AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

Why should his family contribute, he isn't contributing and they probably think you'll cough up.
Harsh but true.

Erm... maybe suggest instead that the groom gets a bloody job and pays for his own wedding? WTF should everyone else get into debt because they want a wedding they cannot afford?

Sorry, but I think you'll be making a rod for your own back if you cough up now. They'll just keeping asking for money for EVER....

If they can't afford the wedding, then yes they should postpone.

WomanLikeMeLM
Bit harsh don’t you think towards OP. She is married to the girls father and money is tight. They’ve already given DSD 1k towards the wedding . Problem today with kids , (adult kids) is they think they are owed something . My DHs niece had the wedding of the year, even though her mother struggled with money. Must have cost more than 20k , she had money from her mum, dad and grooms parents to pay for it. SIL used her endowment money that was to go towards paying off her mortgage to make her daughter happy , now SIL can’t afford to retire because of still having to pay off a mortgage. That was her decision but I think her daughter was rather selfish and still is in my mind.

This isn't something DSD can't get out of, she should simply postpone or change the type of wedding she's having.

All she will lose are deposits, she doesn't need any more money.

I would ask your DH to kindly stop with the blackmail; if she goes to loan sharks that is her problem. It wouldn't suprise me if she hadn't done that already to be honest .

There is a very simple solution here, no need for anyone to be giving money they can't afford or is to pay for other things .

Christ. I'm getting married next year, my fiancé is an only child and his parents have sat us down twice to offer to contribute a bit. It makes me cringe inside. I have no intention of taking money from them, we'll have the wedding we can afford. Fiancé and I are working hard to pay for it, and have been doing extra things like babysitting.

She'll never learn to stand on her own two feet if you're constantly bailing her out, and her fiancé sounds feckless. He needs to get a job and pay for his own wedding - he's got absolutely no need to work and provide if he knows her dad will step in whenever they need anything.

I'd absolutely offer to sit down and review what costs are set in stone, what could be cut, and whether she could postpone to give them extra time to pay now that he's unemployed. It may be possible that more negotiation can be done, or that it can be postponed without much drama. But I wouldn't be financially contributing, you've already given £1k, and I'd have some reservations about whether the £3k is actually for the wedding or if it's to pay off stag/hen dos/credit card debts/whatever else they're planning.

Fiancé has to step up to the mark - if he’s serious about marrying her then he’ll get a job - any job, if not then I think that should hopefully be a wake up call to her.......but I doubt it.......

Make her take the freedom program (but not lead by you ), and say you'll talk about the money afterwards.

Foslady, that’s my view, if he wants to marry dsd why isn’t he earning money? Basically getting her pregnant has been his best ever career move, they got housed by council and have income from benefits because of having a child. She just makes excuses for him. He regularly puts posts on fb about how he can’t wait for them to be married etc but if he was that keen he’d earn some bloody money and not spend what little they do have on hot tubs!
I just hope DH does not cave in because I think that would be the beginning of the end of our relationship.

@CupoTeap, can’t put someone on the freedom programme if they think their relationship is non abusive! She wouldn’t get a place and wouldn’t go even if she did.

I'd only give the money if she was a nice person which she doesn't seem to be, and if I could afford losing the £, which you don't. You saved money for your HEALTH, you really need to do the surgery, that's for sure.

Also, claiming benefits, not working and having a £60ph wedding? Sorry.

The whole thing is ridiculous.

I agree, she needs to grow up.

@Imawomanontheedge, that’s terrible! Weddings do seem to bring out the best or worst in people. Lots of stories on here about people who had brilliant weddings that they could afford and friends/relatives who helped out with transport, food etc. That’s my idea of a good wedding, people pitch in to have a fun day.
Then there are tales like you have told ... some people are incredibly selfish and some of their relatives cave in to the pressure to provide a ‘perfect’ day.

If dsd wanted to just be married we would pay the registry office fee and help in practical ways towards a small celebration afterwards.

DSD’s dm is not helping tho, her attitude is it’s her and DH responsibility to pay! Which in reality means DH paying and his ex paying him back a little at a time whilst keeping it secret from her own fiancee and other daughters! I have told DH in no way shape or form are we colluding in a mess of secrets and lies, it’s totally against our principles. If we did bail them out it would be openly and honestly but having given it thought and considered all the circumstances I don’t think we should give them anymore money. Neither does DH but that said he is more emotionally involved than I am because it’s his dd so it is stressful for him. It’s not easy watching your adult dd mess their life up.

