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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 07:22

@katewhinesalot, lol, I know! I might as well have burnt that £1,000 in the back garden. I am tempted to ask for it to be repaid (I won’t tho) because when we gave it to them (about 3 months ago) it should have been obvious to them they couldn’t pay the balance so they basically wasted it on something that was never going to happen. Which is bloody annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 07:28

@CoolCarrie, I felt sad for her last night when DH said she was crying her heart out. This morning I feel more annoyed because basically they have thrown away £1k of my money when it must have been obvious to them that they had no hope of paying the balance. Oh well, what’s done is done. They will have to cancel, let their guests know and may be pursued by the hotel for the balance. They are a pair of utter idiots.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/07/2019 08:31

Cake & photos paid for, £1,000 given-there's no reason that that couldn't have equalled a wedding is there?

I'd be very angry & find it hard to not constantly mention itBlush

So they've left it so long it's not just a question of losing deposits or have I misunderstood?

If they have to pay anyway, won't they find a way of making it happen?

GreenTulips · 23/07/2019 08:37

The hotel will lose more than the £3000 balance as they make their money on alcohol.

They won’t be happy.

Does DSD have a copy of the contract she signed? I bet it’s too late and they need to pay regardless.

Winterlife · 23/07/2019 08:37

Surely she could change the menu so that the venue is affordable?

Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 08:40

@diddl, I assume the hotel will pursue them for outstanding balance but if they haven’t got the money then a court can only order a minimal repayment schedule. I doubt it will ever be paid for. They booked it over a year ago, I think they have spent about £300 on wedding dress, some on hen night l, £1k to hotel. We gave them £1k so since they booked it they have come up with about £400. I didn’t sleep well last night cos hot and am feeling very grumpy and annoyed about it all this morning. DSD’s mum may have paid a deposit to a photographer but basically we’re the ones who have incurred a loss on this palaver.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 08:51

Hotel have asked dsd to go to meeting about the outstanding balance. They owe just over £3k and have only paid £1k off the balance. DSD says her mum has not given them any money but will be making cake and paying for photographer (probably equals about £1k).

If her mum hasn't given them anything yet (let alone the £1,000 she promised) then she hasn't helped matters - presumably they were counting on getting that cash? Is this why her mum is so keen to salvage it, because she knows it's partly her mess?

They can not have a photographer, and the mum's money can go towards the balance. I bet there's someone handy with a camera who will take photos. If her mum is making the cake that's already a cost saved.

They have wasted a lot of money without paying for the main event, which is a shame - dress, hen do, stag do etc could all have been economised on if they'd not put their heads in the sand.

I think if I were your DH I would go with my DD to the meeting with the wedding planner and see what, if anything, could be done.
Realistically they venue aren't going to want to postpone - demand for an end of August all-in wedding package at short notice is not going to be high. But perhaps there are ways to cut costs even at this late stage (less drinks, food, flowers etc, depending on what is included in the package) and if DSD's mum can match your £1K perhaps they would agree to a payment plan ... although doesn't sound as if your DD and her ex are necessarily in a position to keep that up.

Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 08:54

@Winterlife, even if they could strip it back to the basic package they would still owe about £1200 with less than 4 weeks to go. I doubt they could raise £120 between them. I’m not giving them another penny, dsd’s mum says she can’t afford it.

@GreenTulips I haven’t seen the contract but with less than 4 weeks to go I assume they are liable for the entire amount. Not that the hotel will be able to get it out of them because they don’t have it. If it goes to court and they do one of those income and expenditure forms the repayment will be something like £10/week max. So unless the hotel get a last minute booking they are going to lose money.

I don’t know what’s up with me today. I’m getting crosser and crosser! They knew when they took our money that no way could they pay for the whole thing and just threw our money away. I’m angry with myself really for being a generous idiot. I’ll take the dogs out in a bit and stomp around the field, that might take the edge off lol.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 23/07/2019 08:54

What a pair of twats. How on earth did they think they were going to pay for all this?

The fact they only spent their money on the dress and hen night says it all. Priorities were a pretty dress and a night out!

JingsMahBucket · 23/07/2019 09:03

If they have the photographer booked already and a cake, dress, etc then they should just do a registry wedding and rent out a hall. The hotel will never see their money.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 09:04

Ugh. Yes, you're right - I think they will just have to accept the consequences of the debt now.

Expensive lesson. But maybe DSD will see that her fiancee is a useless waste of space...

