To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

I'm trying to be aloof but think will just remove myself from the group chat after the weekend and be friendly but extra professional on Monday.

Have arranged to go out for lunch tomorrow with one of my actual close friends so looking forward to that.

That is brutal!

Obviously nobody HAS to be friends with anybody but to invite the entire rest of the team except one person is really obnoxious.

It’s awful behaviour. There’s no way this could have been overlooked by that many people. I think it’s good you’ve sent the message. I hope someone replies and apologises.

Yes, if they ask you how you are on Monday, just say ''fine thank you!'' and rise above it. That is the only way to make them feel any remorse.

If you call them out on it they will think ''omg she is unstable, paranoid, insecure, needy'' or ''she thinks she can dictate who birthday girl invites''.

Your message was perfect.

People are real twats. It's really juvenile and bitchy to exclude one member of a team in that way.

Like your approach of saying "jealous", OP. Gets the point that you have noticed & are bothered, but no one can turn it on you (eg try to divert attention from the original slight by slagging off a hasty reaction), you've been graceful about it.

Ouch.

I'd remain completely detached and professional from now on. Teflon.

I wouldn't even mention the photo or the WhatsApp's group - to do so would turn it into a teenage girl argument and word would spread around with the others who attended.

Smile and be cordial. It's work. They're not your friends or your family - just colleagues.

This happened to me in work also. Had to learn the hard way that theyre not actually my friends but work colleagues. Leave them at arms length from now on as for the night out coming up make sure u go and enjoy yourself and distance yourself from the ones that purposely left you out. If there are new staff going try and stay with them. It's tough especially if you are like me and have been in the same.job for years.

@Mammyloveswine that was a perfect response. Like saying fuck you without actually saying it.

Enjoy the wine 🍷

Hope they all get the shits and it ruins their night! twats

Perfect response.They know you have seen it,but you havent been snotty about it.

Thanks everyone! Feeling better having read through all the replies!

Definitely remove yourself after the event, when they're sober and can reflect on it.

Happened to me once. One of the women in our small work department was getting married - kept secret me and one other woman had been excluded. After the wedding, one of the women, who'd been a fucking cunt to me before anyway so wouldn't expect any different for her, went our of her way to put the photos of them having fun together at the wedding that had been kept secret in front of me. When I didn't respond, she tapped the photos hard and said "SARAH'S WEDDING WAS SUCH.FUN.". I just remember looking her and thinking, you're 10 years older than me and playing these kind of games? The women who'd also been left out just laughed. We just let them get on with it together from then on in. Who needs that kind of immature attention seeking?

Thats awful! It's the kind of thing that would really play on my mind, I'd be really upset.

You've handled it really well, but are you certain your invite didn't somehow get lost in messages or a paper invite at work? I genuinely can't see that she would exclude one person... That's so cruel.

I can’t believe they’ve done it without thinking of the consequences at work, they must know things will be different now? What a shame to throw it away over something so small.

I think it's extremely unkind. I remember a situation where a family girls day out was arranged. Turned out I wasn't one of the girls and was the only girl left behind. I have never forgotten it, and every invite I receive from them now is coloured by the knowledge that I was not wanted. They are oblivious to what that did to me.

Are you 100% sure there hasnt been some kind of misunderstanding about the invitations?

For you to have no idea of any kind of problem and for them to rub your nose in it is really odd, why are they whatsapping photos if eveyone else in the group is on the night out - have I got that right?

@Chocolatemouse84 definitely not as I'd asked what she was doing and she said she was having a family and close friends "get-together", I knew two of the team were going but like I say it's no secret they're very close friends. But the two newbies who have been with us two months went and didn't mention it (when I mentioned my non-existent weekend plans they just nodded and said "yeah same, not sure what I'm up to yet" type of thing).

Are you sure there hasn't been a misunderstanding
I celebrated a big birthday recently and only invited two of my Co workers but ended up meeting up with a lot more when we were out purely by chance

Good message.

Sorry you feel a bit hurt, OP. Mentally wish them the mother of all hangovers!

Your message was PERFECT and they should be suitably ashamed of themselves after that

Can anyone remember a similar thread a couple of weeks ago? The same thing happened to someone else. I wondered what had happened when she went back into work.

Nice touch, OP. I'd normally recommend saying nothing at all but your message was bright, breezy and sounds unconcerned: hits exactly the right note.

The reality is that excluding you is a pointed gesture that was meant to wound, and if this needed confirmation, the photo was obviously posted on the group with the full intention that you should see it.

I'd look at it this way: they've done you the favour of enabling you to evaluate your friendships in life, to prioritize the ones who matter, and to bin those that don't. People who resort to this kind of childish, en-masse bullying are beneath your notice and not worth your trouble.

You're better off without this spiteful coven anywhere near your life or your confidence

This happened all the time in my last job, my face just didn't fit. It hurts. You have my sympathy. Treating them like just colleagues is all you can do, I'm sorry that people are so mean

That’s horrible. Completely seagull and sounds like you were intended to be left out. I’m a bit dramatic, but I would look for another job if possible. I would really struggle working in the group knowing I was the only one not included. Nasty