AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

Why is the mum saying its hers and your husbands responsibility? If your DSD wants to get married her and her future husband should pay for it, if they can't afford it they shouldn't plan a wedding till they have some savings put aside....

I got married 3 years ago and it only cost me just over £800 and that was a church wedding.

DH has said no. Hotel have asked dsd to go to meeting about the outstanding balance. They owe just over £3k and have only paid £1k off the balance. DSD says her mum has not given them any money but will be making cake and paying for photographer (probably equals about £1k). I’d assumed they’d been paying weekly or monthly towards the bill but it doesn’t look like they have.
DSD has been making herself ill with stress over it all, says fiancee doesn’t work as they’re worse off when he does.
I’m very relieved DH didn’t cave in.

@Hushhush89 she thinks dd should have her dream wedding even tho she says she can’t stand fiancee and marriage will only last 2-3 yrs. Her logic is very messed up imo.

So the only money they have paid for the wedding is the £1K you and DH gave them?

What Lunde said, they've only handed over the money you've given them and they will probably lose that now What a mess.

What did his DD say to him? Can they cancel or postpone?

It'll be hard but your DH has done the right thing. I'm glad he didn't cave. It might be the start of his DD realising her BF is not worth clinging on to and she might grow up and have an epiphany about her life and the way she has been behaving.

What did she say when he said no?

DSD says her mum has not given them any money but will be making cake and paying for photographer (probably equals about £1k).

Hope that was sarcasm, 4dogs?! Some photos and a cake doesn’t = £1,000!

Anyway, as others said, you’ve effectively paid for it so far if all they’ve paid off is the £1,000 you gave them. How infuriating. Glad your DH is remaining firm. It’s no way to go about being an adult, planning a wedding you cannot afford at all. Bail them out of this and there will always be something else. Better to take the stand now.

Nosquirrels
If you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all .

DSD should send her fiance to the meeting with the venue. He'll be at home, she'll be at work. Why on earth would she go?

Get thee to Netmums NoSquirrels to practice being a nice young lady!

Um, Freedom Programme is supposed to be open to any woman and does not require women to prove they are in an abusive relationship. Or even believe they are.

"Any woman should be able to phone the contact numbers on my website and be told where and when the next session is taking place and whether crèche facilities are available. I do not endorse intrusive questions, referrals or risk assessments."

From their mission statement.

If you're vetting places that's not on.

@4dogs sorry, my mistake.

Well done DH!

Well now ex hasn't given £1k it's not equal, regardless of what she's planning on doing

@thetimekeeper, why would a woman who thinks her relationship is not abusive want to go on the freedom programme? She might not endorse risk assessments but they take place (or they did 5 years ago). When I was involved women were referred, sometimes by themselves, and were assessed for suitability and safety. DSD would not want to go on it, she thinks her fiancee is wonderful.

So glad he didn't cave I was imagining you were going to come back and say he had she really needs to cancel now as if they can get it booked up which is possible if it's popular then they might not come after her for anymore money! It's a shit situation I know how she feels we fell a bit short for our wedding and had to borrow from our savings (we wanted to spend what we could afford not the rainy day back up money) which we paid back over the next 6 months but the difference is we had the full amount to pay off our wedding when we booked if it came down to the wire which it did. You have to weigh up affordability before you book something like this and she's lucky to learn that now before it becomes a larger amount in the future hopefully this will be valuable to her!

@NoSquirrels I wasn’t being sarcastic lol, have no idea what these things cost, didn’t bother with photographer at mine! I think they have spent some of their own money, her wedding dress, her hen night, not sure if they’ve bought rings. I just think they have been very stupid and unrealistic and have buried their heads in the sand by letting it go on this long. It’s sad really, even with just £1k from us they could have had a registry office and a village hall party, maybe asking guests to contribute food instead of presents. As it is dsd has been extremely stressed and now they’re going to have to call it off at the last minute. Unless some sort of financial miracle occurs.

So did your DH’s ex give them £1000 as well?

Wedding photographers cost a fair amount of money even if DSD had a budget package they start from £350 upwards . So your probably right in saying that DSD mum would be paying in the region of £1k for cake and photos .
It really is a sad state of affairs where DSD has buried her head in the sand over this wedding and not spoken out sooner or even had a payment package in place
I’m pleased your DH hasn’t given into the requests for the £3k . Like you say the 1k , given to them by you and your DH , could have definitely gone towards a registry office ceremony.
I just don’t understand where DSD mum is coming from saying DD should have her dream wedding . Not much of a dream wedding if the fiancé is disliked by the immediate family and believe the marriage will only last 2/3 years at the most.
DSD has and is having a very valuable lesson let’s hope she learns from it .

fedup21
No DH ex was paying for the photographer and making the wedding cake .

Hell no ... Save your money.

Look on the bright side. At least they haven't lost any of their money - only yours...

Frankly more fool your Dad for not saving up, and being realistic instead of carrying on like a spoilt child. You sound as if you softened about this, and that is mad! Hold on to your money, don’t give this silly woman any more.

Dsd that should read!