Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
Teacher22 · 22/07/2019 15:01

Do not weaken. Your DSD is being unreasonable and trying to coerce you into giving in. Prioritise your cataract operation and have it done as soon as possible. You should, however, be able to get it done for free on the NHS.

Do not, either , as some poster on this thread advised, guarantee a loan. The DSD will default and it will be the same as giving her the money which you cannot afford and she does not deserve.

Your DSD should have a wedding if and when she can afford it. It does sound as if she shouldn't be marrying the chap in any case, but, if she does, it should be for the cost of a license only at a register office.

spikeymama · 22/07/2019 15:13

It's an outright no in my book. I work part time as an extra bit of income for an outside caterer and have worked at numerous weddings of all sizes. I can honestly say, the less expensive, simpler one's have been the best and most fun. I'd like an AMG Mercedes...but can't afford it. I think I know what my parents/family would say if I bleated and asked for money. If they can't afford this flash wedding they need to reign it in. I agree with all the other OP's.

DeRigueurMortis · 22/07/2019 15:36

There are a multitude of reasons not to give them the money:

  • you can't afford it without compromising your health or business
  • you've already made a contribution in line with that given to your son
  • it would set a precedent (that you can't afford) on not only what the other children might expect as a wedding contribution in the future but also in how to manipulate your DH to get it.
  • it's not clear what the money is actually paying for, how your previous contribution has been spent or the total sum still outstanding. There's a very real possibility of throwing good money after bad here and still finding out there are more bills to settle.
  • why are you being ask to stump up the funds for a wedding the groom and his family have made no contribution to? Does he actually want to be married? He's certainly not pulling his weight according to this "game plan".
  • the groom is a cocklodger. why would you do anything to enable his behaviour further? Or enable DSD to marry someone like this? She's and adult and made her choice. If you choose to marry a feckless layabout then have a wedding that befits your choice.
  • DSD hasn't yet spoken to her father. This is all coming from her mother. Are you sure you have the full story here?
  • being a parent involves teaching your children to be self reliant and financially independent. Bailing them out of poor choices isn't good parenting. It's a free pass to give them leave to replicate the behaviour (and sends the same message to any siblings).
  • you're highly unlikely to get the £1.5k back from her mother.
  • it will impact the relationship between you and your DH. I can't see how it would be possible to resent him bailing them out of totally profligate spending whilst the pair of you are working/saving hard for essentials.

In favour of helping them:

  • your DH doesn't have to play "bad cop".
  • he will likely get lots of praise/attention from DSD in the short term.

In short your DH is being emotionally blackmailed and he needs to be firm.

As pp's have suggested, offer to go through the wedding budget. See what's been paid/outstanding, what deposits etc could be lost. Get a full understanding of what's going on.

If she doesn't want to show you then you have your answer. If she does then work on a plan to reign it in to something they can afford or postpone.

Lmcd18 · 22/07/2019 16:02

Your operation is more important, how would you feel if you lent her all tha money and they divorced in a short time, an who's to say that she will pay it back she may always have an excuse as to why she can't afford to pay you this week! If you can't afford it don't do it!! Tell her

Original poster
4dogs · 22/07/2019 16:06

DH is seeing DSD. I feel quite nervous. If he caves in and coughs up I’m not sure what I’ll do. Hopefully I’m worrying for nothing and he will remain firm. We haven’t been in a situation like this before, it feels like it could turn into a big test of our relationship. If he does agree to pay for it all I think my brain will explode.

OP posts:
Original poster
4dogs · 22/07/2019 16:07

DH is seeing DSD later is what the first sentence should read. My brain is a bit spangled from it all.

OP posts:
Cuppa12345 · 22/07/2019 16:07

Nosquirrels: glad you said that. It's a big bugbear of mine. Along with the proof is in the pudding. No! The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/07/2019 16:19

Does your DH know how strongly you feel about this i.e. it will damage your relationship with him if he enables this lunacy? I would think it disgraceful that he would consider getting a loan or using business funds to in effect enable his DD's abusive partner not to work but he wouldn't consider doing the same to fix his wife's eyesight.

HorridHenrysNits · 22/07/2019 16:46

Guaranteeing the loan will potentially be even worse than just giving her the money, since when she defaults and they pursue it, you could end up stung for any costs of pursuing you too. At least giving her 3k would simply involve giving her 3k until next time.

greenwaterbottle · 22/07/2019 17:11

For me it hangs on the fact that you didn't get into debt for your wedding, so to do it for a feckless Ed's wedding is ludicrous.

