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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text found on husbands phone

338 replies

roseyposeypuddingandpie · 20/07/2019 01:10

Him: Can you do lunch next week?
Her: Yes I can do Monday.
Him: Just remember, you are brave and strong, life is a daily battle that you’re winning, Every day gets easier I'm telling you!!! You are beautiful kind, intelligent and hard working, nothing else matters
Oh and you have a good looking boss.
Xxx

What would you think?

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 20/07/2019 06:47

Sounds like she is having problems...

And he is using that as an excuse to try it on... what a creep, sorry OP.

His reaction (calling you a c*nt) is also disgraceful.

sodonesooverit · 20/07/2019 06:50

Sounds like the problem isn't the text, but that he is a c*nt to you full stop. Take your chance and ltb

Tableclothing · 20/07/2019 06:57

The text messages are almost irrelevant. He is verbally abusing you. The things he has said are utterly unacceptable. I'd be asking him to leave.

Loveislandaddict · 20/07/2019 07:01

The text I read as a friendly, supportive text. Maybe she is going through a tough time and he has been helping her, although the good looking boss comment is a bit weird.

However, his reaction is a bit ott.

TheSheepofWallSt · 20/07/2019 07:14

Nah OP, he’s checked out of your marriage. Even if this text is innocent, he’s been fairly clear your marriage is over for him in his response.

LTB. He sounds like an absolute creep as well as a shit husband.

TheStoic · 20/07/2019 07:22

Wow, he really hates you, doesn’t he?

You can either gather your self-respect and make moves to leave and be independent.

Or you can stay, allow him to break you down further every day, and watch him leave you for someone else on his terms.

Mummadeeze · 20/07/2019 07:24

I think the whole text was okay until he said ‘you’ve got a good looking boss’. That is flirting. I can see that being banter in some office environments I have worked in and doesn’t necessarily equal affair. But honestly, the biggest problem you have is him swearing so horribly at you and not respecting your feelings or being kind. It sounds emotionally abusive. You saying you love him and him telling you to fuck off. Really sorry for you. You deserve better.

PapayaCoconut · 20/07/2019 07:32

Well, he's clearly an emotionally abusive, gaslighting asshole regardless of anything else. But yeah, it also sounds like he's having an emotional affair.

balonzz · 20/07/2019 07:33

I agree with the others about what a nasty person he is. But do not leave the marital home - you have 3 children and you need to put them first right now. My advice is to act in a calm way to your 'DH' but actually be making plans behind his back: the usual, bank statements , passports, all important documents.

Give yourself some time to grieve over your marriage, because I am sorry but it looks like it's finished. When you are ready, get legal advice and separate from him, but on your terms. Take control of this situation. I am so sorry.

MinistryOfTragic · 20/07/2019 07:38

He's vile, you and your kids deserve better. Have my first, and very sincere, LTB!!

Emi1e · 20/07/2019 07:39

My take is that this is a regular game the op and her husband play. He is inappropriate/unfaithful, she finds out and challenges him on it, they call each other nasty words, there's tears, slamming doors... They threaten to end the relationship, but neither has any intention of doing so.

Other people (family, friends, MNers) get swept up in the drama, they feel outraged and indignant, but ultimately are left feeling impotent and frustrated because both the OP and her DH continue just as they are.

MinistryOfTragic · 20/07/2019 07:40

Yeah, mine is a "lose" the bastard LTB, under no circumstances should you leave, he needs to go.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 20/07/2019 07:40

Sounds like he’s a creep who’s using an employee’s personal problems as a way in with them.

He’s called you a cunt and pathetic? Tell him you’re done with the relationship. How dare he speak to you like that?

daisychain01 · 20/07/2019 07:42

Just remember, you are brave and strong, life is a daily battle that you’re winning, Every day gets easier I'm telling you!!! You are beautiful kind, intelligent and hard working, nothing else matters

Urgh, pass the sick bucket someone.

Has he said that to you lately OP?

daisychain01 · 20/07/2019 07:48

Why would I do this? He's my husband, I don't want a tribunal, how would that do my family any good? We have three kids together.

When has he given a flying 4X about his "family"? He just thinks about his own personal gratification, I bet he doesn't care about these women he's praying on for his own ego.

OP what do you want from this thread? It doesn't sound like you're going to take any actio or hold his feet to the fire over this, so you're willing to carry on like this for the next 20, 30 years are you?

EscapeTheOrdinary · 20/07/2019 07:49

Ask him if his read his work places sexual harassment policy. If he says yes tell him he needs to read it again and think about what his just sent and how easily his neck could be on the line.

As for the way he speaks to you read that back to yourself and ask if you want to continue living like that.

biggles50 · 20/07/2019 07:49

Oh op this is dreadful for you, please put you and your children first. Everything about the text, his response and past behaviour is totally unacceptable. Please tell someone close to you, a trusted friend or relative who will support and guide you. You don't have to live like this. The marriage is over, now you have to salvage what's left of your self respect.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/07/2019 07:51

He has nothing but contempt for you. He knows you'll stay whatever he does, so he does it.

Lawnmowingsucks · 20/07/2019 07:52

Apparently I'm pathetic, immature for being upset so he's done with our relationship. (He's said this many times before)

When someone shows you who they are, believe them - the first time. ~ Maya Angelou

Why oh why do some women take this shit over and over from their deadbeat arsehole partners? Why? It's a pattern on MN which repeats and repeats. How can you love someone who says such nasty things over and over. How?

ConfCall · 20/07/2019 07:53

He is probably known for pervy behaviour at work OP. I doubt she’ll be desperate enough to start an actual affair with this loser.

He doesn’t like you. He’s gone off you. Raise your bar. Get rid.

Lawnmowingsucks · 20/07/2019 07:54

He's my husband, I don't want a tribunal, how would that do my family any good? We have three kids together.

How does it help your children to watch and hear you allowing yourself to be treated like a piece of shit?

How does it help your children to watch you enabling such a horrible man to continue to be horrible?

You are making a grave mistake if you continue in this relationship

Emi1e · 20/07/2019 07:55

Why oh why do some women take this shit over and over from their deadbeat arsehole partners? Why? It's a pattern on MN which repeats and repeats. How can you love someone who says such nasty things over and over. How?

Because this is what they think relationships look like. They think that the drama and abuse are passionate signs of love.

MabelMoo23 · 20/07/2019 07:56

I have never ever said this on MN but you need to LTB. Or rather make him leave. But I’m guessing you won’t. Not this time at least

He’s saying to another woman that she’s beautiful and has turned round to you and called you a pathetic immature cunt and to fuck off and grow up

Can you not see how that is not ok?? Classic gaslighting.

I’d be having words and also asking has he read the sexual harassment policy at his workplace

I suspect that this isn’t the first time it’s happened or going to be the last time. The question is, how long will you put up with it?

This man has nothing but pure contempt for you. I’m so sorry, you and your children deserve better

PookieDo · 20/07/2019 07:57

I read this wondering if it was someone I knew but he only has 2 kids. He does this to women at work and I don’t know how he gets away with it but he does. Very charming. When I have asked him he said he is only with his wife because of the DC. Yuk.

I don’t think he has much respect for you OP sorry

PapayaCoconut · 20/07/2019 07:59

"My take is that this is a regular game the op and her husband play [...] They threaten to end the relationship, but neither has any intention of doing so.*

I think you've got it right, unfortunately... I know too many couples like this. There not happy unless they're unhappy.

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