10pm feed.

There’s no way I can take him to a baby group. Even taking him got a walk down the road causes huge anxiety because his screaming is so loud and unrelenting.

How will anti depressants help? Will they help me tolerate the screaming better? I just want the screaming to stop.

I second the allergies , my baby is a completely different baby now !

Mine was intolerant to nothing. Allergic to nothing. No amount of black out blinds or white noise and repeat. No reflux. He was just a very high needs baby (see the Dr Sears website). Doctors were sympathetic but repeated, there's nothing wrong with him - he's just a high needs baby. Which didn't fucking help when I had to through it hour after fucking hour, day after fucking day. I loved him eventually- but it wasn't easy. Get help if you can.

My only advice would be to get help wherever possible, I made it harder by blaming myself as a mother.

Which milk do you suggest trying? I don’t like to keep changing his formula because of the constipation is causes, I went from a normal one to anti reflux but I guess it’s worth a try...

@YouJustDoYou when did it stop? I was really hoping he’s not a dr sears high needs baby and that there was a physical reason

Has anyone here gone back to work with a baby like this??

If it is colic, it does - magically - end at 14 weeks.

I really feel for you, it's horrible when you can't stop them crying/screaming

But try and take some comfort from the fact that he is a good sleeper. If you were sleep deprived, things would be much, much worse!

And you don't hate him. You hate not being able to comfort him and stop the screaming.

It will pass - honestly!

@BIWI isn’t colic limited to a certain period during the day rather than all day long?

A very obvious question - sorry if you've already tried this and I'm sure you have! - but have you offered him a pacifier/dummy?

Are you winding him? Maybe he's crying because he's still hungry or feels hungry due to wind?

I know many baby's have allergies, but I don't think it always is that. Some baby's are just less settled, but they pick up on your mood. So then antidepressants might help you be less anxious about him crying and then he might be less anxious too.

@Jadefeather7 - not necessarily; it's often worse at the end of the day, but they can have it more than that.

(Sorry for cross posts!)

You are suffering a tough time. My suggestion would be to try some formula for cows milk protein allergy, the chemist should be able to point you in the right direction. If anti-colic formula and meds are not working, then a change is needed.

Secondly, (this comes as experience currently with a fosterchild of mine, who is now 8 weeks old), find someone who is experienced in cranial osteopathy in babies. The baby we have with us at the moment could not be put down without crying, treated with osteopathy and the change was really dramatic. From not being able to be put down at all without crying, to now happily playing laying on his back and with tummy time.

I hope that you both get relief soon.

Try Wysoy OP. I took one of my DD's to the doctor in the end as she screamed relentlessly. It was a Friday and I simply couldn't face another weekend of the screaming. I walked in, dumped the baby on his lap and said that there was something wrong with her and if he couldn't find out what I would be throwing her out of the window! It was such a releif to finally own up to how I felt. Goodness me he listened to my description and immediately prescribed Wysoy and said he thought she was lactose intolerant. 24 hours later I had a happy silent baby. I couldn't believe it! That wAS 33 years ago OP and I'll never forget how I felt and she was my third so I just knew it wasn't right. It's a great big hug from me. Look at it this way, it can only get better - I hope it works for you too.

This was my baby constantly screaming for hours and hours. The nights were worst nothing I did soothed him. Turned out to be cmpa identified at fours months. I was bf so no special formula. He also developed egg and soya allergy. No rashes at all.
A few months ago we were back to the al night screaming he did it in the day to but that was easier to deal with. HV and GP just basically said I wasn’t parenting him well. Turned out to be soya allergy (thank you nhs dietitian) a fortnight after cutting soya out of our diets it was like having a new child.

OP, I'm not saying this is your circumstance, but I was dismissed multiple times by our GP. I totally understand why, as my child presented as having eczema on his face and being upset but none of the usual symptoms of an intolances to milk but I deduced it from 6-9momths. Allergy tests don't always pick up intolances which are more likely to cause upset tummy, gas, discomfort. If you have enough (it's pricy) to try and test a pharmacy non lactose substitute I would (I did) and it coukd help.

I would however, still speak to the doctor about your own feelings about this. They will only support you and if nothing else, it's a real person listening to your real feelings.

You are doing a great job, look after and be kind to yourself. Xxx

I really feel for you OP. I also seriously considered going back to work at one point about 4 months (not screaming but awful sleep issues). I also took him to the HV and GP more than once and was told he was fine. Like you, no advice I was given by them (or anyone else to be honest) helped. And I tried EVERYTHING.

I remember people telling me at the time that it wouldn't last forever and I didn't believe them. But of course it didn't. My baby eventually slept longer than 40 minutes and your baby will eventually be happier when he's awake.

It feels like it's never going to end, but it will. Huge hugs and keep reaching out for support wherever you can.