PepsiLola · 22/07/2019 17:16

22 is quite young to get married imo, what's the rush?

I know some people get married young and stay together, but not one person I personally know have stayed with their first love.

I hope your DH sticks to his guns and doesn't create debt.

Also if he withdraws dividends from a company with only a small profit, their is the threat of negative reserves...

Devora13 · 22/07/2019 17:21

PirateWeasel I don't think it's thick at all. Whether consciously or not, it sounds like very clever manipulation. I've booked it all because it's what I want, I'm a princess and someone will come and rescue me! And if you don't rescue me, I'll have to throw myself on the mercy of the wicked baron and that never ends well.
The fact that she chose to be in that situation is filed neatly non the denial B n. Serious it needs tackling now. I know someone (very well) in their 60s who has always lived like this and still hasn't learned the lesson even now.

CassianAndor · 22/07/2019 17:30

Your DH needs to take a good long, hard look at himself and the part he has played in producing these 2 pretty grim-sounding young women. Adoring them is of no use if coupled with enabling this kind of behaviour.

Happynow001 · 22/07/2019 17:37

@4dogs

I sincerely hope you've taken your operation money off the table! Your need for this operation far outstrips any other consideration in this situation.

Also if you have not told him how very strongly you feel about him taking money out of the business and what it may do to your finances and, more, your relationship do, please, communicate this very clearly with him so he goes into the conversation with his daughter knowing the possible outcome of his decision to the two of you.

I'm sorry you are going through this - the two of you need to be crystal clear about your next steps. Fingers crossed OP.

cranstonmanor · 22/07/2019 18:02

It doesn't sound like the marriage will last anyway, they are both totally irresponsible, she likes to spend more than they have and he doesn't want to earn anything which will create resentment on both sides. They'll be at each others throats within months.

Cherrysoup · 22/07/2019 18:09

I really hope your DH stands firm and gives her a life lesson about having to earn money themselves. I'm a bit horrified that there seems to be an expectation that you will us your cataract fund money! Neither work?! Bloody hell! Talk about entitled!

Original poster
4dogs · 22/07/2019 18:22

@CassianAndor, I know what you’re saying but DH has never used credit cards, they only ever had what they could afford and he worked very long hours to provide for them. They have in no way taken on board the work ethic, parental responsibility or financial management he has modelled for them. I find it quite baffling. Maybe he provided too much for them, idk.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 22/07/2019 18:27

So why spend all those years modelling the work ethic if his instinct is to enable financial mismanagement? It makes no sense. Did his girls miss out on him being there for them because of his very long working hours and now he feels guilty?

Original poster
4dogs · 22/07/2019 18:31

@HorridHenrysNits, guaranteeing a loan would be insanity because of the mega high apr companies like Amigo charge. There is no way they would keep up with repayments.

@Cherrysoup there is no expectation to use my savings, I said I would rather use them than take a loan or take money out of a young business. My initial emotional response was to offer help but once I’d thought it through I changed my mind. I would be happy to pay a registry office fee should they just want to be married but nothing other than that.

@cranstonmanor we’re all amazed they are still in a relationship. Everyone assumed she’s come to her senses esp as he got 2nd drink driving conviction last year and seems to have given up working.

OP posts:
Original poster
4dogs · 22/07/2019 18:35

MyCatHatesEverybody, possibly. He missed them terribly when marriage broke down. He’s not bailed any of them out before. Couple of years ago his other dd asked him to guarantor a loan for several grand as rent deposit on a flat, he said no and paid two weeks’ upfront for a nice room in a shared house instead which I thought was fair enough, she didn’t have anywhere to live at the time and was in a very low paid trainee job.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 22/07/2019 18:48

Oh my goodness, imagine if he gave one DD thousands of pounds to help her stay with her loser boyfriend after refusing to give thousands of pounds to the DD who was actually building a good life. My god. What a message, eh? If I were the good DD I'd never talk to him again.

Imawomanontheedge · 22/07/2019 18:49

NoSquirrels

I stand corrected 🙄

Imawomanontheedge · 22/07/2019 19:11

Cuppa12345
Nosquirrels
If you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all .
No doubt that will be wrong as well

Phrase police 👮‍♀️ are about 🙄

CrackOn · 22/07/2019 19:18

Hope your DH sticks to his guns, op.

simplekindoflife · 22/07/2019 19:44

Really hope he stands firm OP. You can't enable this irresponsible behaviour. SD needs to take some responsibility and live within her means.