Foslady · 23/07/2019 09:19

If she has a cake, a dress and a photographer isn’t that all she wanted? Forget the actual service, let her prance around in a flouncy dress and eat cake with her mates in the park so she has flowers around her..........sorry but I’m annoyed with you!!!!!

cranstonmanor · 23/07/2019 09:33

Please don't give anymore money for their next wedding. There probably be one and she might think that she is entitled to 1000 for every wedding

Throughthenever · 23/07/2019 09:35

These sound the kind of people that should go on "dont tell the bride"

People were all shocked at how little my wedding cost but we had over 100 day guests and an additional 100 in the evening. But everyone told us it was an amazing memorable day.

I dont get these huge hotel weddings. They seem so expensive and generic(unless you manage to get your own stamp on it)

You may have lost £1k op but hopefully she wont go ahead with marrying the waste of space or sees sense before the next wedding is booked

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 23/07/2019 09:36

It gets worse OP, they’ve had it booked for over a year, so plenty time to pay it off, and have done the square root of sweet FA in any attempt to make payments towards it apart from a lump sum that wasn’t even theirs!

Let this be a tough lesson learned, I have a suspicion that this wedding isn’t about the marriage, or even if she really believes her partner is the one for her, all she wants is to show off and I’ll be very surprised if they get married ever now

Weezol · 23/07/2019 10:19

I wouldn't be going to any meetings with them - they need to do this on their own to feel the consequences.

While nothing this bad ever happened to me, the dumb ass stuff I did in my late teens and very early twenties taught me valuable lessons.

MaybeDoctor · 23/07/2019 10:30

Obviously they are both utterly feckless and ridiculous, but am I the only one who thinks it is a bit outrageous that the hotel will pocket over £1000 and not provide them with any kind of service for it?

Is there really no modest room within the hotel where they could hold their ceremony on their chosen date, with minimal family only and perhaps a few platters of sandwiches afterwards?

AdobeWanKenobi · 23/07/2019 10:52

am I the only one who thinks it is a bit outrageous that the hotel will pocket over £1000 and not provide them with any kind of service for it?
Look at it from the hotels point of view. They have blocked out that date for the dsd. She cancels now the hotel won't rebook that at this short notice. Why should they lose out because bride is feckless. They are lucky if it's only a grand tbh.

Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 10:54

@MaybeDoctor I don’t think hotel are out of order if they keep the money. Dsd booked it, had a food tasting evening and upgraded the menu and entertainment. Turns out there is another £600 for the registrar! She took a booking slot that someone else could have had and paid for. Had they told hotel much earlier that they couldn’t pay for it they might have got a refund but it is now under 4 weeks away.

JingsMahBucket I agree, not sure what their future plans are.

Foslady your comment made me lol cos I was thinking along those lines.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 23/07/2019 10:57

The hotel won’t allow that!
They’ve lost £3K plus drinks
Extra staff won’t get paid
Probably paid caterers deposit etc

Why would they use the £1000 to allow them to get married and provide sandwiches etc

bubblegumunicorn · 23/07/2019 10:59

@MaybeDoctor they might be willing to do something but it would probably be at the discretion of the venue what they do next. But it's way more than £1000 the hotel will pocket if they pursue for the full amount which they have the right to do as they will end up paying the full balance for no service. The wedding business is big money it's the same as anything though once you sign a contract you're locked in to the T&Cs so they will have known they had to pay or be liable!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/07/2019 11:00

Did you find that post on FB about them having paid off the wedding @4dogs? I would have brought that up.

I've been lurking and reading this and I'm delighted your DH didn't cave in when he met her yesterday.

Perhaps a conversation where you're around and keep things nice and calm and show the DSD that it is possible to have a wedding and a marriage but not have to pay the sun moon and stars for it all.

Getting in to debt for one day, is a crazy thing to do. Perhaps you could also work into the conversation about how she is supposed to be marring her DFiance and where is his involvement in this? Why isn't he contributing? As a husband and potential father, he has to lead by example and this is such a poor example to be setting out. Maybe this could be the making of her and she might have the rose tinted specs taken off for the first time in relation to her DFiance. Maybe....

Foslady · 23/07/2019 11:04

Did the fiancé turn up to this meeting or did she have to try and get round her dad on her own.....?

Figgygal · 23/07/2019 11:09

Your husband needs to stand firm I hope he feels he can

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/07/2019 11:18

basically we’re the ones who have incurred a loss on this palaver

Exactly - which is why you're wise not to commit any more, especially when it's so obvious the relationship won't last

No doubt DSD thought "crying her eyes out" was her best chance of getting dad to fold, but I agree with PPs about not getting involved with the hotel. They're the ones who booked it - and tupidly even upgraded - on the basis of nothing to pay the bill with, so it's their job to sort it out