Even if you're breastfeeding it could be allergies, things pass through into breastmilk.
Two separate things:
Lactose intolerance
Milk protein allergy
There are different formulas for both.
Please go back and tell your gp

Reflux can cause problems and make for fussy eaters too, learning to associate food with pain isn't very nice

Plus of course body position can make it worse

So glad you came on here to talk to people

My friend had a baby like you describe and the only drug that finally worked was ranatadine.

It is NOT normal for a baby to cry and fuss all day every day so if that is a true characterisation then you must get the doctor to listen to you properly.

I’d put significant money on silent reflux and it’s awful OP - I’m sorry you’re going through it.

I’m on ADs - I resisted for 6 months. I have a high needs baby - he sounds different. Needs loads of attention and loads of holding and cajoling and very demanding but not the constant crying you describe.

The ADs have been truly amazing - they help me cope - I don’t feel numb or spaced - just a bit calmer and more even tempered.

Please see your GP and be completely honest. I cried in my surgery that my baby was a mistake and I wish I’d not had him and she was so kind. I’ve been on them 5 months now and I’m a different person.

It took a long time to figure out but with my DS he was basically overtired. I needed to get him back to sleep after he had been awake (including feeding) for no more than 45-60mins. If he got overtired he couldn’t get off to sleep and would fight it and rewake after 10mins.

This for me. DS needed sleep but just could not sleep when out and about as he gor over stimulated by everything around him.

I remember a friend calling me once and saying. 'is he crying again?' She said later that it seemed everytime she called me he was crying in the background. He also did not sleep at night though. At around 4 months I cracked the daytime sleeping with a rigid timetable where we were home for all after lunch naps and where I had to accept a bit of crying before a nap. It was like a miracle and we went from a miserable baby to a normal one. He still woke for a feed but only once a night which was fine .

Unfortunately at around 9 months we moved house and I went back to work and it all went to pot again. He finally started sleeping through the night without any wake ups (unless ill) from 18 months old

The only thing that helped me at all when he was crying was to change how I felt about it. If I was sure he was not ill/in pain (and I had been to the doctor A LOT about it) and he had been fed, winded and changed, I just sat and held him on my shoulder or cuddled him as he cried.

Instead of being desperate for the crying to stop, I started telling myself that I had done everything I physically could and now he just needed to cry for some reason and as his mother my job was not to make it stop necessarily but to hold him a reassure him that it was ok to cry.

This did not always work as I was very stressed and it only ever worked if we were at home. I never cracked this hen we were out as I got too stressed but as time went on, I realised that he often needed to cry a lot before falling asleep so I just had to be a bit patient and hold him and he eventually fell asleep. This only really worked if I was calm and just accepted he needed to cry and stopped being desperate to fix it. Much easier said than done I know .

OP - I just wanted to chime in with my very limited experience...
When mine cried it was because he needed to pass wind! We watched a YouTube video on cycling his legs and pushing them to his chest and eventually he would fart and calm down. But of course the lactose free milk might help too.

Also - I have a theory on how we feel about our babies... when they’re born, good old Mother Nature makes the oxytocin hormone to ensure we feel like protecting our little one to perpetuate the species (some mothers don’t experience this) but it is almost like a chemical love. They’re still strangers to us. But, over time, we actually fall deeply in love with our babies. But it took a good few months for that to happen for me.
I think this time is especially hard as we get nothing back. Looking after a newborn is so intense and yet, you don’t even get a smile.
DS is now 20 months and he is an incredibly loving child. I don’t miss that stage of his life at all.
for you!!

It is so tough I know OP, my DS2 was just like you described and he was EBF, take any help you can get would be my advice, to just have a break from baby, a rest or a shower in peace can help.

My son started to calm down when he was around 7mths, it was a really difficult time that I remember well. My MIL was a great support to us at the time.

It does get easier, do whatever you need to get through it.

I would want to rule out CMPI/A, and reflux. It is not the case that there needs to be other symptoms for this to be the issue. Many GPS are not sufficiently clued up on this.

It may be that he needs a higher dose of Omeprazole. But first you should try a dairy-free formula. If dairy allergy/intolerance is in play, it is much more likely to be a reaction to the protein (casein), rather than lactose. Don’t go for one based on soy, as it’s not great for young babies, especially boys, and there is often a crossover reaction if they react to casein. SMA Alfamino and Neocate are both completely dairy free, and there are a couple of others. Alfamino is said to be the more palatable, though you shouldn’t have too many problems with acceptance at this age.

It is really tough, OP, but hang in there, as it can all be made 1000 times better.

Lactose intolerance is actually relatively rare in children under 3. Cow's milk protein allergy (CMPA) is more common. People think they are the same thing but they absolutely are not. I would recommend the Nutramigen formula, it made the world of difference for my DD who has CMPA. She went from screaming for stretches of 4 hours at a time (or more) to just a few tears whenever she got hungry or tired. She still has CMPA at over 10 mths, I have her on a goat's milk based formula now instead