@4dogs, sadly I think it would, I would struggle to accept that he’d put her wedding to this loser before your financial stability and your health

It’s not easy watching your adult dd mess their life up

No it's not, but bailing her out now will just enable her to keep messing up! Can he not have a 'Dad' conversation with her about being worried about her, being worried about her starting married life in debt. About how to budget properly. About the risk of marrying someone who isn't working and doesn't seem to want to...all valid concerns.

I may be cynical but really can’t understand why fancy wedding ceremony is so important to couples who have already merged their lives and had children together. Surely this should be evidence of commitment. If religion is an overriding factor one would suppose they would have had a religious ceremony much earlier in the piece.
By all means celebrate your union with family and friends according to your means but this is a mere frippery. Expensive clothes not worn again, expensive photos consigned to a shoebox or bottom of the wardrobe if the marriage does not last. One fleeting day proceeded by angst and followed by multiple hangovers.
Keep things simple, affordable and anxiety free for a memorable day

I guarantee after he’s formed out do the expensive wedding, he will be asked for fork out for an expensive divorce and set her up with somewhere to live and furnish it afterwards when it all goes wrong!

Forked out for!

Must proof read!

If you can wait a year for your surgery, OP, I would seriously consider locking your savings away in a 12 month bond. You will get a better rate of interest, and nobody else can wangle it out of you.

4dogs
When the saying goes “money is the root of all evil” it really is. Hope your DH doesn’t give in . Why on earth DSDs mother didn’t reign her in at the beginning is beyond me.
It’s like people have said they could have had a registry office wedding and just hired a hall , maybe got friends and family to help with a buffet, bought plain iced fruit cakes and used those as the wedding cake with perhaps a posey of flowers on top . Bought the fizz from Aldi ( I’m sure if they were buying a bulk load they would get it cheaper) the options are endless .
All that really matters is the two people who are getting married .

My DH and I got married aboard, 27 years ago. We didn’t have the fancy big do , we didn’t tell anyone, we just got married.
Your DH needs to stay strong to the point of asking where the 1k went and ask for the receipts, if any .

I really do feel for the both of you for being put in such an awkward position.
But your eyesight is far more important than a piss up , excuse my French, that no one can afford . Have your eye surgery. I’m sure if DSD mother had to have eye surgery or pay towards the wedding , my guessing is the eye surgery would win hands down.

Nope, don’t give the money. You’ll be setting a precedent which you can’t afford and she should have budgeted for the day she wanted. For our big day we were lucky that we paid a third and our mums each paid a third. However, we still had a limit and made it work for us. That’s just the way it goes.

Have your cataract operation. Dont put it off any longer, you've saved that money up yourself 😊

The bride and groom shouldn't have booked what they couldnt afford, either they need to change the date so they have a couple of years to save or go more low key. It isnt your issue, dont feel guilted into this.

cherrybath

I just cannot understand why you can't get the op on the NHS. I've had both eyes done in the last couple of years.

Probably for the same reason I couldn't get IVF on the NHS but my friend who lived less than a mile away but in a different borough, i.e. a different health trust, could.

OP, you don't think the DSD is labouring under the misconception that traditionally "the bride's parents" pay for the wedding do you?

God no. You'd never see that money again by the sound of it.

I winced at having to fork out £5k for our wedding 12 years ago. That was a fairly simple affair at the Registry office with 50 people for the meal (minimum of 50 for the room, we'd have had to pay that much even if only 20 came), no frills or add-ons, no attendants, no posh cake - the vast majority of the cost was the meal at the venue after. We could have done it without that, but we did both want a bit of a bash and it was fab - but I couldn't imagine either going into debt over it or spending 4x that much on it! Not even 2x that much!

She does really need to cut back wherever possible. Or postpone. Or cancel and kick the workshy cocklodger to the kerb.

When the saying goes “money is the root of all evil” it really is.

[Pointless derail for a personal bugbear: the saying is actually “the love of money is the root of all evil”. Money itself isn’t the problem: greed is.]